"Allah ada dalam sangkaan hambaNya"

Hari tu (hari Rabu minggu lepas to be exact), aku dah buntu sangat sangat dah. The thing about me is I don't feel like working in my current firm anymore. Since daripada habis chambering hari tu 15.09.2018 (first day of raya) until la now, I currently stay at my current firm. They offer to retain me, actually they start offering masa bulan ke 3 macam tu dah. Tapi dulu masa tu tak habis lagi chambering so boleh bagi macam macam alasan "tengok lah dulu, I haven't think about it yet" or "its a long way to go, I haven't decide what I'm going to do after this". 

And then hari tu sebab tarikh aku habis chambering tu time first day raya so aku ambik like quite some time la before I actually file all my borang 6, notis perbicaraan and other stuffs. Yelah sebab dah cuti raya pun dah seminggu pastu balik KL banyak pulak benda kena settle before I can actually file my papers. So on 02.07.2018 baru dapat file all my papers. 

Masa lepas aku balik raya, master aku tanya "Liyana are you going to stay?" Aku tak sempat jawab lagi dia dah cakap "I hope you stay and continue working here", aku pun rasa bersalah la. Tu tak masuk senior partner aku duk call aku suruh aku stay, we know your potential other firms might not know yet yedda yedda which aku rasa bersyukur they offer me to retain me. Bersyukur sangat sangat ramai kot kawan kawan aku yang firm diorang tak offer nak retain. Tapi tu lah deep inside aku ni memang tak tahan dah. Aku pun tak tau apa yang aku tak tahan, aku tak tahan dah jadi lawyer ke aku tak tahan dah ke stay kat firm ni ke apa? And then pasal nak stay ke tak tu end up someway somehow semua orang assume aku nak stay which actually at that time I don't mind staying pun sekejap. Dalam hati aku, aku fikir "takpelah kau stay je lah Liyana sekejap" sebab yelah banyak lagi tak settle masa tu.

Then in the mean time, aku ada la apply kerja sikit sikit kat firm lain. Ada satu firm aku pergi interview and dapat tapi kata hati aku kuat mengatakan yang aku tak sesuai firm tu. So aku terpaksa tolak sebab of course I don't want to masuk to a worse firm kan. And then aku ada pergi lagi satu interview, firm dia aku suka dah. Suka gila la. Interviewer aku tu pun baik tapi tu lah takde rezeki kot. Aku pun faham walaupun dia cakap dia suka aku, the fact yang I haven't called to be bar yet and I have no practising certificate make things difficult for firms to actually hire me. I can totally relate. If there's two candidates which are equally good but then candidate A got no practising license yet of course I'm going to take the other one; with a valid practising certificate. Aku pun faham the urgency of the firm to find someone yang can fill in the gap right away.

After second interview aku gi tu and tak dapat, aku dah macam tak semangat and the right word is 'lose hope' nak cari kerja. Aku sampai fikir memang dah nasib aku kot kena stay kat firm sekarang ni sampai tua. Firm sekarang ni hmm overall okay tapi ada certain things yang aku tak sesuai thats why aku nak keluar. Pastu aku macam depressed tau sebab aku apply like banyak gila firms; aku hantar resume kat banyak gila firms and then satu pun tak panggil interview. Which I know is because aku takde pc lagi and tak long call lagi. Tapi still aku macam depressed la. Moody pun ada gak. Kau imagine la dengan takde mood nak kerjanya, ya ampunn.

Then hari Rabu hari tu something jadi kat office aku macam ada issue la sikit. After what happened lagi la aku rasa aku takleh nak kerja dah kat sini. Sampai aku cerita kat Firdaus sampai nangis nangis, aku cakap aku dah tak tahan dah semua. Tapi at the same time aku macam sedih sebab aku rasa macam dah takde positivity dah dalam diri aku, aku dah macam tak percaya yang aku akan dapat kerja lain. Like everything in me is so messed up already, I see no hope for my future. Masa tu aku memang cakap kat Firdaus aku nak berhenti walaupun actually decision nak berhenti tu actually susah sangat because regardless  aku still kena pay for my rent and my bills anyway. So if tak dapat secure a place yet and berhenti jer memang risky gila. Masa tu aku macam sedih gila sebab aku rasa macam am I that desperate that I have to stay working at a place yang I seriously and honestly tak enjoy as long as I can continue to survive. Masa tu la aku faham maksud desperation and survival tu macam mana.

Masa tu memang aku macam dah tak tau nak buat apa, memang buntu gila weh. Semua orang nasihat aku pun aku still macam tak boleh nak terima because I was so negative. I was like no no I can't.  Aku honestly tak pernah negative macam tu. Most of the time, aku biasanya selalu percaya yang Allah tu ada and dia akan tolong aku kalau aku time susah. Tapi maybe la masa tu macam bodoh sangat, and dengar orang cakap "ahh la tak dapat pc susah kerja" and campur dengan masalah dekat current firm and plus with the rasa dalam hati membuak buak nak berhenti kerja, I macam jadi ntah la. Macam lupa yang Allah tu pemberi rezeki. And lama gila Firdaus advise aku dia cakap you jangan mind block diri you, you kena percaya yang Allah dah tetapkan rezeki you actually, akan ada peluang pekerjaan tu. Thats when he tell me about the above title "Allah ada dalam sangkaan hambanya" meaning if you percaya that you're going to be successful insyaAllah Allah akan support your plan. And kalau you keep rasa "aku memang fail, aku takleh buat bla bla bla" you're going to fail because Allah tu ada based on apa yang hamba dia nak and trust in. Lebih kurang gitu la. 

Tapi what he said actually panjang gila and actually motivating sangat sangat and that makes me macam istigfar la. How can I didn't trust my own God? When he's the one who creates me? And he clearly says if you want something, I should ask from Him. How can I forget that Allah is Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim? Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. He will murahkan us with rezeki if we ask and belive in Him. And if He doesn't grant what we want, doesn't mean yang Dia tak sayangkan hambaNya or Dia nak tengok kita hidup dalam kesusahan and unhappy, maybe that's the best for us tapi kita tak tahu. Sedangkan Allah tahu. He knows everything.

Malam tu aku sedih gila, aku macam mintak ampun kat Allah sebab rasa macam diri ni dah lupa kat Pencipta sendiri. Padahal kite ni takde apa apa pun kalau bukan sebab Allah yang menciptakan kita hmm.

So begitu lah cerita dia how I come across the meaningful words tu. For now, I still tak dapat secure a place in other place yet tapi I percaya rezeki Allah tu luas and dia ada tetapkan a better place for me. I just have to keep praying and trust His decisions because He's the best planner for all of us.

Anyone yang come across this post of mine, please pray for me. Please make dua that I get offer at better firm pleaseeee. Thanks :)

ps: Dah lama gila tak menulis dalam bahasa malaysia ni. Tapi okay jer kan? 

“Aku bertindak menurut sangkaan hambaKu kepadaKu. Aku bersamanya apabila dia mengingatiKu. Jika mereka mengingatiKu dalam dirinya, nescaya Aku menyebutnya dalam diriKu. Apabila mereka menyebut namaKu dalam kumpulan nescaya Aku menyebutnya dalam kumpulan yang lebih baik daripada mereka.”

(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim)

Why him?

That is the most frequent question I get from my friends. 

Why him? Why this guy?

I wrote about Firdaus few times already in my previous posts and to be honest, I want to keep our relationship as private and confidential as I can. I don't want anyone to know about it, anyone except us. Maybe because I wasn't ready yet? I'm not really sure why. But based on my previous experiences, I always met and ended up with a lot of shitty guys,  I found myself becoming more and more careful about sharing these things. It doesn't mean that my love for him wasn't passionate enough or real enough for me to share with the whole world, it's just that I want to take time and love this guy as he is and as I am, without people's interfering the process.

However, as much as I want to keep our relationship as private as I can, I am still a human and a woman. I still share and talk about him with some of my best friends and close friends. I think it's not fair to keep it as secret from them since these people hmmm they have been supporting and loving me since I was no one (I still am though). At the same time, I find it sad not to document at least bits of everything about us, what we've been through, how I feel about him and the random and funny conversations we had. So I decided to write about him here. (that explains the previous few entries about him). I think that its normal that you know when you're with someone, there are things that you want to cherish and remember for the rest of your life. But I can promise for sure, I'll keep writing about other stuffs too :p

We've been in relationship for 4/5 months now and it has been crazy hahaha. To be honest, I never thought that I can be with the same person for 5 months straight. Its something that I can never imagine before. And if I am to consider the period where we were "friends but more than friends" or "friends but I know you like me", I've been with him for like 9 to 10 months already. Wow. I know that well it might be common to maybe half of the world out there but for me, it's an achievement. To be completely honest, we do fight here and there, but I think it's pretty normal right? Couples fight all the time. We're still in the process of getting to know each other better, so there were days where I find his jokes to be super super lame and weren't funny at all, there were days where I find him too much of an annoyance or there were days where we decided not to text each other. I think it's a common thing, as long as there is still love then it should be fine.

I am the kind of person who always seek for advices from my friends. That is because I think my friends know me better. So every time I had a fight with Firdaus or there's something that he did that I don't like, I'll ask my friends their opinions about it. As a result, he has become so famous in our groups hahahaha. We talk about him all the time; when we were playing PUBG  as a team, when we went to eat for lunch/dinner/brunch somewhere, when we were in the car, on our way to shopping basically everywhere. Pity my boyfriend becomes the talk of the town! hahahaha. As we all like to discuss about my relationship, my friends always ask me why do I choose him. Out of all guys? And I always become clueless to answer that. I know that I have the answer its just that I don't know how to explain it or to put it in words.

One time, one of my friends asked me "Why do you like him?" and after contemplating for few seconds I said "Hmm I also don't know why. Isn't it love requires no reasons nor explanations? There's no specific reasons why I love him, I just do". Looking back at the moment, I feel like oh my god, that's such an embarrassing answer. So embarrassing, cliche and ewww. That's literally not the normal Liyana. If I'm in my right mind, I won't give such answer, I think that's the crazy-in-love Liyana hahahaha.

Why I love him? Yelah Liyana why you love him? Why not the guy with the good looks and perfect smile? Why not the stable guy with a big car and a house? Why not the smart guy with the bright future?

Hmmm I always tell myself (and I told him this once as well) but I think my love for him is the most illogical thing ever. The most illogical feeling I've ever felt and experienced. He always teases me, he challenges me, sometimes he pisses me off but someway somehow I am still with him, listening to his annoying jokes and how he made fun of the fact that I'm so dramatic (even though that might be true). I can't even consider the idea of leaving him. He's like a home to me, whatever I do, or how bad the fight we both had, I always find my way back to this guy. Annoying isn't it?

At the same time, I found him to be a passionate lover. He just didn't realize that about himself. I know that it might seems like I'm the one who leads the relationship or I made 'us' but to be honest, he's just a very very nice person and a lovely boyfriend. He calls me almost every night and we talk for few hours. He always asks me how I was doing and those simple gestures of his care and love always made my day. Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to find this man and to have him by my side but because I don't know how to express myself well; instead of thanking him for his presence and love, I said mean jokes about him hahahahaha. But I hope you know that I love you and appreciate you.

Okay, dah puji boyfriend sendiri and back to being that crazy dramatic and super mean girlfriend muehehehe :)

If it's meant to be, it will be.