I have so many things going on in my head, yet I can't find the right words to express them out. That's the problem with writing and expressing yourself, you have to do it often. That's how you get better. If not you'll get rusty, and I know it well it is never good to pent things up inside. The best way to be less stressed with life, or deal with difficult moments is to be open, express your hurt or happiness. You can write, you can talk about it, you can draw or anything as long as that makes you feel better.
Honestly I missed those era where I can just write about everything and anything that bothered me without thinking about the consequences. Consequences in what way? I think probably because I'm already 22 years old, I'm an adult I'd adopt some sort of fear. I personally did fear the fact that people might get hurt based on my words but at the same time I did feel like its not fair because they are supposed to feel so because what they'd did to me wasn't easy for me to comprehend either. Do you get it? Hahahaha. It's not fair for me to always think about others, to put other people before me but when it comes to the same situation, people always put their pride or ego first. Personally, still dealing with this issue and still can't find the right solution.
I'm not that afraid of being judged (we live in a judging society anyway) but I'm afraid that my words hurt people. That basically why I keep this blog in private. I just want to have a space where I can freely express myself, but at the same time I want to be honest with myself and the world. Am I demanding for a moon? Lol.
I started my old blog when I was in high school, and those were the moments that I treasured the most. Back then right after I finish my everyday school routine, I'll be sitting at the table writing about how my day was. Either it's great or horrible, I just didn't care much. There used to be days I feel extremely happy about something and these days I'm glad I recorded them (either in my blog or diary) because even if I did read those now, I can still feel the happiness and excitement like "Aah when I was 15 even being praised by the boy I'd crush in meant a lot" and things like that. Plus I can feel the pureness and innocence of a 15 year old girl everything I read those posts. Somehow makes me feel young, and hmm just happy. Good old days.
Same goes for bad days, if I came across something that ruined my mood, I'll definitely make sure that I wrote them down. Now at the age of 22 years old, I practically found myself I guess some sort of 'healed' from those bitterness. Maybe if I didn't express myself in the right way I might carry the burden until today like"Oh I hate that teacher who said I'm not good enough compared with other kids". Today probably because that happened so many years back, I can look at that in a more positive manner. Maybe she didn't mean it that way, maybe it was just a slip of the tongue, maybe I was really lacking compared with others back then and thank god I'm improved (hopefully). Experiences (good or bad) help us to improve ourselves. Imagine if we'd never being in stress, conflicts and problems well I kind of doubt I will make it this far. So, for all the bad experiences, problems and traumas I'd faced, I don't know what is the right words or the right way to express it, I guess I'm just thankful. At least I'm becoming a better Liyana.
When you're given something, you didn't know it was a gift. Only after years you'd finally discover the truth. My God didn't test me for something I can't bear. Alhamdulillah.
I do have plan to un-private this blog. But still thinking about it. One of my friends advised me to public this blog because she wants others to read it.
"Let them know their mistakes, maybe they can learn. See whether they can rationalize the problem or not. Why are you afraid of hurting them? If they're hurt, that's their problems. They did the same to you, and even if they get hurt, it's still a fair play for both parties. But if they're really true people in your life, they'll reflect themselves. As much as you should be. That's how people learn".
"The thing about us, we are quick to forgive our acts. Yet we are very judgmental about others".
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