Brave face

“Be brave” - the one thing I’d always tell myself.

I had always considered myself a fighter.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not scared or I’m not afraid of something. It means “yeah we’re scared, but we’re still going to do it anyway”.

Some people thought that I had an easy life. Maybe I’m just better at pretending and hiding stuffs. They thought oh I was smart and did well in school then like clouds and rainbows, I got to follow my dream to study law and then I graduated and become a lawyer. 

The truth is people don’t see your struggles. They don’t even want to know about it.

Honestly, I always work hard. You know sometimes we have friends who didn’t have to study even a page but still do freaking well in school? Or that friend who doesn’t bother to study because somehow they’re going to inherit the family’s business? Well, I was never that friend. Whatever I achieved today is based on nothing but preserverance and hard works. I put in the work, I hustle. To put it simply, I WORK MY FREAKING ASS OFF.

You see, my mum is a teacher and most of my aunties and uncles are mostly either teachers or government servants. So imagine I was 13 and I was parading around telling people I want to become a lawyer. People practically laughed and brush it off.

I don’t blame them.  I was just a girl from this small district Bachok, Kelantan who studies in some kampung school. Back then, there was no senior from my school who went to study law (or none that I know). So when people hear the word “lawyer” from me - it felt too far fetched.

Growing up, I  was the rock of the family. I always have this huge responsibilities to my parents and my sisters so there’s always this pressure; the pressure to do well. As a family, we had our own struggles. Of course we didn’t tell people our problems and we kept everything behind close door, but there were tough days. 

Well my dad was never really in the picture while my mum (bless her) was the one working very hard to make ends meets for us. She was going through a lot on her own, so  I can never add more unnecessary burdens on her. My sisters are all younger than me and growing up, they relied on me a lot. 

So when it comes to backing myself or fighting for myself, I had to do that on my own. 

Looking back at my childhood-teenage days, I don’t know why but I always get teary eyes. Even while typing this, I get sad and feel like crying. There’s this part inside of me that idk hurts? I guess that’s why every  time I see someone struggling, I feel the need to help them and whenever I can’t, I will feel disappointed with myself.

Is this what we called childhood trauma? Idk.

Whatever it worth, my life is a lot better now. Everyday I thank Allah for all the blessings. I have a job that I like, I have a husband who’s so loving and kind to me, I have a house to live in, my sisters are all doing so well Alhamdulillah, my mum finally doesn’t have to work her bones off anymore and can finally be with a man who is kind and loves her. All these beautiful gifts that sometimes we tend to ignore and forget.

For years, I’ve been in a battle on my own. It has been lonely and scary.
Until one day, I realised that hey I’m okay now. I have my husband. He’s my knight and he fights for me and for our family now. For once, I can sleep peacefully,  with less worry. 

Thank you my husband for always telling me this “Sayang, I ada. I’m with you. You’re not alone, we can do this together”.

Thank you Allah.

One year later...

On 8th August last year, I got married to the love of my life. 

It was one of the happiest moments in my life. I still remember that feeling of relief once the akad was pronounced that very evening. For once, I feel this calmness and I remember telling myself "Liyana, you're okay now. You're with someone you can call home" while trying to hold down my tears.  For once, I feel like I can finally breathe and all the stress I had before from preparing the wedding in the midst of Covid-19 pandemic are all gone.

I was just one happy girl.

It has been 1 year and 25 days since I'm married to the love of my life. I'm not going to lie and claim that "oh our marriage is perfect" because it's not. The last 390 days have been nothing but a challenging and eye-opening experience. Hilmi and I well we fight a lot, not as much these days but at the beginning of our marriage, it feels like war hahahaha.  I guess during those time, we were still adjusting to the whole thing, I mean I'd never live with a guy before not even a brother. The same thing for him, his siblings are all guys so it was new for him as well. Most of the fights we had before was pretty much caused by me, I don't know why but I just don't like losing, even with my husband or even if it's not a competition, I JUST HAD TO WIN! 

But again, not entirely my fault okay, I married an annoying jokester lol.

However these days, Alhamdulillah we are a bit calm, sometimes we still fight but not like serious fights. One day my husband actually asked me why I was like calm and not trying to pick a fight with him over something stupid he said, I told him I realize that it's ridiculous, we usually fight about small stuffs anyway and even if we fight like crazy, we will still reconcile by the end of the day and hug each other to sleep, so I find no point being crazy and let the man rest.

At the same time I realize that after I passed the one year mark of our marriage, a lot of things changed. I changed. Before that I didn't reapply appreciate my kind husband and took him for granted. Hilmi had been nothing but kind and loving to me while I was the girl who can't tolerate even a slight error/mistake and I turned maniac over such simple imperfection. He's been patient with me and he took good care of me when I was sick and all, I just feel like I need to treat him better.

When my husband thanked me and said I made him a better man. My heart melts but honestly, I didn't make him a better guy or anything, he has always been an amazing guy. Even when we were just dating, he just didn't realize it.

Through out the last 390 days of our marriage, I was happy. Not all the time, but I'm mostly am happy. How can I'm not happy? I'm with the man of my dreams. I'm with a happy kind and fun man who loves me. My life has been a lot better as I have someone I can share my days with now, someone who belanja me a lot of things because he wants me to be happy, someone who puts cold towels on my forehead when I'm sick, someone who helps me cook, someone who vacuums and cleans the house every Saturday and never let me do the house work, someone who helps me iron my clothes everyday, someone who listens to my stories even when he didn't understand and forgets some of it, someone who supports me with whatever things I want to do, someone who hugs me everyday, someone who tells me I'm special, someone who thinks about me before himself.  

All these things my husband did to me, I don't think it was possible to say that I'm not happy.

I guess this is where I have to end my post. If my husband ever read this post, well Hi sayang! I just want you to know that I love you so much, thank you for everything you've done to me and I hope you tak menyesal kahwin dengan I hahahaha.