Even though I always refuse to admit this but on good days, I would say that I have maybe a handful of things I like about myself or things that I enjoy/love on daily basis. On the other hand, I also have a lot of things that I don't like about myself. And to be honest, I might not be sure about what I like but I am always clear of my dislikes. I don't know, its just how and who I am as a person I guess.
But there's one characteristic of me that I'm kind of 'on the fence' about it. I mean I'm not sure whether I should be proud and thankful about it, or I should like stop myself from behaving like that. And that is; my guilt. If you know me, I always feel bad and guilty for almost everything. For example if someone asks me to do something, and I have so many things to settled but I feel bad for not helping so I said okay. In the end I'm burdened with loads of work and I get stressed. I think that's just who I am and I have this 'thing' going on since I was in school I guess? I think so.
Then I start doing dock brief through out my pupillage which we are required to mitigate for the OKT/offenders. Sometimes the Magistrate passed denda as sentence or sometimes the Magistrate gave like months of imprisonment depending on their offences, but me being me hmm there are days where I can't sleep at night because I keep thinking about those I represented/mitigated about. What if they don't have enough money to pay? Is it okay 4 months imprisonment for that? Does he feel happy for such punishment? I did a good job right? Things like that.
I'm a working adult now and I can't help from feeling bad for my parents and my sisters. I'm working in Kuala Lumpur which is like 400km away from home. It would take 7 hours to drive home. Plus now I'm working my time is so limited, I can't attend to them as much as I used to and as much as I want to. I know that they're always a phone call away and now we have video chats and stuffs like that but honestly nothing beats real presence. On last 12th April, my youngest sister turns 10 and I spent few hours crying because I couldn't be home and spent time with her and the rest of the family. I have always been there for her especially on her birthday, I never missed her birthdays before even when I was studying back then, I'll make time and go back home for her. But now I'm working, I'm not as flexible as I used to.
To be honest, its hard. Sometimes I wonder why do I choose this career? and why the heck I chose to do my 9 months pupillage in KL? Should just went back to Kelantan after my degree back then. I always wanted to become a lawyer, its been one of my dreams since I was a child. And to be honest, if I didn't become a lawyer I don't know what I'll be doing with my life. But now it feels like hmm I don't know I just feel bad. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm choosing to go for my dreams and disregard my family. Isn't it weird? The very first reason I want to do this is because I want to be successful and help my family. I want my parents and my sisters to be proud of me. Now it almost feels like this path has slowly taking away that very first reason.
I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe its just me being overthinking and all. But I'm trying to be positive, and I know that my parents and my whole family are praying for me and my journey so I don't want to complain much. I'm just blessed. I've learned so much from my experience and I've become so independent. That's an achievement.
