Fitness

"I need to lose weight"

I keep telling that but I did nothing about it. I told myself "You're fat Liyana you need to lose weight" yet I did nothing.

So last weekend, I did something crazy which to be honest, I am not sure I was in my right mind when I decided to get up from my bed, put on my sport shoes and started following the workout routine from a youtube channel. I am not sure what I was thinking at that time. And to be honest, the whole process was so hard and tiring both mentally and physically. I feel like dying (or maybe I did die at that point of time) but in the end I completed it (of course it wasn't perfect, I pause here and there but I did it!). 

Through out the whole 30 minutes, I was basically swearing to myself, shouting and crying deep inside (literally), I also regretted my choice like wth Liyana you're one crazy girl! But I did it and I am kinda proud of myself for that hahahaha. Felt like I had accomplish something and I lovee that feeling. Also, it didn't take me long to realize that my fitness and stamina levels are super low. I already get tired within the first 15 minutes of the video. It took me by surprised that I was at such a bad unhealthy state. At the same time, I kinda know and relate with it because well look at your daily routine girl, you had never exercised regularly or constantly these past months since you left university. So you have no one to be blamed basically.

Okay, through out my 9/10 months pupillage, I gained almost 10kgs which is super super crazy. Looking back to it, I feel like slapping myself with a chair! How can I let that happened??!!! Back then, I didn't have a weight scale so I wasn't regularly checking my weight. So first time I weight myself after few months, I gained like 4kgs and I was in disbelief. I was thinking "Nope there must be something wrong with this thing I don't think I gained that much my trousers still fit me I feel just fine so yeah no way". I did nothing about it and keep living my unhealthy life. Then slowly and gradually I realize that I keep gaining more and more weight until to the point I can't deny it anymore. It gets to the point I become less confident with myself, I was afraid to meet people because I know they will ask me about me looking 'sihat' which I know its just another way of people saying 'you look fat'. I know some are merely asking, I have friends who joke around saying "you must be so happy that you look sihat" but you know its not something that I personally love to hear. 

The thing about me is I had always been cautious and conscious about my weight. Compared to other girls, I was never born as 'stick-thin'. You know I struggled with my weight since I was 11 years old I think. That's because I always weight more than the girls of my age. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't fat at all, and I was always on the taller side so to be honest, my weight kind of correspond with my height. But you know growing up with friends who are stick thin and those who will never get fat regardless of what they eat and those petite cute girls urgh I grew up feeling I wasn't pretty and I wasn't enough. Looking back hmm I shouldn't live like that, I should just enjoy my teenage years (well I actually did but I should not be so weight conscious). Plus, I used to do sports. I play netball, volleyball almost everyday so yeah. At that time, I thought I was fat but looking at the picture and what I actually weight back then, I was soooo thin. I was 165cm with 50-55kg but deep inside I still feel fat.

 Me back when I was in high school (2011)

Then when I started my foundation I gained like almost 10kgs because I totally stopped doing sports and my nafsu makan was so uncontrollable you know. Plus, masa tu foundation I wasn't thinking about living a healthy life at all, all I ever want to do is to study hard so that I can enter law school. So for all the late night discussions, random delivery, late night snacks all that total up to me gaining so much weight. Then I was accepted to my law school and it was an eye opener, all the girls are super pretty and thin. So throughout my 4 years of degree I was on and off from my diet, sometimes I exercise sometimes I didn't but with all the struggles I managed to keep my weight at the standard or healthy BMI. 

Me during my degree life,I gained weight but my BMI was still okay.

 Few months after I finished my law school, I just begun my pupillage. I gained few kgs but I thought still okay.

But you see, based on my story I always struggle and have issues with my weight. Its just that the difference is this time I let that continues and it ruins me, the worst part I did nothing about it. Back then whenever I know and realize that I gained weight, I'll start dieting or do something about it like hey you need to lose that fat but now? I did nothing. That's why I feel like I have no one to be blamed for this, except myself. I let this happened. But you know what, those are all in the past. I feel like it's still not too late for me to do something and I know that I really need to do something. I don't want to look back and have regrets like I did now. I can keep blaming myself like I let that happened, I should exercise more often, I should control my diet yedda yedda but I can still mend things right. So many people gained weight and with discipline and determination, they manage to get rid of the pounds. Its not impossible and I think I can do it too!

So with that resolution in mind, I dragged my lazy ass, put on my shoes and started work out. After that 30 minutes workout hmm or the right terms 'trying to basically kill myself' hahahaha, I feel happy and accomplished. So I promised myself that I will keep doing that everyday. So it has been like 4 or 5 days since the first day I took the leap of faith and challenge myself, and so far I have been regularly exercising for 30-40 minutes everyday. Except yesterday because yesterday I was so freaking tired. But I plan to exercise double today to compensate for yesterday. I really need to lose that additional unnecessary weight and fats. To be honest, it is still hard. I still struggle with it, I still need to drag myself to exercise. And I am still contemplating every time I put on my shoes like "Do I need to do this?" "I am so lazy, okay or not if I just skipped today" but someway somehow I figured out like you know what you have to. Its just that yesterday I was soooo tired because I already exercise in the morning so bila balik kerja tu I rasa macam urgh malasnya. 

My plan is to keep doing this for 30 days and my target for this 30 days is to lose 5kgs. I'm not sure whether is it achievable or not but according to my friends it is possible. And yes I am also controlling my eating and diet a bit. I started eating healthily as well. No more fast food even though gosh mcdonald's is my favourite. I thought I might have like a cheat day once every 2 weeks because gosh my craving is crazy. Also, its sooo hard to maintain 1000-1200 calories and exercise at the same time. Sometimes when I eat less than 1200 calories I feel lazy to exericise anymore. So one of my friends advise me to eat around 1500 calories and workout for 30minutes to 1 hour. 

To be honest, I am still doubting myself. I am not sure whether I can lose all the fat or not but I figure out if I control my diet, I eat healthy and clean, I also exercise regularly, there must be at least some changes at the end of the day isn't it? There must have been some changes I could feel after the 30 days if not in weight reduction, it could be in the form of inches lost I don't know but I think it is possible. So I shall see on 22nd August, what I'm going to achieve. I want to see what happens if I don't give up. Actually before this I already started like jogging around my house twice per week and as a result, I lost like 3kgs in general but I wasn't consistent so I stopped. That's because I really hate running, or jogging since I don't know as long as I can remember! Maybe because I hate the idea of running and people will see me and its something I have in mind I think people will judge. I know I should not think like that but yeah. So I didn't enjoy that so I stopped. These days, I've been doing cardio and basically simple workout, dance routine, sometimes boxing workout and I feel better.

The hardest part for me right now is my mental. Some part of me really want to do this and really want to challenge myself while the other part of me really struggle with it like really hate this idea. But the hardest part is always the beginning, these 2 weeks going to be hell and after that I'll get use to it, right? I read somewhere "Your fitness is 100 percent mental. Your body won't go where your mind doesn't push it" and I couldn't agree more. So I need to push myself, I know I can do this. I just can't be lazy as the body achieves what the mind believes. I can do this, fighting!

Wish me luck guys!

You can change the world girl!

31 Days of Self Love Challenge!

I was scrolling my Pinterest and I come across this. 

So I was thinking that hmm maybe I should do this? I mean it looks fun and I never did this kind of thing. I mean I used to come across few of my favourite bloggers did this kind of hmm some sort of a challenge back when I was new to blogging (that was probably 5 to 6 years ago). But then at that point of time, I was not interested and was like mehhh but now I feel like doing it (after so many years yeah I know I'm just random like that). Plus, you know your girl has been so harsh on herself these days for a loooottt of things/reasons hahaha. So I think that I kinda need this, I need to remind myself of who I am and what I can achieve, just basically trying to gain all my confidence and motivation back. 

I don't know whether I can do this challenge like once per day which hahaha the chance is super super low. In fact, I might stop halfway lol but I'll try okay. I'll give a fair shot. So yeah do not expect that you're going to see me updating my blog everyday because hmm I won't! But if I have time, I'll try to finish all the 31 days challenge by the end of this year. Year? Yes, year hahahahaha. Hey that actually quite an accompolishment okay considering the fact that I'm quite busy these days and update for like what? Once per month? 31 entries are quite impressive okay plus I might be updating about my everyday life as well. 

Okay lah, I think that's all. My plan was just to introduce for like 5 to 10 sentences jer. What the heck 2 paragraphs Liyana? 

All right, bye.

Have a nice day everyone !

Love is weird.

Orang selalu tanya aku apa perasaan aku dah tak single sekarang?

Jawapan aku; pelik.

Such a weird feeling. Aku ni dah lama single, dah bertahun tahun dah. Macam tak percaya kan? But to be honest, I've been single through out my degree years and then masa sekolah pun tak pernah couple gak sebab masa tu kononya nak 'focus on my studies' konon laaa. Tapi tu lah masa asasi ter-couple (is this even a word?), I was in a relationship for like less than a year la with this one guy. I don't think I love him anymore but well I used to (tak boleh nak tipu dah come on). We're still friends now and I wish him nothing but the best. Aku terfikir kalau la masa tu aku tak couple ngan sesape memang like wowww aku boleh cipta rekod la as one of the manusia yang stay single.

Jadi disebabkan aku tak pernah or the right words dah lama takde boyfriend, now I feel weird. Macam eh tetiba I have another person I care about. Eh tetiba ada sorang lagi yang I get to share my happiness (and sadness) as well. Eh another ear to listen to me ranting about my problems. I always always love my family, they can never be replaced. And now I have Firdaus, he feels like a family too. 

Aku jugak rasa yang love makes me do things I never thought of doing before. Like suddenly you get jealous, suddenly you get clingy, suddenly you feel like marah him for unnecessary stuffs, suddenly you guys fight for small stuffs. Aku mana ada perangai macam tu. If korang kenal aku, and my friends always said I lah manusia yang takde perasaan tau. I never get jealous. I am not clingy at all, I never text people first okay! I don't know about the marah part but I bukan lah seorang pemarah jugak (I think so). Now hmmm feel like I'm being the total opposite of who I am.

Macam minggu ni selang sehari aku gaduh and/or merajuk dengan Firdaus. Hari ni okay, esok tak okay, lusa okay then next day tak okay balik. Eh eh eh. Rasa macam ntah pape jer. Masalahnya kitorang kalau gaduh kejap jer like few hours. Then say sorry semua then okay balik jer sebab ntah la I think we both jenis yang matured tak suka gaduh lama lama, sebab masalah nya bukan besar pun. Bukannya kitorang ada orang ketiga ke apa (kalau bab cheating this one I memang cannot tolerate at all kbye) And I pulak jenis yang believe that everything can be discuss nicely, properly and professionally. 

Tapi tu lah walaupun kitorang this week gaduh/merajuk hari-hari, I still love him (and I know he loves me too hahahaha). Weird isn't it? 

"Kite tak nak kawan dengan awak lepas ni"
"Alaa kawan la ngan kite"
"Okay la kite kawan"
 
Nope that's not Liyana.
That's another side of me, I called her 'Loveyana'.

Ewww. What happened to you girl?

"Allah ada dalam sangkaan hambaNya"

Hari tu (hari Rabu minggu lepas to be exact), aku dah buntu sangat sangat dah. The thing about me is I don't feel like working in my current firm anymore. Since daripada habis chambering hari tu 15.09.2018 (first day of raya) until la now, I currently stay at my current firm. They offer to retain me, actually they start offering masa bulan ke 3 macam tu dah. Tapi dulu masa tu tak habis lagi chambering so boleh bagi macam macam alasan "tengok lah dulu, I haven't think about it yet" or "its a long way to go, I haven't decide what I'm going to do after this". 

And then hari tu sebab tarikh aku habis chambering tu time first day raya so aku ambik like quite some time la before I actually file all my borang 6, notis perbicaraan and other stuffs. Yelah sebab dah cuti raya pun dah seminggu pastu balik KL banyak pulak benda kena settle before I can actually file my papers. So on 02.07.2018 baru dapat file all my papers. 

Masa lepas aku balik raya, master aku tanya "Liyana are you going to stay?" Aku tak sempat jawab lagi dia dah cakap "I hope you stay and continue working here", aku pun rasa bersalah la. Tu tak masuk senior partner aku duk call aku suruh aku stay, we know your potential other firms might not know yet yedda yedda which aku rasa bersyukur they offer me to retain me. Bersyukur sangat sangat ramai kot kawan kawan aku yang firm diorang tak offer nak retain. Tapi tu lah deep inside aku ni memang tak tahan dah. Aku pun tak tau apa yang aku tak tahan, aku tak tahan dah jadi lawyer ke aku tak tahan dah ke stay kat firm ni ke apa? And then pasal nak stay ke tak tu end up someway somehow semua orang assume aku nak stay which actually at that time I don't mind staying pun sekejap. Dalam hati aku, aku fikir "takpelah kau stay je lah Liyana sekejap" sebab yelah banyak lagi tak settle masa tu.

Then in the mean time, aku ada la apply kerja sikit sikit kat firm lain. Ada satu firm aku pergi interview and dapat tapi kata hati aku kuat mengatakan yang aku tak sesuai firm tu. So aku terpaksa tolak sebab of course I don't want to masuk to a worse firm kan. And then aku ada pergi lagi satu interview, firm dia aku suka dah. Suka gila la. Interviewer aku tu pun baik tapi tu lah takde rezeki kot. Aku pun faham walaupun dia cakap dia suka aku, the fact yang I haven't called to be bar yet and I have no practising certificate make things difficult for firms to actually hire me. I can totally relate. If there's two candidates which are equally good but then candidate A got no practising license yet of course I'm going to take the other one; with a valid practising certificate. Aku pun faham the urgency of the firm to find someone yang can fill in the gap right away.

After second interview aku gi tu and tak dapat, aku dah macam tak semangat and the right word is 'lose hope' nak cari kerja. Aku sampai fikir memang dah nasib aku kot kena stay kat firm sekarang ni sampai tua. Firm sekarang ni hmm overall okay tapi ada certain things yang aku tak sesuai thats why aku nak keluar. Pastu aku macam depressed tau sebab aku apply like banyak gila firms; aku hantar resume kat banyak gila firms and then satu pun tak panggil interview. Which I know is because aku takde pc lagi and tak long call lagi. Tapi still aku macam depressed la. Moody pun ada gak. Kau imagine la dengan takde mood nak kerjanya, ya ampunn.

Then hari Rabu hari tu something jadi kat office aku macam ada issue la sikit. After what happened lagi la aku rasa aku takleh nak kerja dah kat sini. Sampai aku cerita kat Firdaus sampai nangis nangis, aku cakap aku dah tak tahan dah semua. Tapi at the same time aku macam sedih sebab aku rasa macam dah takde positivity dah dalam diri aku, aku dah macam tak percaya yang aku akan dapat kerja lain. Like everything in me is so messed up already, I see no hope for my future. Masa tu aku memang cakap kat Firdaus aku nak berhenti walaupun actually decision nak berhenti tu actually susah sangat because regardless  aku still kena pay for my rent and my bills anyway. So if tak dapat secure a place yet and berhenti jer memang risky gila. Masa tu aku macam sedih gila sebab aku rasa macam am I that desperate that I have to stay working at a place yang I seriously and honestly tak enjoy as long as I can continue to survive. Masa tu la aku faham maksud desperation and survival tu macam mana.

Masa tu memang aku macam dah tak tau nak buat apa, memang buntu gila weh. Semua orang nasihat aku pun aku still macam tak boleh nak terima because I was so negative. I was like no no I can't.  Aku honestly tak pernah negative macam tu. Most of the time, aku biasanya selalu percaya yang Allah tu ada and dia akan tolong aku kalau aku time susah. Tapi maybe la masa tu macam bodoh sangat, and dengar orang cakap "ahh la tak dapat pc susah kerja" and campur dengan masalah dekat current firm and plus with the rasa dalam hati membuak buak nak berhenti kerja, I macam jadi ntah la. Macam lupa yang Allah tu pemberi rezeki. And lama gila Firdaus advise aku dia cakap you jangan mind block diri you, you kena percaya yang Allah dah tetapkan rezeki you actually, akan ada peluang pekerjaan tu. Thats when he tell me about the above title "Allah ada dalam sangkaan hambanya" meaning if you percaya that you're going to be successful insyaAllah Allah akan support your plan. And kalau you keep rasa "aku memang fail, aku takleh buat bla bla bla" you're going to fail because Allah tu ada based on apa yang hamba dia nak and trust in. Lebih kurang gitu la. 

Tapi what he said actually panjang gila and actually motivating sangat sangat and that makes me macam istigfar la. How can I didn't trust my own God? When he's the one who creates me? And he clearly says if you want something, I should ask from Him. How can I forget that Allah is Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim? Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. He will murahkan us with rezeki if we ask and belive in Him. And if He doesn't grant what we want, doesn't mean yang Dia tak sayangkan hambaNya or Dia nak tengok kita hidup dalam kesusahan and unhappy, maybe that's the best for us tapi kita tak tahu. Sedangkan Allah tahu. He knows everything.

Malam tu aku sedih gila, aku macam mintak ampun kat Allah sebab rasa macam diri ni dah lupa kat Pencipta sendiri. Padahal kite ni takde apa apa pun kalau bukan sebab Allah yang menciptakan kita hmm.

So begitu lah cerita dia how I come across the meaningful words tu. For now, I still tak dapat secure a place in other place yet tapi I percaya rezeki Allah tu luas and dia ada tetapkan a better place for me. I just have to keep praying and trust His decisions because He's the best planner for all of us.

Anyone yang come across this post of mine, please pray for me. Please make dua that I get offer at better firm pleaseeee. Thanks :)

ps: Dah lama gila tak menulis dalam bahasa malaysia ni. Tapi okay jer kan? 

“Aku bertindak menurut sangkaan hambaKu kepadaKu. Aku bersamanya apabila dia mengingatiKu. Jika mereka mengingatiKu dalam dirinya, nescaya Aku menyebutnya dalam diriKu. Apabila mereka menyebut namaKu dalam kumpulan nescaya Aku menyebutnya dalam kumpulan yang lebih baik daripada mereka.”

(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim)