Healing.

To be honest, I had a lot of ample time. I could write if I want to but someway somehow I abstain myself from writing because I don't want myself to write about sad things. I always love writing because I can always write what is in my head, but for after what happened recently, I refused to write what I have in my mind because its so destructive. I know that I should be genuine and I can't have a perfectly happy life all the time but I just hate  the fact that I 'm weak because of what that.

I do want to write whatever I have in my mind, how sad I was, how hard everything was and how much I struggle until I finally found some courage to be myself again but the papers remain empty, the post remain as white as it is. I keep telling myself  'we have move on right. Today is a good day, another opportunity for you to shine' but at the end of the day, I'll sit in the corner of my room wondering whether everything is going to be fine. At one point of my life, I really hate myself because I keep thinking of memories I shouldn't, I keep thinking of people I shouldn't care about.

Someone told me he find himself another girl (either he find himself a new girl or he's always been with the girl all these time but I never know about it) It was pretty shocking, actually I was so shocked. There's no way to explain how mind blowing it was. I was pretty mad with myself because I think I was being stupid. I suffered for nothing. Some of my friends did asked me about the chances of getting back together if he ever ask for, and I totally said no. Never. I always give people a second chance in mostly everything but for this time, I firmly said no. I'd been true to our relationship and ended up behind the bars of betrayal.  I think it was toxic and I will never waste my effort and time for this kind of guy.

Sometimes, I do miss the memories. We have our favourite songs that we used to listen in the car together. After that thing happened, I can't bring myself to listen to the songs at all. I'll turn my radio off, or change the channel.  I'll avoid everything related to the shit, but these days I realize the more I avoid, the harder it gets. One day, I pick up my courage and stick to the song until the end. It was hard and torturing but I felt better. So what? This song had always been my favourite since years ago, way before I met him. It's not my fault this happened and I should stop myself from avoiding stuffs, instead I should embrace it and accept the fact that some people are just too shitty to be in my life. When I was with him, I had always been true of what I like and dislike. I like to keep it real, but then I wonder was he lying all these while? Everything he said was all lies right? 

Everyday I pray to God to make things easier for me. I guess I'm getting better. I won't promised you that this is my last entry of me being heart broken ( I hate this word, or to call myself heart broken) or sad but all I can say is I'm trying to find all my pieces back. I want to be the old Liyana. I used to be quite positive with everything including people. Now, I'm a bit judging I would say. It's hard for me to open up to new people in case they will left me too. I always give my all so when people leave, it's hard for me to bear everything. I used to be this one girl who will look at the mirror everyday and tell myself "awww you look so pretty today", I am that one girl who puji diri sendiri all the time because I know no one will ever did that to me. These days hmmm I dress so minimal, with less makeup (compared to how I used to do my make up). Its not that I have no one to impress, I never do things to impress people anyway. Its just that I feel demotivated sometimes, but it's okay I'm getting better. Life is quite good so far. I started my chambering (working) and everything is so new and so challenging but I like challenges anyway so I always look up to another day of work. I'll write in detail about my chambering soon!

So, that's it. Since he find himself a new girl, I wish them happiness. I hope he treats her right this time because honestly, no girl should be treated the way I did. I don't want to wish him bad things or karma or whatever because that's so cheap. I'm not jealous with their relationship because honestly, he's just the wrong guy for me. I deserve someone way better than him, someone who compliments me. To all the girls, who had been through the same situation as I did, my advice would be to know your value. If a guy tell you he can't be with you, or refused to be with you anymore. Pack your things and leave. Do not beg because if you are important in his life, he won't be doing that at the first place. You'll be sad, you'll get lonely but that is way better than with the wrong guy. Trust me. 

"Because while you're left with these painful memories, you remember that what he doesn't posses is the power to destroy you".

Worrying solves nothing

"You are still young. Take it easy".

Sometimes,I forget the fact that I'm still young and its okay not to have everything figured out. Things take time. Honestly, there are so many things going on in my life and as much as I have to juggle everything, I can't stop myself from worrying in case everything that I had planned didn't turn out the way I expected them to be. In short, I overthink. 

In my case, I think there wasn't a single moment in my life where I think I was completely happy. Maybe there is few but I just can't think of one right now. When there's something great happened or I was like laughing, happy and stuffs, there's something inside my heart that keeps telling me to tone it down. Like "Liyana I know you are happy but be careful, you might cry tomorrow darling". Hahaha no I was kidding I never called myself darling, that's so ewww. I usually called myself stupid or crackhead or just 'girl' in general like its okay you got this girl. Sometimes when I did something extremely extremely stupid, I'll be like 'hey crackhead why are you acting like one stupid crazy girl ah? Stop you're embarrassing yourself'.

Still, what I'm trying to say is yeah I am that one girl who's afraid to let herself go, to let everything out just in case something unexpected or bad is going to happen. I used to be the one who gives everything for something or for people but then I discovered that once things messed up, or once people leave, it hurts me so freaking bad. So starting from that moment, I promised to be careful, not to set my expectation high, not to give my everything since we can't predict the future right? People change and leave, things are destroyed, memories fade and I'm not careful I might be left with nothing. I know that I sound so negative but honestly, I'm just being careful. We have to be prepared for "just in case" moments. 

So back to my story, yes I worry about a lot of stuffs. I'm not going to mention or discuss specifically each and every one of them but I think about them a lot. My 'what if's are killing me.   I won't say sampai tak tidur malam semua because takde lah I've been sleeping well jer haha. I keep telling myself to stop worrying, things are going to be just fine and there's so many opportunities for you in this world. They say the sky is the only limit but actually even the sky is not the limit. You set the limit for yourself, if you're willing to do something you can go extra miles for it. Again girl, stop worrying. Things will work their way out one day, maybe not today but one day they will. Everything is just inside our head. We're going to be just fine, with everything we have right now. Trust me.

Hey

7 days passed by and I'm still good.

I passed over the storms and all the hurdles, now my rainbow is waiting on the other side. I'm going for it. I'm not going to look back anymore. Most importantly, I'd learn a very good lesson based on everything that happened, you can be sad you can question anything but in the end everything is going to be perfectly fine. No storms last forever.

Last Sunday when he texted me that one line, I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought I read it wrong. Oh maybe he wanted to send this to somebody else, I said. I won't say I was at my lowest since the day it happened because I really hate the fact that I sound or look weak for a guy who is obviously unworthy of me but all I can say was hmm my heart felt different. But its okay I'm healing now, I'm happy and I'm doing amazing. I'll be just fine. When I give, I'm all in but when I'm done, there's no looking back for me.

In these 7 days gap, so many things happened. So many good things and blessings granted by God. I'm so thankful. I feel stupid for worrying and feeling sad for something I shouldn't. I always believe that God's plan is always perfect, always beautiful. Guess its true.

By the way, I'm going to start my chambering this 14th August. So early right? I know. Baru jer balik rumah now I have to go back to the city again. I was home last Saturday but since that "incident" happened last week, I didn't feel like holiday at all okay. Now, I'm feeling better I guess I have to ensure that I enjoy this week to the fullest. This is going to be my last week of holiday as a student. After this, I'll be working and I believe its going to be another world all together. I'm both nervous and excited with the idea of me working but hey lets be positive about it. Trust yourself and you'll be fine. I know, you'll do great. 

Hopefully :p