So, something happened.
Hmm apparently, there will be no longer 'us' when it comes to me and Firdaus after this.
If I'm being honest, even until this moment, I really really don't know how to write about this breakup thingy, it's not my forte. It's not a happy positive issue/topic that you know you can just write whatever you want to. The issue is way bigger than it looks, especially this involves other people and whether I like it or not, people have different views and opinions about things.
So I delayed writing about this for so long because hmm I don't know, should I be honest about what really happened? or should I just go as short as I can? or should I write about how I actually feel? I'm seriously not sure. But I figured out that I can't keep ignoring or delaying this anymore. One day, I still have to do it. It's not fair for me to keep avoiding this and leave things hanging, it's not fair for him because I understand that he wants to live his own life and maybe it's not fair for other people (or he just don't care idk), those who knew about our relationship and read my posts about him. That's why tonight I decided to just spill things out and put an end to everything and I decided that I'm just going to be honest about how I feel about what happened.
How? Why? What happened? Those are like the common questions I received when I opened up about this to my friends/family. You know I can be bitter and tell everyone about the bad things that he did to me, I can write like 100 freaking posts about it if I want but at the end of the day, I don't want to. I mean I don't feel like I have the need to go in detail about what happened because I don't want to remember the bad things nor do I want to allow the negativity to consume me. I realize that I don't want to give him or anyone the satisfaction of watching me suffer. At the same time, despite everything that happened to me or to him or to us in general, I don't want people to point fingers or judge anyone of us. Sometimes, people make mistakes and do bad things but that doesn't mean that they're bad people.
If I can sum it up, it's going to be like this you know through out our relationship, there were times where I told him things that I'm not okay with, I told him about things that would hurt me and hmm he did those perfectly.
How? Why? What happened? Those are like the common questions I received when I opened up about this to my friends/family. You know I can be bitter and tell everyone about the bad things that he did to me, I can write like 100 freaking posts about it if I want but at the end of the day, I don't want to. I mean I don't feel like I have the need to go in detail about what happened because I don't want to remember the bad things nor do I want to allow the negativity to consume me. I realize that I don't want to give him or anyone the satisfaction of watching me suffer. At the same time, despite everything that happened to me or to him or to us in general, I don't want people to point fingers or judge anyone of us. Sometimes, people make mistakes and do bad things but that doesn't mean that they're bad people.
If I can sum it up, it's going to be like this you know through out our relationship, there were times where I told him things that I'm not okay with, I told him about things that would hurt me and hmm he did those perfectly.
Did I see it coming?
Honestly, no. I didn't expect this to happen. I didn't expect that a guy who I was so in love with, will wake up one day and tell me that he wants to end our relationship. I know that I am not a perfect person and I was in no way a perfect girlfriend, and those imperfections had lead us to a lot of fights and misunderstandings. Honestly, I think that it's completely normal to fight over small petty things because it's part of the process.
This is what I always tell myself; you know if you have siblings and in my case, I have 4 crazy younger sisters and even though I knew each and every one of them since they were born like I saw them growing up in front of me and I've known them through out my life, I still fight with them. Now, I'm 25 years old, I still fight with Dini even though we've known each other for what? My whole freaking life? So if we fight with our siblings whom we had known our whole life, you can't expect a perfect relationship with no fights at all. Especially you didn't completely know your partner and he/she doesn't have a full idea of who you are as a person. So yeah. Every couples experience the same issues, couples fight now and then. In fact, I have friends who had it way worse than me but they're still together to this day. So I don't think fighting was the issue. What was the issue then? Honestly, I don't know. I'm not the one who ended it so I can't tell for sure.
And again, I feel like I'm here to share my version of story, how I saw things from my very own perspective. So if you ask Firdaus, he could be telling a completely different story which is normal. I understand that people have different opinions about things.
I'm not sure how he felt about me and about us in general. In fact, while writing this I'm thinking about the relationship that I had with him, the memories that we both had and things that we said, honestly I can't help myself from wondering; were all those the truth? Like things he said, when he said he loved me, or he wanted to marry me, he saw our future together, when he said that I'm the best girlfriend; did he meant all that? Or were those lines scripted? I'm not sure. But one thing, I'm really sure is towards the end of our relationship, he definitely grew out of love from me. Maybe he figured out that I'm not the same person I used to be when we first met, or I am not what he's looking for in a girl anymore?
However, for whatever reason it is, I decided to let it go and to not dwell on it. As much as I didn't expect this to happen or I didn't want to end our relationship, I have made peace with it. I believe that this is part of God's plan for me and whether I like it or not, this is it. I take it as a lesson. If you read my blog, you will realize that I always say "God's plan is always beautiful" and I believe that this situation is a complete reflection of the line. Why? Because of what happened between me and Firdaus, I feel like I've been blessed by Allah in other ways. There's so many beautiful things that happened to me recently, and for whatever reason our relationship ended, I've keep my faith on, I let things go and move on.
How I felt back then?
Oh Lord, I was a wreck hahahaha. I was heartbroken like crazy. I have been through few breakups before but this one hmmm this one gotta be the worst. Maybe because I didn't expect it to happen, some part of it is because I loved him so much that it consumed me? or maybe because we were together for quite some time so there's definitely attachments here and there. Not sure how it was on his side, but for me hmm it was one of the toughest times of my life. We're not talking about 2 or 3 months of relationship, we're talking about almost like 3 years. Yup, 3 years of memories, 3 years of planning our future, 3 years of my life, all gone and dusted! I mean I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all. Any normal person would be affected or sad.
I didn't eat, I just have no selera. I cried a lot and when I said 'a lot', I really mean it. I cried in the car when I was on my way to work/court, I cried on my way back home, I cried when I suddenly terjaga from sleep at 4am in the morning, I cried while doing my work, I cried in my dreams. Hmmm I'm not going to lie but it was painful. Really painful. I wouldn't wish such pain even to my worst enemies because I feel like no one deserved to be that sad. It wasn't just painful, it was damaging as well.
I'm not going to say that I've completely get over the sadness, but I know that I have healed a lot. I had move on for sure and I know that I'm at a better state now, thanks to the supports and love I'd received from people around me. The thing is even though now I'm like better, I still feel like crying while writing this hahaha weird isn't it?
Not because I feel sad about the breakup or what happened between me and him, but I feel sad because I remember how painful it was for me back then. The thing is, I always thought that I'm the 'tough' one as in whatever things that happened in my life, be it good or bad, I can take it. I always tell myself that "if I put my mind into it, there's nothing I can't do" and someway somehow this tough cookie was still a wreck when her heart is broken hahahaha crazy.
Looking back, there were days where I had to stay in my car at the car park and cried for a good 1 hour before I can start driving home. I had days where I have to text and call my friends (few friends who knew about what happened) at random hours and ask them to scold or knock the sense out of me because I didn't feel like doing anything, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to shower, I didn't want to eat. Basically I didn't want to do anything as in ANYTHING.
Not because I feel sad about the breakup or what happened between me and him, but I feel sad because I remember how painful it was for me back then. The thing is, I always thought that I'm the 'tough' one as in whatever things that happened in my life, be it good or bad, I can take it. I always tell myself that "if I put my mind into it, there's nothing I can't do" and someway somehow this tough cookie was still a wreck when her heart is broken hahahaha crazy.
Looking back, there were days where I had to stay in my car at the car park and cried for a good 1 hour before I can start driving home. I had days where I have to text and call my friends (few friends who knew about what happened) at random hours and ask them to scold or knock the sense out of me because I didn't feel like doing anything, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to shower, I didn't want to eat. Basically I didn't want to do anything as in ANYTHING.
But I think the hardest part was to pretend that it wasn't eating me alive. It was really hard to pretend that you're okay, pretend that you're not hurt by what was going on with yourself when you can barely drag yourself out of bed. I think it was quite tough when it comes to work because I love my job, and even though my heart was scattered into millions of pieces, I don't want people to tell and I don't want my professionalism is questioned. That's the only pride I had left (what I used to think). So whatever it is, I have to fake it up! Fake it till you make it.
I remember when I get myself ready in the morning, I would turn my music on while doing my makeup and honestly that feels like therapy but after what happened, I can barely keep the radio on in my car. I just can't! At the early days, I felt like every songs reminded me of him which is very annoying. In the morning while doing my make up, I would look at myself and think "god where and how do I begin to put myself back together again?" while putting as much foundations and concealers to cover my eye bags and swollen eyes.
I remember when I get myself ready in the morning, I would turn my music on while doing my makeup and honestly that feels like therapy but after what happened, I can barely keep the radio on in my car. I just can't! At the early days, I felt like every songs reminded me of him which is very annoying. In the morning while doing my make up, I would look at myself and think "god where and how do I begin to put myself back together again?" while putting as much foundations and concealers to cover my eye bags and swollen eyes.
But then again, just because you're broken doesn't mean that you have to stay that way!
In my case I know that I'm the kind of person who would give as much chances I can, it's very hard for me to give up on someone. But then because of the same reason, I suffered more than I should have. Even up until today, I feel like if only I leave when I started to see all those red flags or hints whatever you want to call it, I might not be that affected you know. But then hmm it's hard to give up on your love, plus I was scared and stupid, I have no one to blame except my own self for that part hahaha but it's okay, I'd learned and I got my lessons so yeah. Then I know myself and the only way for me to get over it was to allow myself to feel all the emotions and sadness and all the crying, so I let myself go through that phase and after like two three weeks, I macam okay again. So if you're like me hmm maybe you have to let yourself feel the sadness so cry all you want but then at the same time, brace yourself. Be ready and take steps, baby steps if you need but you need to allow yourself to heal.
I used to tell myself that "Okay Liyana, you're sad? Fine, but your future needs you. You need to be strong. The wounds in your heart might not be your fault but your healing is 100% your responsibility" .
Breathe and then begin again.
In my case I know that I'm the kind of person who would give as much chances I can, it's very hard for me to give up on someone. But then because of the same reason, I suffered more than I should have. Even up until today, I feel like if only I leave when I started to see all those red flags or hints whatever you want to call it, I might not be that affected you know. But then hmm it's hard to give up on your love, plus I was scared and stupid, I have no one to blame except my own self for that part hahaha but it's okay, I'd learned and I got my lessons so yeah. Then I know myself and the only way for me to get over it was to allow myself to feel all the emotions and sadness and all the crying, so I let myself go through that phase and after like two three weeks, I macam okay again. So if you're like me hmm maybe you have to let yourself feel the sadness so cry all you want but then at the same time, brace yourself. Be ready and take steps, baby steps if you need but you need to allow yourself to heal.
I used to tell myself that "Okay Liyana, you're sad? Fine, but your future needs you. You need to be strong. The wounds in your heart might not be your fault but your healing is 100% your responsibility" .
Breathe and then begin again.
How I feel now?
I feel so much better.
I used to be sad when he wasn't in my life anymore. But now, if I have to be honest, I feel so much happier and free and like the old me is back. I don't feel sick anymore, I'm no longer sad and I don't know whether this is the right word to describe it but I feel "normal" again? I know it doesn't make sense right but there were times when he made me feel like I'm not good enough or I'm too much as in I'm too fat, too dramatic, too clingy or too emotional and he can't handle it so I toned myself down for him. I didn't blamed him or myself because ntah la, those are all history now. That's what I meant by when I said I feel normal again, like I'm back to being me, a fat dramatic clingy emotional Liyana.
Also, when Firdaus did things that he shouldn't be doing, it really really messed up my mood. It made me so depressed and unhappy and moody, which sometimes I lashed out at everyone. There were times and days where I let him or what he did to affect my days and I feel really really bad about it. I'm sorry for those who got lashed on by me haha honestly I didn't mean to hurt anybody hmmm.
They say "time will heal everything" but in my situation I realize that time doesn't heal me. But one thing for sure is, time make me grow and understand things. Not everything or all at once but slowly yes. When it comes to Firdaus, I'm still not sure why he did what he did or what actually happened, I don't know what you guys think about it but I don't believe that people can easily flip and change their hearts overnight. There must be something that happened, things they hide from you, truth they refused to tell you but it's okay. I used to question myself because I wanted the closure like I really really want to know what happened, why he did that and all but then honestly, I realize that I don't need the so called closure because at the end of the day, even though I know all the answers, I can't change someone's mind, I can't change what happened or anything. So I stopped fighting for the closure and be happy with not knowing.
Overall, I wish him happiness.Yes he has hurt me and he broke my heart but I personally think that generally he's a nice guy. He might not be the one for me but what we had together for almost 3 years, weren't all bad things. Of course, there were happy memories, there were days where we were happy and content with each other. He is a good guy, I think he really is. I mean if he is a total trash, I don't think I can be with him for so long. I know my friends used to tell me to leave him and I deserved better and all, I wished I did leave him earlier. But then again, there were days where he supported me emotionally, physically, financially, he was there with me and I am really thankful for all that. Let's be real, I'm not a perfect person and I made mistakes as well and sometimes things happened and they change people. Sometimes good people turned ugly and there's nothing much you can do except to just let them be free and figure themselves out. If I am to borrow Benjamin's wise words; "sometimes you're there in someone's life as a lesson, to teach them things" and I would like to believe that my duties in his life is complete. I don't know what's going on with him after we broke up but I would like to believe that he's like me, somewhere at a better place.
I used to be sad when he wasn't in my life anymore. But now, if I have to be honest, I feel so much happier and free and like the old me is back. I don't feel sick anymore, I'm no longer sad and I don't know whether this is the right word to describe it but I feel "normal" again? I know it doesn't make sense right but there were times when he made me feel like I'm not good enough or I'm too much as in I'm too fat, too dramatic, too clingy or too emotional and he can't handle it so I toned myself down for him. I didn't blamed him or myself because ntah la, those are all history now. That's what I meant by when I said I feel normal again, like I'm back to being me, a fat dramatic clingy emotional Liyana.
Also, when Firdaus did things that he shouldn't be doing, it really really messed up my mood. It made me so depressed and unhappy and moody, which sometimes I lashed out at everyone. There were times and days where I let him or what he did to affect my days and I feel really really bad about it. I'm sorry for those who got lashed on by me haha honestly I didn't mean to hurt anybody hmmm.
They say "time will heal everything" but in my situation I realize that time doesn't heal me. But one thing for sure is, time make me grow and understand things. Not everything or all at once but slowly yes. When it comes to Firdaus, I'm still not sure why he did what he did or what actually happened, I don't know what you guys think about it but I don't believe that people can easily flip and change their hearts overnight. There must be something that happened, things they hide from you, truth they refused to tell you but it's okay. I used to question myself because I wanted the closure like I really really want to know what happened, why he did that and all but then honestly, I realize that I don't need the so called closure because at the end of the day, even though I know all the answers, I can't change someone's mind, I can't change what happened or anything. So I stopped fighting for the closure and be happy with not knowing.
Overall, I wish him happiness.Yes he has hurt me and he broke my heart but I personally think that generally he's a nice guy. He might not be the one for me but what we had together for almost 3 years, weren't all bad things. Of course, there were happy memories, there were days where we were happy and content with each other. He is a good guy, I think he really is. I mean if he is a total trash, I don't think I can be with him for so long. I know my friends used to tell me to leave him and I deserved better and all, I wished I did leave him earlier. But then again, there were days where he supported me emotionally, physically, financially, he was there with me and I am really thankful for all that. Let's be real, I'm not a perfect person and I made mistakes as well and sometimes things happened and they change people. Sometimes good people turned ugly and there's nothing much you can do except to just let them be free and figure themselves out. If I am to borrow Benjamin's wise words; "sometimes you're there in someone's life as a lesson, to teach them things" and I would like to believe that my duties in his life is complete. I don't know what's going on with him after we broke up but I would like to believe that he's like me, somewhere at a better place.
When I was at my rock bottom, I thought I would never heal (which is very stupid of me to ever think like that). While writing this entry, I felt so much emotions and mixed feelings, some of them are feelings that I never knew I had before. At the same time, a lot of memories cross my mind, the memories I had with him, the things that both of us go through together and all. Some of them were sweet while some were not. However, regardless of what it is, I'm glad that they happened. Even though we're no longer together, I will still cherish the good memories that we had.
Honestly, I'm very proud of myself because I think I've done a great job, super great job in fact. I went through one of the hardest and worst situations in my life yet I push myself through it. You've done a good job Liyana, you really do. You went through every pain of it and you manage to pull yourself through using nothing but hope and love for yourself. That's already an achievement on it's own. I think the reason I managed to move on and not dwell on it is because I believe that I deserved to be happy. With or without a guy.
To anyone who's going through anything like this or going through whatever hard times in general, be strong and have faith. Don't let your fear controls you, any fear such as the fear of being alone or your fear of losing someone you really love or your fear of people judging you or any fear in general. Have faith in yourself. You're going to be okay. You're going to move on. You're going to be happy again.
Fear is the opposite of faith. Have faith.
