Love Update

Hi peeps!

Okay if I am being honest, I am a bit scared to write about Hilmi anymore hahaha. The last and ONLY time I wrote something about him, I drove people crazy hahaha okay not everyone basically but it became quite a stir between my friends and families (whom for no clear reasons decided to read my personal blog and were shocked of the post). Just a little disclaimer here, let me remind you all that if you come here to read something, please do so at your own risk okay? I shall not be blamed if you guys are ever  'drown' in my sweetness (and coolness) or any trauma that might inflict you physically or mentally hahaha. 

Hilmi and I are in love, crazily in love in fact. So it kills me not to write things here or share some of our funny videos or conversations on social media but I guess it is what it is. I decided to keep our relationship as private as I can. I mean I still posted some Instagram stories of us sometimes, but I do not share every bits of it. I mean of course if you asked me there's so many things to write about, so many experiences that we went together, so many first-time (s) and as a girl and a self-proclaimed writer of her own life *rolls eyes*, I do want to share a lot of things. However, I decided that this time I do not want to overshare things anymore (is that even possible for me though?) but I still want to share some sweet memories of us together, cute things we do together hmm. Isn't it confusing? One moment, you're all against sharing your life online like what if people get annoyed and feel like "ntah pape lebih-lebih jer" but another second, you're like you know what it's my blog, I build it from scratch, this is a free country and no one can dictate what I'm going to do with my life. My blog is here for a purpose; for me to share my bitter sweet memories. So I should not stop myself from writing whatever I want; inclusive of my love life. Right?

I guess I'll take the later option; I will write whatever I want and I will share whatever I want because that makes me happy and just like anyone in this world, me Nur Liyana Izzati binti Abd Aziz deserves to be happy, as happy as birds, especially after everything that I'd went through in my life.

That day, Hilmi went back to Kelantan to meet my parents and our way back to KL, we had coffee with one of his students. His student told us that apparently my blog is famous among his friends like the whole batch has read my blog and know about us Then I'm like whattt??? whyyyyy??? but I cool jer hahaha. I mean haihh as expected, kids love me? *smirks*. Anyway to his student(s) who's currently reading my humble humble blog, hi! I hope you enjoy your read and don't worry okay your lecturer is in good hands insyaAllah.

Last week, my lovely colleagues KJ and Benjamin read through my blog and they purposely read my post about Hilmi and they read it out loud okay, like the whole office can hear it hahahaha. The funnyn part is when they were reading it out and giggling in front of the door I was like "what is it? what's so funny" I mean I can't even recognized my own writing hahaha. I was like hmmm that sounds familiar but where did I read that ah? After some time I realized and I was like shittt did you guys read my twitter? Nope, it's even worse. It's your blog, girl. Hahahahaha.

So now tell me; should I write more about Hilmi and me? or should I stop?

Please vomit okay? Vomit of jealousy :p

Work Anniversary!

A lot of things have changed since the last time I wrote here.

First of all, your girl is a second year practicing lawyer now wuhuu! 

I know that it might not be a very important or interesting matter to you guys (or anyone else) but it is significant to me. I take my work very seriously and I put so much passion and efforts to it so to see how far I have come in this field and looking back to all my so called work achievements, that really means a lot. So Idk I guess just bare with me because every 17th August (literally every year), I will be counting my anniversary okay, I'm not even kidding hahaha. 

Looking back, I honestly learn a lot on how to be a good lawyer and most of the time, I'm quite glad that I am in this profession because it does help me to look at life in different ways and I have to admit that my legal knowledge do help me in dealing with my everyday life (or problems). I'm not saying that oh everyone should go study law, be a lawyer oh my god it's the best profession in this world, nay nay! If I ever said that being a lawyer is the best profession in this world pffff I must be kidding myself. A lot of times throughout my life, I regretted my decision and I doubted about it. Am I good enough for this? Do I have what it takes to be a good lawyer? Is this for me? Why is my submission never perfect? 

Well, you know me and my self doubts moments are inseparable but honestly, someway somehow along the way I learnt that it's okay and it's completely normal to feel like that and to have doubts in what you're doing. Regardless of the profession or line of work you're in or even if you're still in school or university, it's okay. Just take your time, enjoy yourself, work hard and improve yourself at your own pace.

My work at Gibb & Co has always been a blessing, I know that I say this all the time but that's the truth. I love my work and honestly, some parts of it are because of the firm I'm in and the people I work with. Work or cases are challenging in their own way. When I was in my first year, I thought that oh it's okay Liyana, once you're more experienced then things will be easier for you. Turns out...it's not! Every case is different, as in different facts, different application of the law and they require different arguments hence you need to always improve your knowledge. When I was in my first year, things were difficult because of my lack of experiences. At the very beginning, I wasn't sure what to do and all so my partners have to guide me a lot until I can stand and manage things on my own. Now, I'm in my second year and honestly, some things or cases are still difficult because I am now being exposed to a more challenging cases. I notice that this year, I actually did a lot of new type of cases/applications, those I was never exposed to before. Was it difficult? Of course. But it is undeniably fun and challenging so I think I'm pretty good. 

Sometimes when I'm stressed and I had to stay in office till night, I do question my choice to be in this profession. But then at the same time, it's crazy that I don't see myself doing something else than being a practicing lawyer. At least for now. Honestly, if I can turn back time hmm I will still choose to be a lawyer, it's just that I hope I was a bit smarter and a bit more brave but well it's okay, I'm improving and that's the most important for me right now.

Congratulations to myself! You push through everything, every obstacles, every hateful remarks and see, you did it! I know that this is just a beginning and you will achieve more greater things in future. I'm super proud, can't wait to celebrate your 20th anniversary as a lawyer. To more happy glory days!

Thanks!

Dear

"One of the most important lessons you can learn is that a healthy love does not hurt, it heals"  - L.E. Bowman

Let's be honest, after everything that happened between me and my ex last year, I kinda give up on the idea of love or soulmates. At one point of time, I was really negative about it. I doubted that somebody will ever love me or find me attractive and I even thought that I'm just not meant to be with someone, ever. Even after that I did try to get to know some other guys but things didn't work out for me and yeah I come to the conclusion that maybe there is real love or soulmates out there, but maybe not for me. I told myself that you know what Liyana, it's okay perhaps you're just among the few who're not destined to be with a guy but you're destined to do other great things in life haha just me trying to make myself feel better I guess.

But honestly deep inside my heart, I do crave for that 'love' and sometimes I wonder what does it feel like to be with someone who loves you and someone who cares for you, I want to experience that joy and happiness. I think as an adult, it's definitely and completely normal to feel that way, it's part of fitrah there's nothing to be embarrass about it  so I always pray and make doa to Allah for that. 

Okay here comes the crucial part, so recently I met someone hahahaha. 

Well hmmm how should I start? First let me say this, I'm honestly a bit reluctant to write about this actually because I'm scared that people will judge me, him or us. But then again, I feel like I should not restrict or restrain myself from doing something just because of people's judgement. If you want to do something, then do it. Life is short and I shouldn't waste my time listening to others or contemplating something just because of unnecessary fear. At the end of the day, it all goes back to the fact that I love writing and I love this guy so I feel like I deserve to write whatever I want. Plus, there's nothing wrong if I decided  to share or document my own little pieces of happiness in my blog.  At the end of the day, regardless of what happened or going to happen in my life, I want to be able to look back to all my writings and be proud of every bits of it!


Hilmi is hmm how would I describe him, well Hilmi is someone who is very dear to me. He's an amazing friend and a really really great guy. I'm very thankful for his existence in my life. I really do. He brings so much joy and happiness to my very mundane life. When I used to date some other guys before this, I always asked my friends like eh how do you know whether that person is the right one for you? My friends used to say "Well if the guy is the one for you, then you will just know" and I'll be like wow what a helpful answer *roll eyes* At that time, I felt like almost everyone around me already has their love relationships figured out, except me. I was the only one struggling to understand the riddle and the mystery behind this confusing thing called love. It always amazed me how people can tell or so confident that their partners are the ones for them and decided to take the leap of faith which leads to beautiful solemnization. 



I used to envy that a lot, don't get me wrong I have associate myself with guys before this and I did try to make it work as in I want things to end up in marriage, just like how other people want. But there's always something that messed everything up for example he realized he didn't love me or I didn't love him and thousands other excuses. Yeah honestly looking back, there wasn't a single guy that I met who I can confidently tell that oh you know what this guy is the one for me, which is also the very reason why I didn't write about any of them here at the first place.


At one point of time, I find the idea of "if the guy is the one for you then you will just know" is so unrealistic and questionable. I was confused because when ever I meet someone, there's always something that I don't like about that guy, his attitude, his family, the way he carries himself and etc. I mean don't get me wrong, what I'm trying to say is you know sometimes you meet someone and you have thoughts like "err I don't think we can masuk" or "I'm not sure my family will like that" or like a small voice in my head saying "this is not going to work" and  still often times, me being me I ignored all that and push myself to make things work. I'm not sure whether you get my point or not, I can't really explain it any better actually but I hope you guys reading this understand my point. Maybe some of you might feel like I'm a bit judgmental which undoubtedly have some truth to it. However again, like I said I did try to push for it and make it work, like I really really did and I know my friends and family can vouch for me. The reason why I have those ideas as in it's not going to work and all is because I'm a 26 year old adult, and I kind of know what I want in a guy, what I don't want in a guy, my likes and dislikes, the kind of guy I want to marry, the kind of family I want to have, just basically things along those lines.


So yeah the "if the guy is the one for you then you will just know" all that seems like a far stretched dream to me. Until I met Hilmi Johan. 


I'm not sure how to describe or put things into perspective but finally, that idea makes a perfect sense! 

When I first come across him, I have no intention to fell in love with this guy. It wasn't love at a first sight or anything like that. We started as friends and if you asked me, I seriously didn't expect us to be where we are right now. Although I have to admit that I find him attractive right on our first chat or the first few sentences he sent to me. I was like okay this guy is not so bad hahaha. But honestly even Hilmi said that he can't believe that we're together now because at one time, we were just friends. On my part, what attracted me to this guy is probably the fact that I can talk to him about everything under the sun. We can talk about social issues, politics, refugees, corona virus basically everything and it wasn't boring at all. I really really love that we can have engaging conversations and be respectful towards one another even though, we don't really share the same view on certain topics. Plus, well it is no secret that this girl here is quite talkative and opinionated so I always enjoy being around people who share the same attributes as me or at least, someone who won't find me talking and sharing stuffs as annoying. 

16.5.2020

So like that lah. After some time of being friends and keeping our feelings to ourselves, one day I asked him whether he likes me or not. Then the rest are history hahaha. Actually I didn't tell him straight away like  "Hey I like you. Do you like me?" no I didn't do that. I told him "You know I like you right?" then he read it wrongly and he said "I like you too bla bla bla..." then I was like "Hmmm but I didn't say I like you, I just asked you whether you know or not I like you" hahaha jahat kan. He told me laa he likes me and all then I asked him if you like me why you never say anything or asked me whether I share the same feeling or not. I was a bit annoyed laa actually at that time because I feel like I gave him lots of hints already that I liked him but this guy is soooooo clueless that he didn't even ask me. But he said, he kinda noticed that but he didn't feel right to ask me he said he segan because he said he sedar he's just a normal guy and I'm kinda out of his league. When I heard that I felt quite sad lah, but I told him I never consider him as someone lower than me or what and the feelings that I had was genuine. He's a nice guy, very kind to me and always treat me nicely so what else do I want? 


I have to admit that he might not be the most perfect guy in this whole wide world, the kind  of guy that everyone is so envious with in the movies. He's not but on my part, I'm perfectly okay with it. Plus, I'm far from being one too, so how can I asked for someone like that? There's no perfect guy or perfect human in this world, everyone is created by Allah with flaws. You just need to find someone who can accept your flaws and we're okay with them being themselves, with flaws and mistakes. On my part even though he's not a perfect guy, there's just so many things that I like and love about Hilmi. Everyday I thank Allah for this blessing that He granted me with. I'm very very grateful. Allah granted all my prayers and really pertemukan I with a guy that I really really need Alhamdulillah. He made me so happy, he made me feel better about myself, he made me love myself and everyone around me more, he made me laugh, he encourages, he supports and most importantly, he loves. Despite not being perfect, he's everything that I want in a guy and in a lover. What a blessing.


Since I met Hilmi, my life has changed 360 degrees. It's funny what love can do for you.  It's fascinating. Before I met him, I was content with myself, I mean I enjoy my life, my work and all, but deep inside I know that there's something lacking inside but I always brush it off. I used to encourage myself by saying "it's okay you're great on your own" which is of course  the truth but I knew that deep inside I yearn for other things. But one thing that I find commendable ( at least for me) was even after everything that I went through, I didn't give up and I keep my faith checked. Of course, there were days where I doubted that Allah has a plan for me to end up with someone but I remember my sister's advice "everything happens at the right time. You just have to wait for it and have faith". Therefore, I always pray to Allah for the best and I remember telling myself "Allah is the most merciful and most loving, if we keep asking to Him it's impossible He won't grant it".



I hope everyone reading this entry will make dua for me and Hilmi. Please pray that all our plans dipermudahkan and all. We plan to get married insyaAllah next year, he's all ready recently bought a house, a stable career, already cukup money in his tabung kawen Alhamdulillah. It's just that me lah I need to work hard a little bit and cut on all my shopping hehehe. Actually I'm a bit embarrassed with the fact that I have to take some time to kumpul duit and all but I guess there's no wrong with that, at least I make the efforts and is not relying on him or my parents per se. On the other hand, I find that Allah already plan everything perfectly, in the midst of me saving up for marriage, we have more time to know each other and to discuss and plan our future together!


I have to end this post here and I don't know how to properly end this one actually hehe. But I guess I will end this by giving this piece of advice that I think important for us to keep in mind. To anyone or everyone who's reading this entry and are still looking for the right guy,  the right girl, the love of your life, your boo, just anything you call it please please pleaseee remember you're worthy of a great amazing inspiring love and you deserve someone who loves you with every beat of his heart. Nothing less. May Allah ease things for all of us Amin. 

Everything insides me feel safe now. 

26 year old me.

I turn 26 years old on 26 April 2020. 

Happy birthday to myself! I know that I am writing this entry way before the actual date of my birthday but I just feel like this is the right time to do so. At the same time, I'm worried that if I didn't spare my time to write something for myself now, I'll end up not writing anything just like some previous years. I like this little tradition of mine because you have no idea how sentimental and encouraging that feel when you're reading it later. I didn't write anything for myself on (or around) my birthday last year and till this moment I still regret that. I mean, how hard can it be anyway? But it's okay lah, what to do. 

Sometimes we get too busy to catch up with what life throws at us and we tend to forget and  appreciate all the little moments and milestones that we had reached in our lives. Hence, this entry.

Girl you're 26 years old now! How crazy is that? I know this is so lame but honestly where'd all the time go? Time definitely flies. One time you were 17 and next time you realize it, you're 26 years old already. That's crazy and scary at the same time but hey they say another year older is another year wiser right? Hahaha.

Looking back, it is beyond explanation how far I have come in life. Over the years, I have come to a realization that I am actually one of the luckiest person in the world. Of course there were bad days or bad things happened along the way or you come across bad people somewhere in your life, but all those experiences had taught me so many things. I believe that everything that happened to me throughout the last 26 years had served me well to prepare myself to be  who I am today. 

Sometimes as humans, we didn't realize how lucky we are compared to so many unfortunate people out there in the world. I am definitely guilty of that. I am writing this not to hate my old self for being selfish and less emphatic to other people's struggles instead I'm writing this to keep myself in check and hopefully, I'll improve myself as the time goes by. 

I used to question a lot of things especially bad things that ever happened to me and most of the time, it didn't just stop there and then. Me questioning things had lead myself to a lot of self-blaming and I had my clear portion of pointing fingers to other people including my parents, my family, my friends, strangers on the road basically everyone. 

Honestly at one point of my life, I even questioned God for all the bad things that happened to me. Stupid right? At the back of my mind, I know that everything that happened (be it good or bad) are part of the God's plans for me and sometimes He just want to test you but yet I question stuffs. When I was younger, I used to wonder why is it that Allah didn't grant me my prayers? I asked for a happy life, happy perfect family, I asked Him to get me a lot of money so that I can be rich but He didn't grant that. I asked for a perfect love, a good guy yet He gave me trash guys, bad guys. I wondered does Allah even loves me? If He does, why does He kept testing me with all these? Am I that bad that He's showing no mercy on me? Why does it seems like other people had it easy, everyone except me? 

My young self forgot that everything that happened to me all along was part of the plan to make me a better person. Imagine if He simply grant me everything that I want, I don't think I will be who I am today. Over the years, I become a lot wiser and started to see the lessons behind everything that happened and I couldn't be more grateful for it. Imagine if God simply granted what I want then I won't study my ass off, I won't work hard, I won't push myself, I will take my family for granted, I will be an ungrateful person, I won't care for other people and most importantly, I won't be who I am today. 

Therefore as I turn 26 years old now, I have nothing much to ask from Allah other than to thank Him for everything that He has blessed me with over the years. Not just for His gift of life but also for all the blessings he had ever bless me with. Only by His grace and love, I get to celebrate my birthday with roof over my head, food on the table, a car to move around, money in my bank and a bed to sleep on. Good has been more than good to me. He gave me peace in times of troubles, soothed my pain, put a smile on my face during my bad days, when I can't sleep because of my thoughts and anxiety, he put me to sleep, grant me such lovely people around me. I feel like I couldn't ask for more. 


As I turns older today, I can't help to write about my journey of finding love and the idea of self love. Over the years, I struggled with these two the most. I couldn't find the balance of my love for other people and also my love for own self. 

When I was 20 years old, I wrote this in my old blog (pardon my grammar mistakes):

I wish before you reach your 30's, you are already settle down with a family, an understanding husband and maybe few children. This is not a priority but I always believe a woman should be married before 30 years old even though I always with the principle of no marriage until 27. I want you to have a stable job, a good career, a few assets, be matured then you should start thinking about establishing your own family. This will take time I know but it's okay you have all the time in the world, enjoy your youth and be good. I want you to find a guy and be with him because you are really in love with his personality not because you are afraid of being single. There's nothing wrong of being alone, it's better than being with the wrong person. I hope you find a right guy that is worth waiting. A guy that will love you forever no matter how old or how ugly you'll become. Do not hurry on important things especially marriage. Take your time to get to know people better, make decisions based on that. I want you to find a guy that can understand you through your thick and thin. A guy who will accept all your flaws and will love you no matter what happens.

As much as I love the young me for being so cute and innocent, I have to disappoint her because I feel like the journey of finding the love of my life could take longer than expected hahaha. At this point of my life, I'm not sure whether I can keep my promise to be married by 30. I mean maybe I can but I don't want to just marry some random guy and ended up regretting my decision later. I take marriage and love very seriously and I'm not okay to simply marry someone just because I am 'at the age to do so'. 

My last relationship was something that I'm not proud of because even though we were together for a few years and we had dreams to have our future together, I realized that along the way, I had lost myself and the values I used to believe in. It's funny that at that time, I ignored a lot of things even the values and attributes I swear by and called it 'love'.  I have to admit I was stupid back then and sometimes you didn't realize how bad it is when you're in it but once you get out from that circle, you feel like slapping yourself with a chair haha. Looking back, I wish that I would have more self respect and not be too stupid to blindly agree on one's  beliefs and ideologies or thinking especially if you have different views on it. It's  definitely normal and okay not to be on the same page on everything. 

Look at how young (and ugly) I was back then. I remember my friends and I went ice skating and it was my birthday so they prepared a suprise for me and made the whole people in the ice rink sang happy birthday to me. The ice cream was given by one of the sellers there as a gift hahaha. 

After my break up last year, I literally thought that I'm going to end up alone forever hahaha. I don't know what got into me but my ex used to say a lot of stupid stuffs and believe it or not, I took some of those as the truth. He used to say that if I'm not with him, no one will want me. I can't believe I tolerated such a dumb statement and now I realized that yeah I mean who are you to tell me that no one will ever find me attractive and one day be in love with me? You are not God or anything. But yes at the early stage of my breakup, I literally told my friends that I will end up alone, I don't think I will ever be with someone and I was ready to live my lonely single life. At that time I told my friends that it's okay I will just sign up to be the sporting cool auntie to their children.  It took a lot of scoldings and lectures from my friends and my sister to knock my senses out of me. 

Since that incident, I did try to know some people but someway somehow things didn't work out. They're just not for me. Or maybe because now I know my self worth and what I have to offer, I refused to simply settle down with those who don't carry the same value as me.  At one time, I kinda lose my faith and I didn't want to get attached to anyone anymore because at the end, I feel like it only destroy me and I am better off alone. But along the way, I realized that in finding the right person, you'll stumble into a lot of things which includes snakes, crocodiles and cats hahaha. Cats for not having the courage they need in life (basically guys who are being pussy), crocodiles because some of them have serious loyalty issues and gosh I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes but turns out that I've been doing that for years! Hahaha joking.


Now I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and sometimes you meet wrong people, or you meet bad people or you meet nice people but they're not right for you. You can love someone and he might not love you back or someone might love you so much but you don't share the same love. Whatever it is, I have come to a realization that falling in love is just part and parcel of life and a soft landing is never guaranteed for us. However, despite everything I still believe in love and deep inside my heart I know and believe that God has written someone for me and one day when the time is right, we will find each other and we will live hmmm maybe not a perfect life but a happy one.

While writing this post, I was somehow reminded of my family, friends and some other people who among many, have showered me with endless loves, advises, supports and affections. I don't know how to express how grateful I am for being bless with so many amazing people in my life. I might not be that lucky when it comes to romantic relationship but in other aspects, I'm definitely one of the luckiest.


I didn't get the chance to celebrate my birthday at home for years now due to other commitments but I know that regardless of where I am, I always have my family's loves with me. When I was in university, not being able to celebrate birthdays at home didn't bother me that much but now, I wish I can go home and spend my birthday with my loved ones. Some people take family for granted. I used to be like that too especially those days where I was living the carefree live with my friends but as I get older I realize that people were right; the most important thing in life is family. Of course there are days where you love them and others you don't,  but they're the people you always come home to. My mum and my sisters are the very reason I started running for my dreams and I believe that if you always work hard one day you'll achieve them.


Like I said earlier, the most important thing in life is family. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the ones you make yourself.

I believe that this entry is very very long already. That's the weird thing about me and writing. I always tell myself that oh I don't know what to write but most of the time, when I started writing it becomes very very long hahaha. I guess I should stop now.


Dear self, you have done so well and you will continue to do better I know. You deserve all the good things in life. Don't give up and just be the amazing Liyana you've always been okay? Happy birthday to the great person you're becoming and cheers to a life full of happiness that never ends!

Restriction of Movement - Day 1

Hello everyone!

I guess at this point of time, everyone is very much familiar with what is going on with our country. As of yesterday, there are more than 500 cases of covid-19 in our country and the numbers are increasing day by day. So, on 16th March, the government just announced and imposed the restriction of movement (not total lock down) for all Malaysians starting today until 31st March 2020 (except for those who're working under specific sectors). So my firm took the initiative to close down the firm as per directed. I mean even though we are panels for banks, I don't see the point of working or opening or operating because courts are closed, land offices and most of the government and private offices are pretty much closed too. 

So when I first heard of it, I told myself "well it shouldn't be that hard for me because I'm a homie. I like staying home so meh I can do this" but I just realize this is so boring! I mean maybe because I'm alone at home, I kind of feel bored a bit. I just feel thankful because hey at least we have tv, handphones, internet and netflix so it shouldn't be that bad. Even though I actually have no idea how to turn on the phone. And uh since we have to restrict movements and all right, I bought some stuffs to cook. Not thattt much because honestly I don't know what to buy hahaha. Okay maybe because people basically went nut and emptied out most of the shelves at the hypermarkets, but also hmmm let's not forget the fact that this girl here is not a proud cook? Hahaha. I basically survived everyday with ordering or just tapau-ing, but now I have to cook hmm it feels like a challenge lol. At the same time, I feel like this is kind of good for me because hey at least I get to learn how to cook, and I can read some books that I've been wanting to since I can't remember when and yeah I can netflix and chill too!

I think that's all for today. I don't know what to write because I don't feel that 'inspirational' today I guess, but insyAllah I will try to update as much as I can especially these 14 days off.

Thank you. Stay safe everyone!