26 year old me.

I turn 26 years old on 26 April 2020. 

Happy birthday to myself! I know that I am writing this entry way before the actual date of my birthday but I just feel like this is the right time to do so. At the same time, I'm worried that if I didn't spare my time to write something for myself now, I'll end up not writing anything just like some previous years. I like this little tradition of mine because you have no idea how sentimental and encouraging that feel when you're reading it later. I didn't write anything for myself on (or around) my birthday last year and till this moment I still regret that. I mean, how hard can it be anyway? But it's okay lah, what to do. 

Sometimes we get too busy to catch up with what life throws at us and we tend to forget and  appreciate all the little moments and milestones that we had reached in our lives. Hence, this entry.

Girl you're 26 years old now! How crazy is that? I know this is so lame but honestly where'd all the time go? Time definitely flies. One time you were 17 and next time you realize it, you're 26 years old already. That's crazy and scary at the same time but hey they say another year older is another year wiser right? Hahaha.

Looking back, it is beyond explanation how far I have come in life. Over the years, I have come to a realization that I am actually one of the luckiest person in the world. Of course there were bad days or bad things happened along the way or you come across bad people somewhere in your life, but all those experiences had taught me so many things. I believe that everything that happened to me throughout the last 26 years had served me well to prepare myself to be  who I am today. 

Sometimes as humans, we didn't realize how lucky we are compared to so many unfortunate people out there in the world. I am definitely guilty of that. I am writing this not to hate my old self for being selfish and less emphatic to other people's struggles instead I'm writing this to keep myself in check and hopefully, I'll improve myself as the time goes by. 

I used to question a lot of things especially bad things that ever happened to me and most of the time, it didn't just stop there and then. Me questioning things had lead myself to a lot of self-blaming and I had my clear portion of pointing fingers to other people including my parents, my family, my friends, strangers on the road basically everyone. 

Honestly at one point of my life, I even questioned God for all the bad things that happened to me. Stupid right? At the back of my mind, I know that everything that happened (be it good or bad) are part of the God's plans for me and sometimes He just want to test you but yet I question stuffs. When I was younger, I used to wonder why is it that Allah didn't grant me my prayers? I asked for a happy life, happy perfect family, I asked Him to get me a lot of money so that I can be rich but He didn't grant that. I asked for a perfect love, a good guy yet He gave me trash guys, bad guys. I wondered does Allah even loves me? If He does, why does He kept testing me with all these? Am I that bad that He's showing no mercy on me? Why does it seems like other people had it easy, everyone except me? 

My young self forgot that everything that happened to me all along was part of the plan to make me a better person. Imagine if He simply grant me everything that I want, I don't think I will be who I am today. Over the years, I become a lot wiser and started to see the lessons behind everything that happened and I couldn't be more grateful for it. Imagine if God simply granted what I want then I won't study my ass off, I won't work hard, I won't push myself, I will take my family for granted, I will be an ungrateful person, I won't care for other people and most importantly, I won't be who I am today. 

Therefore as I turn 26 years old now, I have nothing much to ask from Allah other than to thank Him for everything that He has blessed me with over the years. Not just for His gift of life but also for all the blessings he had ever bless me with. Only by His grace and love, I get to celebrate my birthday with roof over my head, food on the table, a car to move around, money in my bank and a bed to sleep on. Good has been more than good to me. He gave me peace in times of troubles, soothed my pain, put a smile on my face during my bad days, when I can't sleep because of my thoughts and anxiety, he put me to sleep, grant me such lovely people around me. I feel like I couldn't ask for more. 


As I turns older today, I can't help to write about my journey of finding love and the idea of self love. Over the years, I struggled with these two the most. I couldn't find the balance of my love for other people and also my love for own self. 

When I was 20 years old, I wrote this in my old blog (pardon my grammar mistakes):

I wish before you reach your 30's, you are already settle down with a family, an understanding husband and maybe few children. This is not a priority but I always believe a woman should be married before 30 years old even though I always with the principle of no marriage until 27. I want you to have a stable job, a good career, a few assets, be matured then you should start thinking about establishing your own family. This will take time I know but it's okay you have all the time in the world, enjoy your youth and be good. I want you to find a guy and be with him because you are really in love with his personality not because you are afraid of being single. There's nothing wrong of being alone, it's better than being with the wrong person. I hope you find a right guy that is worth waiting. A guy that will love you forever no matter how old or how ugly you'll become. Do not hurry on important things especially marriage. Take your time to get to know people better, make decisions based on that. I want you to find a guy that can understand you through your thick and thin. A guy who will accept all your flaws and will love you no matter what happens.

As much as I love the young me for being so cute and innocent, I have to disappoint her because I feel like the journey of finding the love of my life could take longer than expected hahaha. At this point of my life, I'm not sure whether I can keep my promise to be married by 30. I mean maybe I can but I don't want to just marry some random guy and ended up regretting my decision later. I take marriage and love very seriously and I'm not okay to simply marry someone just because I am 'at the age to do so'. 

My last relationship was something that I'm not proud of because even though we were together for a few years and we had dreams to have our future together, I realized that along the way, I had lost myself and the values I used to believe in. It's funny that at that time, I ignored a lot of things even the values and attributes I swear by and called it 'love'.  I have to admit I was stupid back then and sometimes you didn't realize how bad it is when you're in it but once you get out from that circle, you feel like slapping yourself with a chair haha. Looking back, I wish that I would have more self respect and not be too stupid to blindly agree on one's  beliefs and ideologies or thinking especially if you have different views on it. It's  definitely normal and okay not to be on the same page on everything. 

Look at how young (and ugly) I was back then. I remember my friends and I went ice skating and it was my birthday so they prepared a suprise for me and made the whole people in the ice rink sang happy birthday to me. The ice cream was given by one of the sellers there as a gift hahaha. 

After my break up last year, I literally thought that I'm going to end up alone forever hahaha. I don't know what got into me but my ex used to say a lot of stupid stuffs and believe it or not, I took some of those as the truth. He used to say that if I'm not with him, no one will want me. I can't believe I tolerated such a dumb statement and now I realized that yeah I mean who are you to tell me that no one will ever find me attractive and one day be in love with me? You are not God or anything. But yes at the early stage of my breakup, I literally told my friends that I will end up alone, I don't think I will ever be with someone and I was ready to live my lonely single life. At that time I told my friends that it's okay I will just sign up to be the sporting cool auntie to their children.  It took a lot of scoldings and lectures from my friends and my sister to knock my senses out of me. 

Since that incident, I did try to know some people but someway somehow things didn't work out. They're just not for me. Or maybe because now I know my self worth and what I have to offer, I refused to simply settle down with those who don't carry the same value as me.  At one time, I kinda lose my faith and I didn't want to get attached to anyone anymore because at the end, I feel like it only destroy me and I am better off alone. But along the way, I realized that in finding the right person, you'll stumble into a lot of things which includes snakes, crocodiles and cats hahaha. Cats for not having the courage they need in life (basically guys who are being pussy), crocodiles because some of them have serious loyalty issues and gosh I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes but turns out that I've been doing that for years! Hahaha joking.


Now I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and sometimes you meet wrong people, or you meet bad people or you meet nice people but they're not right for you. You can love someone and he might not love you back or someone might love you so much but you don't share the same love. Whatever it is, I have come to a realization that falling in love is just part and parcel of life and a soft landing is never guaranteed for us. However, despite everything I still believe in love and deep inside my heart I know and believe that God has written someone for me and one day when the time is right, we will find each other and we will live hmmm maybe not a perfect life but a happy one.

While writing this post, I was somehow reminded of my family, friends and some other people who among many, have showered me with endless loves, advises, supports and affections. I don't know how to express how grateful I am for being bless with so many amazing people in my life. I might not be that lucky when it comes to romantic relationship but in other aspects, I'm definitely one of the luckiest.


I didn't get the chance to celebrate my birthday at home for years now due to other commitments but I know that regardless of where I am, I always have my family's loves with me. When I was in university, not being able to celebrate birthdays at home didn't bother me that much but now, I wish I can go home and spend my birthday with my loved ones. Some people take family for granted. I used to be like that too especially those days where I was living the carefree live with my friends but as I get older I realize that people were right; the most important thing in life is family. Of course there are days where you love them and others you don't,  but they're the people you always come home to. My mum and my sisters are the very reason I started running for my dreams and I believe that if you always work hard one day you'll achieve them.


Like I said earlier, the most important thing in life is family. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the ones you make yourself.

I believe that this entry is very very long already. That's the weird thing about me and writing. I always tell myself that oh I don't know what to write but most of the time, when I started writing it becomes very very long hahaha. I guess I should stop now.


Dear self, you have done so well and you will continue to do better I know. You deserve all the good things in life. Don't give up and just be the amazing Liyana you've always been okay? Happy birthday to the great person you're becoming and cheers to a life full of happiness that never ends!