Insecurities

"Have you ever question about us?".

"Question about us? Maksud you?"

"Hmmm meaning hmm I don't know like you question whether you're with the right person/not or something like you think that if you're not stuck with me, you might actually get someone better?"

With a dissapointing voice, he said "Why you cakap macam ni? I tak pernah terfikir. Bagi I you dah cukup dah. Kenapa you rasa kalau tak dengan I you can actually get someone better ke?"

My conversation with Firdaus last night.

These past few days, I macam paranoid gila and I really really hate this side of me. The thing is even if I'm like super paranoid and scared, there's nothing much I can do about that. The world will keep moving around and things won't stop just because you want so. Every time I feel like I'm being paranoid, I'll try to talk myself out of it like hey girl stop being so insecure you're just fine, stop overthinking and all bla bla bla, but knowing myself such thing is not easy. If you're like me you can probably relate. I macam hmm I can be a good advisor for other people's problems, but when it comes to myself I can be very much clueless. I forgive people easily for all their mistakes but I'm hard af on myself and the mistakes I did. When it comes to myself, I'll hold grudges against myself forever.

Maybe this is normal, maybe every girl feels the same way I do. I believe everyone at some point in their lives would wakes up in the middle of the night feeling that they are all alone, they have no one else to rely on, they will question everything that ever happens to them, they feel like nobody loves them and nobody will ever love them. I mean these thoughts didn't come across often, but sometimes they did. 

So yeah basically when I'm insecure I overthink about everything including my relationship with Firdaus. And its so easy to be paranoid especially because we're still new to this. Sometimes I wonder whether I have trust issues which I think I do. I mean thanks to all the shitty guys and heartbreaks I went through, I discovered that I need assertions (and consistency), like a lot. So kadang kadang macam me and Firdaus, we were talking about something else and then tiba-tiba I'll ask him "you sayang I kan?" and he will laugh at how random I can be. I don't know I'm just worried that he might leave, just like other guys. 

But don't get me wrong, most of the time I trust Firdaus hahahah I trust him so much that I get worried in case he change.  He's such a nice guy and he always make me feel happy and secure about a lot of things, especially about us. Sometimes I wonder whether I deserve such a lovely and kind guy? I mean I don't know; do I deserve him? Maybe.

But then looking back, I realize that there were few moments in my life yang macam I kenal people and then suddenly they said "I don't think we can be together, you're too good for me". The heck? You don't want someone nice/good, so you want someone bad is it? Is it wrong to be nice, I don't think so. And honestly, why do we treat nice/good people like they're parasite? Like it's wrong to be the nice one, you have to be the bad ones. Sama lah kadang-kadang, I saw my friends yang sooo nice and all, tapi selalu kena left with their partners or being mistreated. Tapi those yang macam tak berapa baik, amboii disayangi pulak. The world is weird, sometimes.

So do I deserve him? I think so. I mean I won't say I am the nicest person on the planet but I think I do have some nice traits (and some evil) in me. Firdaus well he's not perfect as well but I think so far, he's good. And while I'm writing this, I realize that actually the question is not whether I deserve him? I think the question I have in my mind is; whether I deserve to be this happy? These past few months with him really makes me happy. I enjoy his company, and his jokes and his laugh and our endless conversations. Maybe I rasa is it okay to be this happy? Because I don't think I ever be this happy before.

Okay, back to our conversation last night. When I asked him such questions, he was a bit macam shocked and disappointed kot. His voice changed. Honestly I felt so bad for asking such question but I don't know I thought I just wants him to know that I'm still adapting myself to us and there are still days yang I get insecure about us. But Fidaus, he's so calm and advise me not to be so negative. Panjang lebar he explains everything, and I don't know why but I feel so secure la with him. Macam he put all my insecurities away. And I'm so thankful for that.
 

" If you feel happy please don't push it away. You deserve to be happy, even if you're not used to it".