“Be brave” - the one thing I’d always tell myself.
I had always considered myself a fighter.
It doesn’t mean that I’m not scared or I’m not afraid of something. It means “yeah we’re scared, but we’re still going to do it anyway”.
Some people thought that I had an easy life. Maybe I’m just better at pretending and hiding stuffs. They thought oh I was smart and did well in school then like clouds and rainbows, I got to follow my dream to study law and then I graduated and become a lawyer.
The truth is people don’t see your struggles. They don’t even want to know about it.
Honestly, I always work hard. You know sometimes we have friends who didn’t have to study even a page but still do freaking well in school? Or that friend who doesn’t bother to study because somehow they’re going to inherit the family’s business? Well, I was never that friend. Whatever I achieved today is based on nothing but preserverance and hard works. I put in the work, I hustle. To put it simply, I WORK MY FREAKING ASS OFF.
You see, my mum is a teacher and most of my aunties and uncles are mostly either teachers or government servants. So imagine I was 13 and I was parading around telling people I want to become a lawyer. People practically laughed and brush it off.
I don’t blame them. I was just a girl from this small district Bachok, Kelantan who studies in some kampung school. Back then, there was no senior from my school who went to study law (or none that I know). So when people hear the word “lawyer” from me - it felt too far fetched.
Growing up, I was the rock of the family. I always have this huge responsibilities to my parents and my sisters so there’s always this pressure; the pressure to do well. As a family, we had our own struggles. Of course we didn’t tell people our problems and we kept everything behind close door, but there were tough days.
Well my dad was never really in the picture while my mum (bless her) was the one working very hard to make ends meets for us. She was going through a lot on her own, so I can never add more unnecessary burdens on her. My sisters are all younger than me and growing up, they relied on me a lot.
So when it comes to backing myself or fighting for myself, I had to do that on my own.
Looking back at my childhood-teenage days, I don’t know why but I always get teary eyes. Even while typing this, I get sad and feel like crying. There’s this part inside of me that idk hurts? I guess that’s why every time I see someone struggling, I feel the need to help them and whenever I can’t, I will feel disappointed with myself.
Is this what we called childhood trauma? Idk.
Whatever it worth, my life is a lot better now. Everyday I thank Allah for all the blessings. I have a job that I like, I have a husband who’s so loving and kind to me, I have a house to live in, my sisters are all doing so well Alhamdulillah, my mum finally doesn’t have to work her bones off anymore and can finally be with a man who is kind and loves her. All these beautiful gifts that sometimes we tend to ignore and forget.
For years, I’ve been in a battle on my own. It has been lonely and scary.
Until one day, I realised that hey I’m okay now. I have my husband. He’s my knight and he fights for me and for our family now. For once, I can sleep peacefully, with less worry.
Until one day, I realised that hey I’m okay now. I have my husband. He’s my knight and he fights for me and for our family now. For once, I can sleep peacefully, with less worry.
Thank you my husband for always telling me this “Sayang, I ada. I’m with you. You’re not alone, we can do this together”.
Thank you Allah.
