Worrying solves nothing

"You are still young. Take it easy".

Sometimes,I forget the fact that I'm still young and its okay not to have everything figured out. Things take time. Honestly, there are so many things going on in my life and as much as I have to juggle everything, I can't stop myself from worrying in case everything that I had planned didn't turn out the way I expected them to be. In short, I overthink. 

In my case, I think there wasn't a single moment in my life where I think I was completely happy. Maybe there is few but I just can't think of one right now. When there's something great happened or I was like laughing, happy and stuffs, there's something inside my heart that keeps telling me to tone it down. Like "Liyana I know you are happy but be careful, you might cry tomorrow darling". Hahaha no I was kidding I never called myself darling, that's so ewww. I usually called myself stupid or crackhead or just 'girl' in general like its okay you got this girl. Sometimes when I did something extremely extremely stupid, I'll be like 'hey crackhead why are you acting like one stupid crazy girl ah? Stop you're embarrassing yourself'.

Still, what I'm trying to say is yeah I am that one girl who's afraid to let herself go, to let everything out just in case something unexpected or bad is going to happen. I used to be the one who gives everything for something or for people but then I discovered that once things messed up, or once people leave, it hurts me so freaking bad. So starting from that moment, I promised to be careful, not to set my expectation high, not to give my everything since we can't predict the future right? People change and leave, things are destroyed, memories fade and I'm not careful I might be left with nothing. I know that I sound so negative but honestly, I'm just being careful. We have to be prepared for "just in case" moments. 

So back to my story, yes I worry about a lot of stuffs. I'm not going to mention or discuss specifically each and every one of them but I think about them a lot. My 'what if's are killing me.   I won't say sampai tak tidur malam semua because takde lah I've been sleeping well jer haha. I keep telling myself to stop worrying, things are going to be just fine and there's so many opportunities for you in this world. They say the sky is the only limit but actually even the sky is not the limit. You set the limit for yourself, if you're willing to do something you can go extra miles for it. Again girl, stop worrying. Things will work their way out one day, maybe not today but one day they will. Everything is just inside our head. We're going to be just fine, with everything we have right now. Trust me.

Hey

7 days passed by and I'm still good.

I passed over the storms and all the hurdles, now my rainbow is waiting on the other side. I'm going for it. I'm not going to look back anymore. Most importantly, I'd learn a very good lesson based on everything that happened, you can be sad you can question anything but in the end everything is going to be perfectly fine. No storms last forever.

Last Sunday when he texted me that one line, I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought I read it wrong. Oh maybe he wanted to send this to somebody else, I said. I won't say I was at my lowest since the day it happened because I really hate the fact that I sound or look weak for a guy who is obviously unworthy of me but all I can say was hmm my heart felt different. But its okay I'm healing now, I'm happy and I'm doing amazing. I'll be just fine. When I give, I'm all in but when I'm done, there's no looking back for me.

In these 7 days gap, so many things happened. So many good things and blessings granted by God. I'm so thankful. I feel stupid for worrying and feeling sad for something I shouldn't. I always believe that God's plan is always perfect, always beautiful. Guess its true.

By the way, I'm going to start my chambering this 14th August. So early right? I know. Baru jer balik rumah now I have to go back to the city again. I was home last Saturday but since that "incident" happened last week, I didn't feel like holiday at all okay. Now, I'm feeling better I guess I have to ensure that I enjoy this week to the fullest. This is going to be my last week of holiday as a student. After this, I'll be working and I believe its going to be another world all together. I'm both nervous and excited with the idea of me working but hey lets be positive about it. Trust yourself and you'll be fine. I know, you'll do great. 

Hopefully :p

Crooked people

Today I'm going to talk about hatred. 

I know tomorrow is raya and I should write something cheerful, positive and you know just good things in general but I think for some reasons I need to clarify on this matter. So few weeks ago, I had this sayat account where you know people are allowed to post anonymous comments on your profile. The idea was to say whatever in your mind, what you think about that person and how you perceived him/her. So for me, I think it's a good medium to express your feelings especially if you feel like you can never talk to that person in real life. This is the chance. I did ask some questions to several people who I adore and their answers were pretty helpful. I asked about their skincare routine, study tips and etc.

So on my sayat, there's few hateful comments about me. I mean I don't mind people expressing their thoughts, how they feel about me and stuffs because that is the purpose of such medium at the first place. Don't get me wrong, I do cherish honest and intellectual talks. I'm okay with people criticizing me because I know that I am not perfect so yes do enlighten me if you think there's something wrong with my attitude or the way I carry myself. I'm all good for honest and constructive opinions. However, what bothers me most is those comments/questions that were aimed to attack me. I'm not this little girl who gets emotional reading hateful comments because I know if people point out something, I shall look within. There might be something wrong with me. I try my very best to stay calm and positive but sometimes I just can't. There's few comments that were too ridiculous and shocking. When I read them I was like "my god what's wrong with these people". That's just how absurd the comments/statements posted. Okay,I get it you can say whatever you want but that doesn't mean you can be rude, right?

But recently, I decided to deactivate my account and the main reason why I did so was when I found people start commenting or attacking on my family. At that time, I was like okay I cannot do this anymore. This is too much. You're not even in my shoes and you didn't went through what we did, do you think you're in a position to say anything? But really it's so sad to see how petty humans can be? And the most scary part is those who posted the hateful comments/statements can be the people around me who act like they're angels when the truth is the opposite. It's a super scary world. How can people be so crooked anyway?

I'm not sure why some people hate me. Probably because they think you don't deserve what you have right now. But honestly I don't get the point, everything I have today didn't come easy. In fact, I fight and have to work my butt off to have them. Everything including my friends, my family, the love I get from everyone and even all the material things I have were obtained with perspiration. After everything that happened, I decided to knock it off, I don't care anymore. You can say whatever you want since its your right but I'm going to ignore all the hate comments. In the end, nothing matters except yourself.

"Do not let their words grieve you"- Surah Yunus: Verse 65


(I wrote this months ago, I'm at the point where I decided to publish all the drafts I have kept. So you might find me posting so many posts in one day, and some of them might seem old or quite sensitive. Sorry)

Time will heal everything

My darling, he's just a boy.

I keep telling myself  "Girl, never let a confused man waste your time or energy". I repeat this over and over like a tender ritual, hoping that I can wash you away from me. But it's sickening and annoying how you crossed my mind every second every minute of the day.  I hate some part of me right now because everything I did reminds me of you, or the thoughts of you.

Why do I find memories of you at one of my favourite eateries? Why do I find you in all the love songs played in my car? Why do all the books I read remind me of you? Why do I see you in all my favourite singers? Why is that everything I do reminds me of you.

I had thoughts like how amazing we can be, I mean we could be extraordinary.

Stop. I keep telling myself to stop thinking of you, but the attachment is strong. You shouldn't be this important, you were only there for few months and I on the other hand have been in charge of my life for 23 years. You shouldn't matter much, you should be nothing. My friends keep telling me to stop torturing myself by thinking of you and how I shouldn't be doing this. Guys I'm not torturing myself. In fact I didn't plan for this, its not that I intentionally think about the guy who ruins my heart. It just happens.

But friends, trust me. Time will heal everything. One day, I'll look at him and feel absolutely nothing.

Again, girl; he's just a boy and most importantly he's just a memory.