#37

People thought that I have no disappointments in life, people thought that I had it easy. Some even wonder how can I live with no fear at all,  like my life has been all good days, rainbows and marshmallows. Wait marshmallows? Hehehe never mind just cut that crap.

That is not true, at all. To be honest, I have many disappointments I would say too many which makes me too lazy to count lol.

I'm not good in many things you name it. I don't think I am a good daughter to my parents even though I am trying my very best to be one. I think if I manage to be at least half of my mum's expectations, that would mean a world to me. Not a good sister, sometimes not a good company to keep around well depending on your style actually. Some people might like my personality, some people might hate me. Our preference differs and I can't blame people for that, I was not an excellent student back then (not straight A pun, espiem cutkup-cukup makan jer) and now I'm in university, hmm boleh lah average okay kot. I try to maintain my pointer to 3.00 and above, that's my philosophy. But well on good days I surprise myself by scoring 3.4 and above or the best in class in certain tests (note that these are quite rare actually hahaha).

My point is that as humans, we all have flaws. We can't avoid that. As life goes by I have experience many disappointments in life; in studies, love relationship (kite pernah ada crush tapi crush tak suka kat kite, dia suke orang lain pastu kite nangis empat puluh hari bawah selimut hahahaaahaha), broken family, friendships, kecewa sebab diri sendiri and etc. You name it. And as the list goes on and on for that category, I have quite a list for my fears too. I fear many things. I'm afraid of snakes, ghosts, murderers, rapists and etc. Used to be afraid of water (pools, rivers, beaches  okay not water as in air mandi biasa tu gila la takut yang tu haha), I had hydrophobia actually but these days manage to overcome that phobia with the help of my cool friends and my cool self of course lol. And I'm very very very very clumsy and oblivious in certain things to the extent where I feel like slapping myself for being so clumsy. Ridiculously observant to certain matters and completely oblivious to the other half = me .

You think I have no disappointments and fears? Seriouslyyyyyy?

So you see darlings, we're all not perfect but we don't show our scars to the world. The main reason I choose not to talk or the best word is 'ignore'  all the bad things, bad experiences is because I believe they are not healthy. They are not healthy to me and I believe they are not healthy to you reader(s) and to the world as a whole. I believe I should not bring people down with me. Just because I hate someone for being a complete crap, or I hate his/her attitudes I'm not going to share that hatred to the world. Well I might do that if it is too much but if it is possible for me to keep things to myself, I choose to do so. We always come across this phrase 'keep that hatred to yourself', the same principle applies here in writing, blogging and internet community. If you don't like something try your best to keep that to yourself, or at least just have some talks about that among your good friends je lah.  Look at what the world is becoming when people believe that they 'need' to share every single thing to others through our social medias. They are destructive. Its okay to share certain matters especially if they are for good reasons but if they don't serve any specific purpose, why bother at the first place kan. Tengok dah ke laut dah jadi.

I cannot pretend that I have no fear. But in a way I would say my predominant feeling is a gratitude.I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone criticized me I have already criticized myself. It's not weird for me to call myself 'stupid' or 'bangang' or whatever unfriendly terms you name it. As much as I am such a huge critic to myself dah, I choose not to allow people to criticize myself. I can barely handle my own critics anyway. Plus people will always talk about you,even if you're sharing only the good side of the coin, rainbows, flowers and etc. Alaa orang share pasal agama as tazkirah pun selalu kena tibai, tak faham aku. Padahal takde kena mengena dengan kite pun. Nak terima, terima. Tak nak terima ignore jer.

So if you're dissapointed with something just keep calm and remember that time solves most things. And when time can't solve them, you have to solve yourself.

Maybe as time goes on, you'll understand.

Was taken on the last day of my internship, miss those days (well actually not really lah just feel like a complete lupa diri and tak reti bersyukur if I didn;t said that hahahaha)