I'm a mum now!

Dear diary (or should we call it blog?),

A lot has happened in the span of almost two years since the last time I wrote here. The thought of coming back to write about what I was feeling and everything that had happened always crossed my mind — but somehow, I let it go. I kept telling myself, “Not now, maybe next time,” and then… two years passed just like that.

Then suddenly, the thought came again. And this time, I stopped making excuses and said, “It’s time to visit our old friend.”

So here I am.

First of all, I’m a mum now.

Crazy, isn’t it? No matter what or how I say it, the idea that I’m now a mum to a toddler (not even a baby anymore!) feels kind of… illogical? Surreal? Honestly, it feels like just last week I graduated from law school, then just yesterday I got married and now I’m a mum? Wow.

Irene is 1 year and 8 months old now. She was born on 18 February 2024, just 10 days before Hilmi’s birthday. We have this ongoing joke where he says I should’ve waited another 10 days so they could share the same birthday. But I don’t think he realizes that if Irene did share his birthday, he’d probably be overshadowed by her every single year. 😆

Plus, does he really think I could’ve waited another 10 days? At that point, I was so heavily pregnant that the only thing I was looking forward to was getting her out of me hahahaha.

Now, how do I even describe Irene? She’s kind, strong-willed, opinionated, physically and mentally strong, super smart, super friendly, and she has this manja side, especially with people she’s close to. Basically, everything I ever wanted in a daughter — she is all of that.

It’s funny how when I describe Irene, I end up talking about her personality more than her looks. Of course, she’s beautiful, pretty and cute, but her characters outshines everything else. You know how sometimes you see someone and think, “Aww, she’s pretty,” but that’s it? Irene isn’t like that. She’s more than just a pretty face. She’s independent, kind, and full of personality and all of that makes her beautiful in every sense of the word.

People’s first impression of Irene is usually, “Aww comelnya dia,” and then two seconds later, “Oh buas eh dia ni?” or “Kuatnya dia ni!” hahaha see? More than just her looks.

But jokes aside, I don’t really know how to explain how special Irene is. Maybe it’s because she’s my daughter, so I’m a biased mother but one thing’s for sure, my love for her is out of this world.

Before I had Irene, I never thought I could love anyone more than myself. Turns out, I can. I love her so much, maybe even more than I love myself...which I’m still figuring out whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 😅

I’ll admit, raising her (or any kid, really) can be tough sometimes. But I’m lucky that I have a supportive and helpful husband by my side. I honestly can’t imagine doing this alone without Hilmi.

Hilmi is, well, the same old kind and loving husband he’s always been. He’s my safe place and my go-to person for everything. If I start writing about how amazing he is, this post will never end (and I’ll cry), so that’s a story for another time.

Sometimes I look at the two of them and wonder how I got so lucky in life.

I always tell Irene that she’s lucky to have Hilmi as her daddy because not everyone gets to have that kind of father.

I didn’t. (But it’s okay.)

That’s why I used to tell myself that if I ever had kids of my own, I’d make sure they’d never go through what I did. That’s also why I was picky when it came to choosing a partner. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but back when I was single and guys approached me, I always looked deeper than what they showed on the surface. Because I didn’t just want a good husband, wanted a great father for my future kids.

And I guess… I did a pretty good job choosing Hilmi. ❤️

Growing up in a “broken family” (I still hate that word), I have my traumas. I’m not sure at this point, if I’d call it childhood trauma or just...life, but I know there are unresolved parts of me as in the unfinished issues, unhealed wounds. That’s a story for another time.

For now, my main goal is simple: I don’t want to pass that pain on to my child or into my family. I want Irene to grow up in a healthy and happy environment, something every child deserves, at the very least.

But I just have to put it out there, I’m still healing, still dealing with most of it. The feeling of abandonment. The over-independence. The perfectionism. The unstoppable, never-ending self-pressure. The stress. The feeling of never being enough. The unnecessary self-blame. The unstable emotions.

All of that came from what I went through.

I’m trying to fix myself now, and I do think I’ve been making progress. Maybe one day, when I have the courage, I’ll write about it. But not today. Even just thinking about what I went through makes my eyes teary. Hahaha.

What is this, isn’t this supposed to be a happy post? 😅

Okay, happy emotions only.

Irene.

If I start writing about Irene and all her witty syenanigans, I’ll never stop. But unfortunately, I have to stop now — mum calls.

Oh, before I forget. I just want to say that now, being a mum, I often have this tiny wave of sadness. Not the big, heavy kind,  just this small, overwhelming ache I can’t quite explain. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and blessed to have Irene and Hilmi, with their drama, laughter, and never-ending energy. But sometimes, I feel sad knowing that my baby is no longer a baby. And one day, when she grows up, she won’t need me as much as she does now.

And maybe it’s also because I see my always-happy, always-positive husband getting older too and I know that someday, all of this will just be memories. Sad, isn’t it?

Whatever it is, I pray to Allah please shower my family with endless love, good health, and happiness. Protect us from things we cannot see, from sadness we cannot explain, and from tests that are too heavy to bear. 

Let our home always be filled with laughter, peace, and warmth. 

And may I always be reminded to cherish every little moment, no matter how ordinary it may seem, because one day, I’ll miss even this, the chatters, the chaos, the noise, the mess, all of it.

Haihh, so much love. 

Okay, I really have to stop now. Next time, I promise I’ll write more. Please pray that my next post won’t be when Irene is five years old, okay? Hahahahaha.

Have a good day. ❤️

Blessing

Guess what?

I'm pregnant!

Actually, at this point, I can say that I'm "heavily" pregnant 😂 

I'm 32 weeks pregnant now. 

Honestly sometimes I still can't believe that I'm pregnant. I know that everyone's journey is different. Some are blessed with being pregnant right after they got married or when they wanted to, but mine is a bit of an effort. We finally got pregnant after 1 year and 10 months of marriage which honestly doesn't felt like a long time now (especially compared to couples who went through longer years of ttc) but while going through the journey itself, it felt like a very long time.   

Looking back, I realize that some of the pressure to have kids did not come from within, but mostly from the pressure from our environment such as our elderly, our family, our friends and etc. I know that most of them meant well when they asked "when are you going to have a baby?" or "when is your turn?" but I have to admit, sometimes I felt a huge pressure whenever I'm being bombarded with such questions. 

At one time, I swear I couldn't think about anything else besides pregnancy and how much I wanted a baby. I lose interest in everything except getting pregnant and I became that woman who felt like she hasn't accomplished anything in life just because I'm not pregnant.

I remember crying to my husband and worrying about not being able to conceive and my never ending what-ifs - what if I can't get pregnant will he still loves me? what if I'm not pregnant by next year I'm going to be 30 years old already? what if we don't have any kids what is going to happen to us? 

Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah for blessing me with such a kind and loving husband who always assure me that everything will work out, we will be pregnant and we will become parents one day. 

"When the time is right, Allah will bless us with kids and we will have the opportunity to become parents". 

My husband always say "When the time is right" or "One day, when Allah believes that we are ready" then we will be parents. Sometimes I wonder how can he be so positive while I'm on the other hand, almost tearing myself apart for this.

On 25/6/2023, I realised I was few days late from my period and decided to get a pregnancy test, at first it was quite blur and I remember doubting whether is it positive or negative. Then I kept testing (almost everyday) and  I guess the rest is all history hahahaha. 

I understand the pain of trying to conceive and the struggle with infertility. 

My heart goes to all women and couples who are trying to conceive, may God bless everyone with healthy babies insyaAllah. Do not lose hope and one day your baby, the one that today may seem so far away from existence, will be old enough to hear their story. Hear that they were so wished for and so wanted. That we prayed every day and night for them to join our family. InsyaAllah. 

Have faith, one day you'll be staring at the blessing you always dream about. 

Baby, you're probably around 6 weeks old at this time in mummy's tummy. This is our first picture together. We were so excited when we went for scanning and we can see you so smoll inside me. 

That life

You know sometimes when you're negative, you feel like you have wasted huge chunks of your life doing mundane things and you haven't achieve much? I felt that sometimes.

Some days, I felt like for a 29 year old, I haven't done anything that I'm proud of, ones I can share with my grandchildren when I'm old and grey. Then I thought to myself "did we really not achieve anything in this life?", "did we really live a boring life so far?". 

The thing is, I kinda love my current mundane slow life. The problem is I used to love being busy hectic 24/7 until I get older and I realize when I move too fast, I actually have more regrets than I thought like how I didn't realize that my mum is getting older because I spent most of my time working and making a career for myself. I wished I would have slowed down a bit then maybe I can enjoy my life more, the people around me more. Maybe because I used to feel like oh by 25 years old, I need to do this, I need to do that, oh I want this, I want that. You know all the unrealistic expectations that I. Don't get me wrong, it's good to be ambitious, to hustle and to want more and more, it makes me work hard. Even till this day, I still feel ambitious and the need to work hard because I still have dreams and things that I want to achieve.

However, as I get older, I realize that there is really no such thing as timeline. There is no rules that you have to have a stable job by 25 or you need to at least own a house by 30. No such thing. The idea that you have to achieve this and that by for example before you're 30 is just a play or an illusion, or maybe an idea taught to us since we are small. No one is in competition with you, in fact the only competition you have is the one with your heads, the ones that you set for yourself. I also realize that a lot of people that I adore or look up to, didn't even achieve what they currently have by rushing into things or work their ass off like there's no tomorrow. Most of them achieve what they have with perseverance and hard work. 

"Slow down" - that's what they told me.

Slow down, be calm and look around you. Sometimes we missed a lot of things because we are too focus on moving things  too quickly.

I love my life. The life where I have a stable job, I have a husband who loves me, our little house, I get to eat what I want, the life where I have time to pursue my studies and improve my knowledge, the life where I can still watch my Netflix at night and the life where I get to sit on our couch in the evening while watching the sun sets in between our curtain. 

That's the life I love, my happy life.