Weird

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in and everyone hates me. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I look at the mirror but I can't find myself. Sometimes out of nowhere you suddenly miss everything but you can't specifically mention what 'everything' is. Sometimes I long for people I haven't met in real life but I believe they exist. Sometimes I feel like driving alone, listening to some odd radio channels that I won't bother on my normal days. Sometimes I feel like going out with random friends and have a nice coffee date. Sometimes I don't feel like talking, laughing or even looking at the world. Sometimes I crave for my alone time but realize that it might be too boring. Sometimes someone mentioned a very small little thing but it affects me the most.  

Weird isn't it?

Don't worry, we are all a little weird sometimes. 

Love

I guess when your age starts to bloom to 20 plus, people will start asking about your private life including your love relationship. And honestly I am not very comfortable and confident with the topic nor that I am ready to discuss it openly. I still consider myself as 'young' and I don't see any reasons why finding a guy should be my ultimate life goal at this moment.I mean of course finding the right guy is important  but that only matters if you're thinking of marrying that person. If it's just for the sake of occupying your alone time or just filling up the gap hmm better find a hobby or find a good book. At least you'll gain something. If I decided to be with someone to keep up with the trend or because I'm the only single person in the group or I'm afraid that people might labelled me as 'tak laku' then I don't think I'm being good and honest to myself. And I think this is one of the contributing factors to the failure of many love relationships nowadays. We misunderstand other feelings with love. So these days every time I find a guy and he finds me 'hmm okay' and I find him 'hmm okay', I will ask myself whether is it true I am admiring this guy in front of me or is it just because I'm lonely or my friends ask me to go for it. If you take that 2 minutes to really wonder around you'll find the best answer for yourself. 

Personally I have no problems with people having boyfriends, in fact I respect those who can manage their life quite well despite all the commitments. Me on the other hand can barely cope and juggle with everything, I don't see myself taking in another commitment and rearranging everything again. Not now and not that I can manage that hmm maybe nayyy. Of course when you are at my age and you see people went out for dates with their special ones, sometimes I can't help myself from wondering  when will I get to experience all those things. Honestly lovebirds are cute sometimes hehe. But as far as I'm concerned these kind of thoughts didn't come across me everyday. Usually I find myself 'memberontak' (haha term takleh bla) for a boyfriend on very very very very lonely days where I can't find anything fun to do, or when I'm hungry but have no one to teman me out for dinner or when I want to go to library but can't find people who are nerds enough to be my study mates,  that's when I yearn for romantic relationships. 

Other than that, I think I am better alone. 

I guess this is the simplest and best answer I can provide to all those asking for now. The thing is I am searching for one (not that I'm ignorant tak kisah tunggu jodoh dari langit ke apa) but it's hard to find a decent guy these days. Plus looking at myself I doubt that guys are actually interested in me hahaha. But honestly if I find a guy, I'll introduce him to the world. Don't worry hahahaha. 

Alaa isn't the best relationships usually begin unexpectedly?

Hello

Sometimes when I get too busy with life and I miss myself, I will read my old zaman rempitzz entries, unfinished entries or some posts that I will never publish to public because of some personal reasons. It gives me some sort of satisfaction and happiness to know that I'm living my life quite well despite all the struggles and problems (some are self created btw). Plus I feel glad to know that they are not permanent either, after some time we'll go through the 'impossible to be done' things with ease.  Back then I thought I won't be able to get through some of the shits but now, look at you *standing proud*.You're doing quite well. One thing that I realize about struggle and hard work is that they never betray, always go well as what I planned. Its either I'm getting better or my determination and endurance get stronger. Or maybe both.  Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before. I don't know whether I am stupid ke apa but once I manage to overcome all the hardships, automatically I will forget all the bad days. Maybe my brain dah refused to remember them anymore macam "dah dah aku tak nak ingat dah, benda lama jangan dikenang" hahaha.

So people in case you are struggling and you thought that there's no hope. Think again.You can do this, you just have to be mentally and physically prepared. That's all.  This is the beginning of anything you want.

I find this beautiful and I suddenly have the urge to share it tehee.