Dealing with your parents' divorce

I think only few of us talk about what it's like to grow up with divorced parents. Some might refer to it as 'broken family' but personally I don't prefer that term. Just because your parents are separated, that doesn't mean your whole life has comes to an end, or your whole family institution had shuttered down. Sometimes, the fact that your parents decided to lead their own different life might be a positive change to the whole family.

I was kind of reluctant to talk or write about this topic at the every beginning because as a child from separated parents, I wasn't sure how and what to write. I'm not sure whether my words are going to comfort, heal people or is it going to give more damages  but I thought the best thing I could do is to at least share my experience. They say, an untold story never heals. Thus, I would like to take this opportunity to totally clear my mind, clarify some facts and you know just let things go. 

The thing is we have increasing number of divorce cases everyday yet we still find the word 'divorce' as a total taboo that everyone wanted to avoid. Something need to be done not only to prevent it to happen but also to provide methods or solutions when it occurs. In most cases when divorce happened, I find that the real issue is not between two struggling adults who obviously can't stand each other anymore for whatever reasons it might be, but the real one is on the children (if they have any).  The children are the one to be affected the most, they are going to experience a total change of living, they have to deal with the world that perceives 'if your parents are separated you are a total failure' kind of thinking and etc. 

So my parents were separated when I was in high school. Honestly, none of my school friends knew about it until high school ended where I decided to tell some of my close friends and by now I expected that the fact is known to others as well. I tried to keep it secret, as best as I could because I wasn't ready for people to judge me. Of course at that point of time I was having a really hard time juggling with studies as well as my family problems  and I was basically emotionally unstable, frustrated and stressed most of the time I guess. The fact that I did quite well in high school despite all the struggles were totally blessings from God. I won't make it on my own. I don't know how I did it, but it just happened.

Plus, I am the eldest in my siblings. I have 4 younger sisters, my youngest at that time didn't even started her preschool yet so imagine you're in your puberty but you still have to deal with stuffs that most of your friends aren't experiencing. I didn't have any choice rather than to act strong, to prepare and heal myself. Basically I don't have anyone to talk to. I couldn't discuss it with my mother as she was struggling on her own (even though we're close). I can't really share with my sisters as they are way younger than me, they might not understand the whole idea to begin with. The only thing I did to express myself was to write in my diary about how I actually felt. I always felt  some sort of pressure to portray a happy image. I always thought that as the eldest I have to pull myself together, I'd to restrain myself as best as I could. If  the eldest can't handle it, then what about the others?

Even though my parents had officially separated when I was in high school, they've been struggling I think long time before that. I can't specifically remember when and how it started but I'm sure that life wasn't harmonious way before that. Serious matters like you know divorce they aren't decided in one night. Its not like you woke up this morning and decided that 'oh I want to get a divorce today' or 'this morning I figured out that I didn't love you'. Of course not. There's a lot of factors that contribute to the termination of the relationship and as a daughter I'd always tell myself to respect whatever the decisions and reasons for that. I used to question it like how can two persons who'd live almost 20 years of their life together, finally decided they didn't love each other? I thought true love never fades away, they told me family is the most important asset one can ever have, yet they decided to live separately? I know that I'm not the only one with those questions, anyone in the same situation of mine can definitely  relate with it. 

However as I grew up I discovered that I can't expect everything to be fine. Life isn't a fairy tale and no family is as perfect as the movies make it looks like. My mother and my father have different life, they come from different backgrounds before they met each other and decided to have us. As the child, you might thought that you know everything but it isn't as simple as that. Your father might be a great father to you, but he might be a shitty husband that you didn't know. Your mother might be a great ideal woman but a bad wife. That's why I decided not to judge my parents for their decision, instead I embrace it and try to view it in a more positive perspective. Maybe if they're still together, they won't be as happy as they are right now. I decided not to be selfish, just because I wasn't glad with that, I don't think that it is right for my parents to stay together for us and fake everything out. I want us to be together but, as much as that I still want them to be happy. That's at least I can do as a child, to let them choose what makes them happy.

I think as much as their decision affects us the children, I'm pretty sure that it affects them more. They'd spent their entire life together, to end it must cost them a lot of things. Until this day, I still haven't find the specific answers to all my questions but I figured out one thing, in every relationship there might comes a point where the damage is too much and you can't save it. Thus you have to let it go so that it grows on their own. You might get hurt because of that but maybe if you decide to keep it, the more the damage.  Let go, and just cherish the memories you had. 

There used to be a time where I felt so depressed and unhappy because all I did was focusing on what I didn't have, instead of appreciating of what I have. I thought that my life wasn't good as I don't have a perfect family. I was developing so many insecurities and I kept questioning myself what's wrong, what's the real problems and etc. I didn't realize that I was basically beating myself up, mentally and spiritually. I think few years later after I went to pursue my study I figured out that 'oh I still have a family'. Just because my parents are separated, we are still a family. I still have my sisters, my mother and my father. The fact that we're not living in the same household doesn't change the fact that we are scientifically and biologically related.

Once I entered university life, I discovered that there's no perfect family. Everyone has family issues, their parents might not be separated but they might struggling in other aspects you can't imagine. Thus, do not feel down or sad just because your parents aren't together. You will realize that your life is way better than  most of half of your friends. I found some people whom their parents are still living together but struggled more than what I'd experienced. That's when I feel thankful and blessed. Mine might not live together but honestly my life is way easier as it used to be, and I can tell that most of us are happier than it used to be before the separation. Of course once in a while, I miss the environment where I still have my papa with me, my ummi and all my younger sisters living together but that idea didn't come often.  Probably because I respect the situation and I know that everyone is happy with what we have right now.  I know that you can't turn back time, but you can at least enjoy it. 

If your parents are getting a divorce or had already separated, you might be having a hard time. My advise is do not pressure yourself. I used to think and feel like one of the reasons why they had to resort to such choice was because of me. I thought I wasn't a good daughter like raising me up is hard for my parents to deal with to extend where they have to end the relationship. You might thought your parents don't love you, or you might believe that you had ruin the family and etc. I know because I'd felt all that. If you're feeling the exact same, please don't. You're not at fault, at all.

Trust me it will take some time for you to understand everything. But one day, you will.