An ending to a new beginning !

So, something happened.

Hmm apparently, there will be no longer 'us' when it comes to me and Firdaus after this. 

If I'm being honest, even until this moment, I really really don't know how to write about this breakup thingy, it's not my forte. It's not a happy positive issue/topic that you know you can just write whatever you want to. The issue is way bigger than it looks, especially this involves other people and whether I like it or not, people have different views and opinions about things. 

So I delayed writing about this for so long because hmm I don't know, should I be honest about what really happened? or should I just go as short as I can? or should I write about how I actually feel? I'm seriously not sure. But I figured out that I can't keep ignoring or delaying this anymore. One day, I still have to do it. It's not fair for me to keep avoiding this and leave things hanging, it's not fair for him because I understand that he wants to live his own life and maybe it's not fair for other people (or he just don't care idk), those who knew about our relationship and read my posts about him. That's why tonight I decided to just spill things out and put an end to everything and I decided that I'm just going to be honest about how I feel about what happened.

How? Why? What happened? Those are like the common questions I received when I opened up about this to my friends/family. You know I can be bitter and tell everyone about the bad things that he did to me, I can write like 100 freaking posts about it if I want but at the end of the day, I don't want to. I mean I don't feel like I have the need to go in detail about what happened because I don't want to remember the bad things nor do I want to allow the negativity to consume me. I realize that  I don't want to give him or anyone the satisfaction of watching me suffer. At the same time, despite everything that happened to me or to him or to us in general, I don't want people to point fingers or judge anyone of us. Sometimes, people make mistakes and do bad things but that doesn't mean that they're bad people.

If I can sum it up, it's going to be like this you know through out our relationship, there were times where I told him things that I'm not okay with, I told him about things that would hurt me and hmm he did those perfectly. 

Did I see it coming?

Honestly, no. I didn't expect this to happen. I didn't expect that a guy who I was so in love with, will wake up one day and tell me that he wants to end our relationship. I know that I am not a perfect person and I was in no way a perfect girlfriend, and  those imperfections had lead us to a lot of fights and misunderstandings. Honestly, I think that it's completely normal to fight over small petty things because it's part of the process. 

This is what I always tell myself; you know if you have siblings and in my case, I have 4 crazy younger sisters and even though I knew each and every one of them since they were born like I saw them growing up in front of me and I've known them through out my life, I still fight with them. Now, I'm 25 years old, I still fight with Dini even though we've known each other for what? My whole freaking life? So if we fight with our siblings whom we had known our whole life, you can't expect a perfect relationship with no fights at all. Especially you didn't completely know your partner and he/she doesn't have a full idea of who you are as a person. So yeah. Every couples experience the same issues, couples fight now and then. In fact, I have friends who had it way worse than me but they're still together to this day. So I don't think fighting was the issue. What was the issue then? Honestly, I don't know. I'm not the one who ended it so I can't tell for sure. 

And again, I feel like I'm here to share my version of story, how I saw things from my very own perspective. So if you ask Firdaus, he could be telling a completely different story which is normal. I understand that people have different opinions about things.

I'm not sure how he felt about me and about us in general. In fact, while writing this I'm thinking about the relationship that I had with him, the memories that we both had and things that we said, honestly I can't help myself from wondering; were all those the truth? Like things he said, when he said he loved me, or he wanted to marry me, he saw our future together, when he said that I'm the best girlfriend; did he meant all that? Or were those lines scripted? I'm not sure. But one thing, I'm really sure is towards the end of our relationship, he definitely grew out of love from me. Maybe he figured out that I'm not the same person I used to be when we first met, or I am not what he's looking for in a girl anymore? 

However, for whatever reason it is, I decided to let it go and to not dwell on it. As much as I didn't expect this to happen or I didn't want to end our relationship, I have made peace with it. I believe that this is part of God's plan for me and whether I like it or not, this is it. I take it as a lesson. If you read my blog, you will realize that I always say "God's plan is always beautiful" and I believe that this situation is a complete reflection of the line. Why? Because of what happened between me and Firdaus, I feel like I've been blessed by Allah in other ways. There's so many beautiful things that happened to me recently, and for whatever reason our relationship ended, I've keep my faith on, I let things go and move on. 

How I felt back then?

Oh Lord, I was a wreck hahahaha. I was heartbroken like crazy. I have been through few breakups before but this one hmmm this one gotta be the worst. Maybe because I didn't expect it to happen, some part of it is because I loved him so much that it consumed me? or maybe because we were together for quite some time so there's definitely attachments here and there. Not sure how it was on his side, but for me hmm it was one of the toughest times of my life. We're not talking about 2 or 3 months of relationship, we're talking about almost like 3 years. Yup, 3 years of memories, 3 years of planning our future, 3 years of my life, all gone and dusted! I mean I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all. Any normal person would be affected or sad. 

I didn't eat, I just have no selera. I cried a lot  and when I said 'a lot', I really mean it. I cried in the car when I was on my way to work/court, I cried on my way back home, I cried when I suddenly terjaga from sleep at 4am in the morning, I cried while doing my work, I cried in my dreams. Hmmm I'm not going to lie but it was painful. Really painful. I wouldn't wish such pain even to my worst enemies because I feel like no one deserved to be that sad. It wasn't just painful, it was damaging as well. 

I'm not going to say that I've completely get over the sadness, but I know that I have healed a lot. I had move on for sure and I know that I'm at a better state now, thanks to the supports and love I'd received from people around me. The thing is even though now I'm like better, I still feel like crying while writing this hahaha weird isn't it?

Not because I feel sad about the breakup or what happened between me and him, but I feel sad because I remember how painful it was for me back then. The thing is, I always thought that I'm the 'tough' one as in whatever things that happened in my life, be it good or bad, I can take it. I always tell myself that "if I put my mind into it, there's nothing I can't do" and someway somehow this tough cookie was still a wreck when her heart is broken hahahaha crazy.

Looking back, there were days where I had to stay in my car at the car park and cried for a good 1 hour before I can start driving home. I had days where I have to text and call my friends (few friends who knew about what happened) at random hours and ask them to scold or knock the sense out of me because I didn't feel like doing anything, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to shower, I didn't want to eat. Basically I didn't want to do anything as in ANYTHING. 

But I think the hardest part was to pretend that it wasn't eating me alive. It was really hard to pretend that you're okay, pretend that you're not hurt by what was going on with yourself when you can barely drag yourself out of bed. I think it was quite tough when it comes to work because I love my job, and even though my heart was scattered into millions of pieces, I don't want people to tell and I don't want my professionalism is questioned. That's the only pride I had left (what I used to think). So whatever it is, I have to fake it up! Fake it till you make it.

I remember when I get myself ready in the morning, I would turn my music on while doing my makeup and honestly that feels like therapy but after what happened, I can barely keep the radio on in my car. I just can't! At the early days, I felt like every songs reminded me of him which is very annoying. In the morning while doing my make up, I would look at myself and think "god where and how do I begin to put myself back together again?" while putting as much foundations and concealers to cover my eye bags and swollen eyes.

But then again, just because you're broken doesn't mean that you have to stay that way!

In my case I know that I'm the kind of person who would give as much chances I can, it's very hard for me to give up on someone. But then because of the same reason, I suffered more than I should have.  Even up until today, I feel like if only I leave when I started to see all those red flags or hints whatever you want to call it, I might not be that affected you know. But then hmm  it's hard to give up on your love, plus I was scared and stupid, I have no one to blame except my own self for that part hahaha but it's okay, I'd learned and I got my lessons so yeah.  Then I know myself and the only way for me to get over it was to allow myself to feel all the emotions and sadness and all the crying, so I let myself  go through that phase and after like two three weeks, I macam okay again. So if you're like me hmm maybe you have to let yourself feel the sadness so cry all you want but then at the same time, brace yourself.  Be ready and take steps, baby steps if you need but you need to allow yourself to heal.

I used to tell myself that "Okay Liyana, you're sad? Fine, but your future needs you. You need to be strong. The wounds in your heart might not be your fault but your healing is 100% your responsibility" .

Breathe and then begin again.

How I feel now?

I feel so much better.

I used to be sad when he wasn't in my life anymore. But now, if I have to be honest, I feel so much happier and free and like the old me is back. I don't feel sick anymore, I'm no longer sad and I don't know whether this is the right word to describe it but I feel "normal" again? I know it doesn't make sense right but there were times when he made me feel like I'm not good enough or I'm too much as  in I'm too fat, too dramatic, too clingy or  too emotional and he can't handle it so I toned myself down for him. I didn't blamed him or myself because ntah la, those are all history now.  That's what I meant by when I said I feel normal again, like I'm back to being me, a fat dramatic clingy emotional Liyana.

Also, when Firdaus did things that he shouldn't be doing, it really really messed up my mood. It made me so depressed and unhappy and moody, which sometimes I lashed out at everyone. There were times and days where I let him or what he did to affect my days and I feel really really bad about it. I'm sorry for those who got lashed on by me haha honestly I didn't mean to hurt anybody hmmm.

They say "time will heal everything" but in my situation I realize that time doesn't heal me. But one thing for sure is, time make me grow and understand things. Not everything or all at once but slowly yes. When it comes to Firdaus, I'm still not sure why he did what he did or what actually happened, I don't know what you guys think about it but I don't believe that people can easily flip and change their hearts overnight. There must be something that happened, things they hide from you, truth they refused to tell you but it's okay. I used to question myself because I wanted the closure like I really really want to know what happened, why he did that and all but then honestly, I realize that I don't need the so called closure because at the end of the day, even though I know all the answers, I can't change someone's mind, I can't change what happened or anything. So I stopped fighting for the closure and be happy with not knowing.

Overall, I wish him happiness.Yes he has hurt me and he broke my heart but I personally think that generally he's a nice guy. He might not be the one for me but what we had together for almost 3 years, weren't all bad things. Of course, there were happy memories, there were days where we were happy and content with each other. He is a good guy, I think he really is. I mean if he is a total trash, I don't think I can be with him for so long. I know my friends used to tell me to leave him and I deserved better and all, I wished I did leave him earlier. But then again, there were days where he supported me emotionally, physically, financially, he was there with me and I am really thankful for all that. Let's be real, I'm not a perfect person and I made mistakes as well and sometimes things happened and they change people. Sometimes good people turned ugly and there's nothing much you can do except to just let them be free and figure themselves out. If I am to borrow Benjamin's wise words; "sometimes you're there in someone's life as a lesson, to teach them things" and I would like to believe that my duties in his life is complete. I don't know what's going on with him after we broke up but I would like to believe that he's like me, somewhere at a better place.

When I was at my rock bottom, I thought I would never heal (which is very stupid of me to ever think like that). While writing this entry, I felt so much emotions and mixed feelings, some of them are feelings that I never knew I had before. At the same time, a lot of memories cross my mind, the memories I had with him, the things that both of us go through together and all. Some of them were sweet while some were not. However, regardless of what it is, I'm glad that they happened. Even though we're no longer together, I will still cherish the good memories that we had.


Honestly, I'm very proud of myself because I think I've done a great job, super great job in fact. I  went through one of the hardest and worst situations in my life yet I push myself through it. You've done a good job Liyana, you really do. You went through every pain of it and you manage to pull yourself through using nothing but hope and love for yourself. That's already an achievement on it's own. I think the reason I managed to move on and not dwell on it is because I believe that I deserved to be happy. With or without a guy.

To anyone who's going through anything like this or going through whatever hard times in general, be strong and have faith. Don't let your fear controls you, any fear such as the fear of being alone or your fear of losing someone you really love or your fear of people judging you or any fear in general. Have faith in yourself. You're going to be okay. You're going to move on. You're going to be happy again.

Fear is the opposite of faith. Have faith.

Life Update ❤️

Hello peeps! How’s life?

I feel so bad I mean my last post was in April and I didn’t even write anything about most of the things that happened or events that come across since then such as; my birthday or my ramadhan/raya this year. But it’s okay, there’s nothing we can do about it anyway and life must go on. So since I’m not doing anything right now (waiting formy laundry to finish), I thought hey why not update something in my blog? I know its so random but liyana and randomness comes in a set so bear with me.

Work:

It has been almost 9 months since I joined Gibb & Co (9 months on 1st July) and to be honest, I’m always grateful for this opportunity. I mean if you ever read my old posts, I used to write about how I was struggling at my old firm, how I struggle to find a new job as a new called to the bar lawyer with zero experiences and coming from an unknown firm it was a tough battle on its own. I was stressed and I was doubting myself like is this the right profession for me? Should I just go and do my master? Maybe I’m not destined to be a lawyer and etc, all the doubts that I had in my mind. Now I’m here I feel like, all the struggles that I went through was for a reason. I am at a better place now Alhamdulillah.

 I always hear people say “God’s plans are always beautiful” and I didn’t know what that actually means, pretty doubtful about it too but hey look at me now. Imagine if I ever been accepted at other firms that I went for interviews, I don’t know whether I’m going to be this happy and grateful. I have colleagues who are more like friends, partners who are willing to teach and share their knowledge with me and other amazing things. 

To be honest, sometimes I feel like I couldn’t ask for more. What else do I want? Don’t get me wrong, this is not a perfect firm. In fact, if I’m being honest I don’t think that there is ever a perfect firm or company or workplace in this world. Like you can’t have everything in life. Sometimes you have a good pay but shitty bosses. Sometimes you have good employers good environment but the pay is not so much and etc. 

Of course if I am being honest, yes I want more pay and less work but I realize that’s not going to happen anyway. That’s unrealistic. And I realised that all great people in history work hard, they hustle and they always do their best. So that’s what I always aim to do; to work hard and do my ultimate best. I am always a firm believer that if you work hard and you live an honest life, one day everything that you did will come back to you. 

So yes, work has been great. 

Relationship:

Well apparently I’m still with the same guy. The same Firdaus. Funny isn’t it? There was a time in our relationship ( 3 or 4 months ago) where all we did was fighting each other out. Seriously we will fight over literally everything like why didn’t him pick up my calls, why am I ignoring him, why am I so emotional, why he acts like this, why I act like that, just basically everything. Those were the hard days. I mean I love him and I know he loves me too, it’s just that our fights seems like no end. To be completely honest, there were days where I question our relationship as in you know whether is this the right guy for me. What if all the fightings are indications that we’re just not meant for each other? I think those cat-dog phase last for quite some time maybe few months and it was very hard because in my heart, I love this guy but my ‘rational’ brain can’t keep up with how he acts, his actions irritate the hell out of me. We took a lot of cold-off period which is to be honest I don’t want that. My style is when something happened or there’s a problem, I want to discuss/solve it on the dot like right now! Probably because I’m on the bossy side well hahaha. On the other hand, Firdaus is the type who prefer to discuss only when we had calmed down. For me, the more I wait, the angrier I’ll get but it’s a complete opposite for him. So it was hard to find the balance that works for both of us and I think till this date, hmm I don’t think we have find that benchmark that actually works for us.

However, hmm as time goes by I realize that these past few months we didn’t fight as much as we did. Back then I think there wasn’t a day thatgoes unnoticed (or in this situation un-fight hahaha) but nowadays, we had improved a lot and we fight less. Once a month probably? And that’s just for like small small issues not worth fighting and it usually happens when I’m on my PMS. 

Firdaus has changed and has improved a lot likeback then he used to make stupid jokes with theintention to annoys me. Now he’s like more understanding and more sweet. He treats me really well. Probably someone has knocked over his senses or he just come to a realisation that he should be thankful that he has me as his girlfriend ( hello I’m supportive, kind, naturally funny, loving what else do you want *roll eyes*) Sometimes out of nowhere he’ll tell me that he loves me and I’ll be like eh why suddenly you said that haha but our relationship has been better. I guess we had moved from the crazy-24 hours-fighting phase and back to being the normal love birds? 

At the same time I also realised that I had changed so much too; from a crazy controlling girlfriend to a crazy not so much controlling girlfriend hahahaha. No but seriously I had changed a lot. Back then, I’ll get angry he didn’t called me for like 2 or 3 days but these days I’m more chill. Maybe because I’m super busy with work so I kinda understand if he’s busy. In the end he still texted me and try to make time for me sometimes he calls when he’s on his way to work or back from work. He has other commitments to like to his parents and family, maybe finally I get to understand that kot. As long as I know that he loves me, we love each other and we always want the best for our relationship, I guess I’m all good. 

In fact, these days if Firdaus became like too clingy like he already called me yesterday we talked for few hours or we already met yesterday but he wants to talk again or meet again today, I pulak yang macam malas tau hahahaha. Of course I can’t say no but deep inside I’m like “hello this gurl need her me time too”. But he can tell. Sometimes when I talk to him and I keep saying thingslike “You know that you don’t have to call me if you’re busy or if you want to do something else itd okay you can hang up the phone we’ll talk other time”. Then he’ll be like “Actually you nak tengok Netflix kan?” Oppsssssssssss hahahahaha.

I’m so happy with how my life is going. Work is great, my relationship is great too, my family is as good as ever. So I’m very thankful for all these blessings that Allah granted for me. I know some of you guys mesti macam “see this girl she didn’t even write about her family” or “her boyfriend and work is more important than family” okay if you think like that, I have something to say to you guys - shut the f up! The reason I didn’t write about family too much these days is bcs I realise that people are so quick to judge and I don’t want my family to be hurt. We’ve been through a lot and I don’t want to do things that could create more hate you see. But don’t worry I will write about my family, my sisters, my mum soon bcs I know you guys would love to read about them too.

Till then.

Thanks for reading!

Talk and Politeness

Hi! Yes it’s me again.

So today I feel like talking about being polite especially in the context of ‘speaking or talking to other people’. I’m not sure whether you guys had experienced about this situation before but throughout my life, there are hmm quite a number of time where I did or intend to do something good for someone and instead of getting good comments from that person, he/she actually gave a hateful or bad remarks. Get it? For example, you’re driving home and you feel like eating mcd and you bought extra for your housemates because you remember she mentioned that she wanted to eat mcd few days ago, or you just feel like buying for her for no reason. However, instead of appreciating your efforts and thoughts, she actually scolded you like “why didn’t informed me earlier if not I didn’t eat just now” yedda yedda. Instead of him/her thanking you for that, you get scolded?

What kind of nonsense is that?

I mean let’s face it, I’m not fishing for compliments or asking people to praise my good deeds. Just accept it with open heart and if you feel like thankful or anything, just say thank you. Isn’t it that hard? 

I’m kinda experiencing it now. But I’ll try to be positive and chill about it. I want to think that the words actually came from a good place, its just that some people are not good at expressing themselves. Yeah. 

If you’re reading this, I just want to remind you guys (and myself too) that; words matter. And by no means, you or other people should devalue or give negative remarks for your kindness. Or if you’re the person receiving it, be mindful of what you say. You could hurt your friend or in the end,she will think like oh you know what I wont do anything good to you next time. Yeah. So be kind okay.

That’s all.

Good day!

Marriage or maybe an update about my so called love story?

To be honest I feel like everyone around me is getting married. I scrolled my instagram and noticed that a lot of my school mates or law school friends are married, or engaged or at least, in a serious relationships. Me on the other hand? Well why bother asking? I’m pretty much the same, juggling with everything especially this work-life balance I want to achieve so badly and hmmm trying to become a good lawyer? For what I’m not really sure. Making other people rich? Or making money for corporations or banks? Whatever. But if I put it this way, I look pathetic hahaha so let’s just say I’m “achieving my dreams and goals” which is kinda true though.

What and how do I feel when I see people around me getting married?

Well hmm honestly speaking, I get worried a lot. Super anxious. I know that growing up, I used to think that oh I don’t want to get married. I can live alone happily ever after with no other than me, myself and I (or with few pets). But you know as I grow up and living kind of alone for almost 2 years now, I can’t help but to feel lonely. This could be the loneliest part of my life where I don’t have friends to accompany me everyday and work will usually take like what? Half of my day. Therefore, as crazy as it can be, I realise that as of now, I do want to get married and have a family one day. Maybe not today but eventually one day, I do want to have a family, a small gang I can call my own. Hopefully. InsyaAllah.

Do I get insecure when I see my friends getting married or engaged or like taking one step further in their relationships?

I’m not sure whether insecure is the right word for what I feel but I don’t think that I’m insecure about it. I’m happy for them and I pray that God bless their marriages and ease their lives. Also hmm I mean at this point of time, I think I had matured enough to realize that everyone has their own timeline and I can’t be comparing my life with other people. Some people are destined to marry when they were in high school or university, some people get married when they’re like 25 and some people get married when they’re 40. Maybe we have to accept that some people are born to “kahwin awal” and not to “move mountains” like other people. For example, when we were young, my younger sister, Ardini had told me that one of her ‘aims’ in life is to marry before she reaches 25 years old. Looking back, I used to criticise her and telling it on her face “what kind of dream/ambition is this? You should have bigger dreams”.  For me, as someone who does not prioritise marriage, her ambition is like an ultimate joke. But as life goes on, I realize that hey maybe that’s just what she wants and who she is as a person. I mean I haven’t completely changed my judgements on her ideology and I still believe that women (or men) should not limit their life or set marriage or having families as their end goals. I mean don’t get me wrong, you may get married whenever you want but to completely ignore everything just for that purpose is wrong. To be honest I feel like people should be achieving their dreams and go beyond what they want or what they have and you know go and have fun and make money before they even think of getting married but again, as I mentioned before; everyone has their own timeline and that varies from one person to another.

At the same time, I am still a fond believer of life is more than numbers. One thing that I truly holdtight on when it comes to marriage is that I should never get married for other people. I always believe that if one day, I ever wish to be with a guy in a halal way, I want to marry him because I want it. Not because people’s around me are getting married or my sisters’ are getting married so I should rush or I should get married because I passed “the age” to do so. I think that’s completely wrong. Right?

What is my position when it comes to marriage as of now?

Well as I mentioned before. I do want to get married. Eventually, one day (please pray and make dua for me). But at the same time, I’m also enjoying my single life where I can do completely anything and everything that I want. The sky is not even the limit so yeah. When is it going to happen? I have no idea. Who am I going to marry? I don’t know. Of course, I’m with Firdaus and I love him (like you guys can’t tell anyway 🙄) but is he going to be my husband? I don’t know. No one knows. Only God knows. I wish he’s the one though. And yeah one of the questions I always askedmy friends who’re married is how do they know if their partners are the ones for them? They told me they’re not sure too. Yup so helpful la you guys thanks hahahaha. But isn’t that the beautiful part about jodoh? It’s a secret from the Allah. You could be with someone for 10, 15 years but if he/she is not for you then there’s nothing you can’t do except to move on. In the end we have to tell ourselves that whatever it is, God knows best.  We have to usaha or work hard for it but in the end hmm. Okay done tazkirah.

I haven’t update about Firdaus for so long right. Yes I am still with the same annoying guys and he is still pretty much the same guy. Except more annoying. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now and this by far is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in my whole life. How I do it and how does it work? I don’t know. I have no idea. Time passes by so fast suddenly eh its 2 years already? Wow. Our relationship so far well more realistic and crazy than ever. Oh my god we fight alot, and we have so many misunderstandings along the lines. We broke up and took time off for few times too but at the end of the day, we’re just two humans who love each other but too muchego in our heads. Maybe because we have reached this stage where we’re both comfortable with each other, and I have my own pride and I’m competitive as hell. Firdaus is stubborn oh my god his degil and keras kepala. Together we made a great combo, against each other gosh like neraka like that. 

At this moment I’m writing my blog, I haven’t replied to his text since morning because I get annoyed at him. He went to Langkawi for holiday withhis friends and have been neglecting me, replying so slow and all. Sometimes tak reply at all. I really hate that. And you know who’s the best at being dramatic right? *wink eyes* so yeah that’s what happens. But maybe because we’ve been in too many fights to count, we already know each other’s styles. When is he going to say sorry, when I’m going to apologise and all. I think we’ll be fine. As we always do.

I think that’s all for today. Its almost 12am. I need to sleep. Tomorrow is just another working dayfor me. So yeah.

Good day!

Soon.

I'll write about it soon. 

I'm back! (sort of)

Hello readers!

To be honest, do I still have readers though? Do people still read my blog? If yes hmm why? I don't get it. Okay I know that it has been months since my last entry and I feel kind of guilty about it. You know what, this is why I choose not to have or set 'new year resolutions' or azam tahun baru or anything along those lines because I know I can never achieve them anyway. So one of my 2019 resolutions is to actually update my blog once a week. Yeah, by now we all now that that is too good to be true.

The thing is right, I always want to write something. There's soooo many things I want to share with you guys. I want to write about those happy little things that happened in my life, how work has been, how my relationship with Firdaus has been, my so-called room tour, dishes I can cook now and etc but I don't know how to share it without making it sounds cliche. Some people might find them annoying and I don't know trying to boost how amazing my life is? I mean I am nowhere and not in any position to even boast about my life because my god my life is so damn boring and lifeless hahaha. Also, some people tend to view things in negative ways so I don't know how to feel about it. But then I figured out that if I keep restricting myself from sharing my happy moments or my life in general because of other people, then I'm not living my life to the fullest, right? I think so. Okay after this I'm going to shamelessly post everything as in whatever I do or make or cook or achieve as in EVERYTHING yasss! Okay next post is going to be titled "Liyana a freaking genius chef" so stay tuned guys hahahaha. 

That's all for now. Bye. See you guys soon (hopefully it is soon, not months!)

2019

Okay I know I know I am such a bad blogger. It's already 9th February and this my first post for 2019? Wow! You better be doing something huge girl but hmm unfortunately nope I wasn't saving the world or anything. To be honest, I'm not sure what I was doing all these while but looking back, I was always busy with something (not really sure what that something is but yeah).

So it has been a tradition in my life that for every end of year or early new year, I'll usually write an entry in this blog to recap everything that happened to me for that particular year and my kind of 'new year resolutions'. Well like since this is already February hmmm I'm not really sure whether I'm going to do that, I'll just go with the flow and see lah how this post turns out.

I haven't been writing for almost 3 months and oh my god, I'm not kidding but I feel like I forgot how to write already hahaha. The thing is, I always want to update something you know like the progress of my life, how far I have become and all but I just couldn't find the perfect time! Tonight I'm finally free and have same spare time so I though why not update something. Firdaus went to have fun at Port Dickson today so yeay me! finally I get to free myself from him and his annoying jokes hahaha. Just kidding. I'm super clingy okay so I always want to text him and expect him to reply right away but well guys will forget everything including our existence when they're out with their friends (roll eyes).

By the way, since its Chinese New Year and the firm kindly gave us whole week like 10 days off so  I went back home last Sunday and it was such a nice break. It feels sooo great to be back home and just do nothing, no work, no stress, just me and my best friend (read: my bed). I can't remember the last time I had a long break probably none since I started working or okay maybe ada la time raya and all but well raya is just once a year and during raya you have to go visit your relatives so it's quite tiring and hectic but this time oh my god I was having the time of my life! I drove back to KL this morning (start at 6am to avoid traffic) and so yeah back to my mundane life urgh. But it's okay, life has to go on. We need to work to make money anyway. And soon akan ada break or holiday jugak so for now just continue with whatever you're doing. I hope that after this break, I get the motivation to work harder and all but chances are I think hmm maybe nope.


Okay, this is the part where I have to awkwardly end this post. I'm actually having headache right now probably because of the lack of sleep since I woke up so early and drove for like 6/7 hours so I macam ting tong sikit. I'm going to take meds after this and have my beauty sleep pfff not sure why I wrote this too but I just feel like so. Okay so bye bye. See you in my next post (which I hope I get to share something beneficial)!