Blessing

Guess what?

I'm pregnant!

Actually, at this point, I can say that I'm "heavily" pregnant 😂 

I'm 32 weeks pregnant now. 

Honestly sometimes I still can't believe that I'm pregnant. I know that everyone's journey is different. Some are blessed with being pregnant right after they got married or when they wanted to, but mine is a bit of an effort. We finally got pregnant after 1 year and 10 months of marriage which honestly doesn't felt like a long time now (especially compared to couples who went through longer years of ttc) but while going through the journey itself, it felt like a very long time.   

Looking back, I realize that some of the pressure to have kids did not come from within, but mostly from the pressure from our environment such as our elderly, our family, our friends and etc. I know that most of them meant well when they asked "when are you going to have a baby?" or "when is your turn?" but I have to admit, sometimes I felt a huge pressure whenever I'm being bombarded with such questions. 

At one time, I swear I couldn't think about anything else besides pregnancy and how much I wanted a baby. I lose interest in everything except getting pregnant and I became that woman who felt like she hasn't accomplished anything in life just because I'm not pregnant.

I remember crying to my husband and worrying about not being able to conceive and my never ending what-ifs - what if I can't get pregnant will he still loves me? what if I'm not pregnant by next year I'm going to be 30 years old already? what if we don't have any kids what is going to happen to us? 

Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah for blessing me with such a kind and loving husband who always assure me that everything will work out, we will be pregnant and we will become parents one day. 

"When the time is right, Allah will bless us with kids and we will have the opportunity to become parents". 

My husband always say "When the time is right" or "One day, when Allah believes that we are ready" then we will be parents. Sometimes I wonder how can he be so positive while I'm on the other hand, almost tearing myself apart for this.

On 25/6/2023, I realised I was few days late from my period and decided to get a pregnancy test, at first it was quite blur and I remember doubting whether is it positive or negative. Then I kept testing (almost everyday) and  I guess the rest is all history hahahaha. 

I understand the pain of trying to conceive and the struggle with infertility. 

My heart goes to all women and couples who are trying to conceive, may God bless everyone with healthy babies insyaAllah. Do not lose hope and one day your baby, the one that today may seem so far away from existence, will be old enough to hear their story. Hear that they were so wished for and so wanted. That we prayed every day and night for them to join our family. InsyaAllah. 

Have faith, one day you'll be staring at the blessing you always dream about. 

Baby, you're probably around 6 weeks old at this time in mummy's tummy. This is our first picture together. We were so excited when we went for scanning and we can see you so smoll inside me. 

That life

You know sometimes when you're negative, you feel like you have wasted huge chunks of your life doing mundane things and you haven't achieve much? I felt that sometimes.

Some days, I felt like for a 29 year old, I haven't done anything that I'm proud of, ones I can share with my grandchildren when I'm old and grey. Then I thought to myself "did we really not achieve anything in this life?", "did we really live a boring life so far?". 

The thing is, I kinda love my current mundane slow life. The problem is I used to love being busy hectic 24/7 until I get older and I realize when I move too fast, I actually have more regrets than I thought like how I didn't realize that my mum is getting older because I spent most of my time working and making a career for myself. I wished I would have slowed down a bit then maybe I can enjoy my life more, the people around me more. Maybe because I used to feel like oh by 25 years old, I need to do this, I need to do that, oh I want this, I want that. You know all the unrealistic expectations that I. Don't get me wrong, it's good to be ambitious, to hustle and to want more and more, it makes me work hard. Even till this day, I still feel ambitious and the need to work hard because I still have dreams and things that I want to achieve.

However, as I get older, I realize that there is really no such thing as timeline. There is no rules that you have to have a stable job by 25 or you need to at least own a house by 30. No such thing. The idea that you have to achieve this and that by for example before you're 30 is just a play or an illusion, or maybe an idea taught to us since we are small. No one is in competition with you, in fact the only competition you have is the one with your heads, the ones that you set for yourself. I also realize that a lot of people that I adore or look up to, didn't even achieve what they currently have by rushing into things or work their ass off like there's no tomorrow. Most of them achieve what they have with perseverance and hard work. 

"Slow down" - that's what they told me.

Slow down, be calm and look around you. Sometimes we missed a lot of things because we are too focus on moving things  too quickly.

I love my life. The life where I have a stable job, I have a husband who loves me, our little house, I get to eat what I want, the life where I have time to pursue my studies and improve my knowledge, the life where I can still watch my Netflix at night and the life where I get to sit on our couch in the evening while watching the sun sets in between our curtain. 

That's the life I love, my happy life.

Brave face

“Be brave” - the one thing I’d always tell myself.

I had always considered myself a fighter.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not scared or I’m not afraid of something. It means “yeah we’re scared, but we’re still going to do it anyway”.

Some people thought that I had an easy life. Maybe I’m just better at pretending and hiding stuffs. They thought oh I was smart and did well in school then like clouds and rainbows, I got to follow my dream to study law and then I graduated and become a lawyer. 

The truth is people don’t see your struggles. They don’t even want to know about it.

Honestly, I always work hard. You know sometimes we have friends who didn’t have to study even a page but still do freaking well in school? Or that friend who doesn’t bother to study because somehow they’re going to inherit the family’s business? Well, I was never that friend. Whatever I achieved today is based on nothing but preserverance and hard works. I put in the work, I hustle. To put it simply, I WORK MY FREAKING ASS OFF.

You see, my mum is a teacher and most of my aunties and uncles are mostly either teachers or government servants. So imagine I was 13 and I was parading around telling people I want to become a lawyer. People practically laughed and brush it off.

I don’t blame them.  I was just a girl from this small district Bachok, Kelantan who studies in some kampung school. Back then, there was no senior from my school who went to study law (or none that I know). So when people hear the word “lawyer” from me - it felt too far fetched.

Growing up, I  was the rock of the family. I always have this huge responsibilities to my parents and my sisters so there’s always this pressure; the pressure to do well. As a family, we had our own struggles. Of course we didn’t tell people our problems and we kept everything behind close door, but there were tough days. 

Well my dad was never really in the picture while my mum (bless her) was the one working very hard to make ends meets for us. She was going through a lot on her own, so  I can never add more unnecessary burdens on her. My sisters are all younger than me and growing up, they relied on me a lot. 

So when it comes to backing myself or fighting for myself, I had to do that on my own. 

Looking back at my childhood-teenage days, I don’t know why but I always get teary eyes. Even while typing this, I get sad and feel like crying. There’s this part inside of me that idk hurts? I guess that’s why every  time I see someone struggling, I feel the need to help them and whenever I can’t, I will feel disappointed with myself.

Is this what we called childhood trauma? Idk.

Whatever it worth, my life is a lot better now. Everyday I thank Allah for all the blessings. I have a job that I like, I have a husband who’s so loving and kind to me, I have a house to live in, my sisters are all doing so well Alhamdulillah, my mum finally doesn’t have to work her bones off anymore and can finally be with a man who is kind and loves her. All these beautiful gifts that sometimes we tend to ignore and forget.

For years, I’ve been in a battle on my own. It has been lonely and scary.
Until one day, I realised that hey I’m okay now. I have my husband. He’s my knight and he fights for me and for our family now. For once, I can sleep peacefully,  with less worry. 

Thank you my husband for always telling me this “Sayang, I ada. I’m with you. You’re not alone, we can do this together”.

Thank you Allah.