I'm a mum now!

Dear diary (or should we call it blog?),

A lot has happened in the span of almost two years since the last time I wrote here. The thought of coming back to write about what I was feeling and everything that had happened always crossed my mind — but somehow, I let it go. I kept telling myself, “Not now, maybe next time,” and then… two years passed just like that.

Then suddenly, the thought came again. And this time, I stopped making excuses and said, “It’s time to visit our old friend.”

So here I am.

First of all, I’m a mum now.

Crazy, isn’t it? No matter what or how I say it, the idea that I’m now a mum to a toddler (not even a baby anymore!) feels kind of… illogical? Surreal? Honestly, it feels like just last week I graduated from law school, then just yesterday I got married and now I’m a mum? Wow.

Irene is 1 year and 8 months old now. She was born on 18 February 2024, just 10 days before Hilmi’s birthday. We have this ongoing joke where he says I should’ve waited another 10 days so they could share the same birthday. But I don’t think he realizes that if Irene did share his birthday, he’d probably be overshadowed by her every single year. 😆

Plus, does he really think I could’ve waited another 10 days? At that point, I was so heavily pregnant that the only thing I was looking forward to was getting her out of me hahahaha.

Now, how do I even describe Irene? She’s kind, strong-willed, opinionated, physically and mentally strong, super smart, super friendly, and she has this manja side, especially with people she’s close to. Basically, everything I ever wanted in a daughter — she is all of that.

It’s funny how when I describe Irene, I end up talking about her personality more than her looks. Of course, she’s beautiful, pretty and cute, but her characters outshines everything else. You know how sometimes you see someone and think, “Aww, she’s pretty,” but that’s it? Irene isn’t like that. She’s more than just a pretty face. She’s independent, kind, and full of personality and all of that makes her beautiful in every sense of the word.

People’s first impression of Irene is usually, “Aww comelnya dia,” and then two seconds later, “Oh buas eh dia ni?” or “Kuatnya dia ni!” hahaha see? More than just her looks.

But jokes aside, I don’t really know how to explain how special Irene is. Maybe it’s because she’s my daughter, so I’m a biased mother but one thing’s for sure, my love for her is out of this world.

Before I had Irene, I never thought I could love anyone more than myself. Turns out, I can. I love her so much, maybe even more than I love myself...which I’m still figuring out whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 😅

I’ll admit, raising her (or any kid, really) can be tough sometimes. But I’m lucky that I have a supportive and helpful husband by my side. I honestly can’t imagine doing this alone without Hilmi.

Hilmi is, well, the same old kind and loving husband he’s always been. He’s my safe place and my go-to person for everything. If I start writing about how amazing he is, this post will never end (and I’ll cry), so that’s a story for another time.

Sometimes I look at the two of them and wonder how I got so lucky in life.

I always tell Irene that she’s lucky to have Hilmi as her daddy because not everyone gets to have that kind of father.

I didn’t. (But it’s okay.)

That’s why I used to tell myself that if I ever had kids of my own, I’d make sure they’d never go through what I did. That’s also why I was picky when it came to choosing a partner. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but back when I was single and guys approached me, I always looked deeper than what they showed on the surface. Because I didn’t just want a good husband, wanted a great father for my future kids.

And I guess… I did a pretty good job choosing Hilmi. ❤️

Growing up in a “broken family” (I still hate that word), I have my traumas. I’m not sure at this point, if I’d call it childhood trauma or just...life, but I know there are unresolved parts of me as in the unfinished issues, unhealed wounds. That’s a story for another time.

For now, my main goal is simple: I don’t want to pass that pain on to my child or into my family. I want Irene to grow up in a healthy and happy environment, something every child deserves, at the very least.

But I just have to put it out there, I’m still healing, still dealing with most of it. The feeling of abandonment. The over-independence. The perfectionism. The unstoppable, never-ending self-pressure. The stress. The feeling of never being enough. The unnecessary self-blame. The unstable emotions.

All of that came from what I went through.

I’m trying to fix myself now, and I do think I’ve been making progress. Maybe one day, when I have the courage, I’ll write about it. But not today. Even just thinking about what I went through makes my eyes teary. Hahaha.

What is this, isn’t this supposed to be a happy post? 😅

Okay, happy emotions only.

Irene.

If I start writing about Irene and all her witty syenanigans, I’ll never stop. But unfortunately, I have to stop now — mum calls.

Oh, before I forget. I just want to say that now, being a mum, I often have this tiny wave of sadness. Not the big, heavy kind,  just this small, overwhelming ache I can’t quite explain. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and blessed to have Irene and Hilmi, with their drama, laughter, and never-ending energy. But sometimes, I feel sad knowing that my baby is no longer a baby. And one day, when she grows up, she won’t need me as much as she does now.

And maybe it’s also because I see my always-happy, always-positive husband getting older too and I know that someday, all of this will just be memories. Sad, isn’t it?

Whatever it is, I pray to Allah please shower my family with endless love, good health, and happiness. Protect us from things we cannot see, from sadness we cannot explain, and from tests that are too heavy to bear. 

Let our home always be filled with laughter, peace, and warmth. 

And may I always be reminded to cherish every little moment, no matter how ordinary it may seem, because one day, I’ll miss even this, the chatters, the chaos, the noise, the mess, all of it.

Haihh, so much love. 

Okay, I really have to stop now. Next time, I promise I’ll write more. Please pray that my next post won’t be when Irene is five years old, okay? Hahahahaha.

Have a good day. ❤️