Graduation

Okay, where do I begin?

So as you guys know, I had ended my law school journey somewhere in June/August last year. However, the convocation was  only held recently which was on last Wednesday 11.04.2018 (going to remember this for the rest of my life hahahaha). Well actually I don't know why but it's almost like a culture that UiTM convocation will take place like months after you finish your degree. I mean well I'm not really complaining and to be honest, I'm not in the position to complain after all (even though I wait 8 months for my convocation) because I understand that such huge event would require a lot of hard work and planning beforehand. So yeah, I'm not bitter about it. In fact, I'm so thankful that at least we have the convocation going on because I get to meet all of my lovely friends, those I haven't see since the last 8 or 9 months? Plus, going back to Shah Alam and UiTM to be specific really makes me feel nostalgic. I mean I spent 4 years studying in Shah Alam of course I miss the place. Feel like I have memories at every corner, every restaurants, every mamak and every streets there. Good old days.

The convocation was fun and enjoyable. Everyone was so happy and smiling throughout the event. It was joyful and meaningful. It's the one day to celebrate the graduates who'd been through a lot of hardships and struggles for that one piece of certificate. When I was a student, I used to question myself a lot like 'is this really worth it?". I mean it's easy to doubt things including yourself when you're young, vulnerable and tired. I used to question what I did, I mean I was not sure whether these are going to work or is it really worth it. Worth what? Worth all the sleepless nights studying for exams, worth all the time I'd spent studying, reading and hafal all the cases, worth all the tears I had every time I failed any test or scored pretty badly in the exams, worth all the steps, efforts and sw I had to make every morning panjat bukit to bangunan AL? Is it worth all the efforts to keep myself awake in the 2-3 hours lecture, is it worth all the money that my parents had invested on me? Will it be okay? 

When I was studying, I question these a lot. After so many years, I finally had my answer. Yes, it is worth it. It is going to be worth it. That one piece of paper worth everything you can ever imagine. So I don't know how to explain it but if I can revert back time I won't tell my old self to quit because "its just a certificate anyway" instead I would tell my old self to hang it there, you're doing just fine and you'll be fine. I'm not saying that if you have your degree, you can do everything, the world is at your palm, you can move mountains bla bla bla those are to be honest not true at all! Then why is it worth it? Because for me that certificate is not about you know oh I finally graduated, I'm a lawyer now instead its a symbol of perseverance and hard work. It doesn't make me proud with the fact that I'm a law graduate but it makes me proud that I managed to win over everything and finally graduated. It's no secret that I've been through a lot of shit in my life and I'm so proud that regardless of the shitty things that I've been through, I still manage to graduate on time and with an okay result. I have my moments of weakness just like anyone else but overall I'm a pretty tough cookie. I pride myself on my determination and effort to beat my life obstacles, and not allow them to beat me. So yeah your girl is happy and proud :) 

I am also blessed with amazing support system; my family and friends. I won't consider my journey as a one man show instead my family and some amazing lovely friends have been the backbone of everything. They're the ones who keep pushing me to my fullest, who encourage me to do my very best and to always shower me with their endless love and support. To my family specifically my mum, thank you for being so supportive of my dreams. I'm super super thankful for that. To all my younger sisters helloooo your Kak Long finally made it guys! Hahahahaha. I say this all the time but those friends I met throughout my high school and law school journey gosh how should I describe them? They're probably the loveliest and kindest people I've ever meet. I can be stupid at times, but I'm so thankful that despite all my perangai and stupidity, they're so patient and kind to help. There were days where I were literally lacking emotionally, I was so tired, I had a lot of work to finish and assignments to be submitted and I had no money to survive but thank god they always offer me their hands. In fact I have friends who actually scold me for not leaning on them more often and I have friends who drop everything for me in times when I do reach for them. I always and forever will thank god for these blessings.

I want to write more but I think hmmm this is pretty long already. So I have to end this here. If your name is not mentioned here but you know that you've been supporting me and helping me at times when I was in need, please don't feel bad about yourself. I'm really really sorry for that.My bad. Unfortunately, I'm also a human and I tend to forget sometimes. I mean I try to make this as general as I can because if I have to list everyone and everything, this post is going to be super long. Whoever you are out there who'd been rooting for me, supporting, praying and loving me for the last 24 years, thank you so much. I won't be here without all of you. Thank you. Really, thank you so so much.

And here are the pictures I had taken with my family and friends before, during and after my graduation:

 

 

  

Hopefully, this is the beginning of higher and greater achievements. Aminn.

Thanks:)

Love

Yeap, you read the title right.

Okay, hmmm how am I suppose to begin.

To be honest with you guys, I was thinking of writing about this probably since two or three weeks ago. I mean I tried to write few entries but I don't know I just can't finish them. Maybe it's just me, I was afraid of writing something so important (its important to me), I was worried just in case this is just temporary and well if you read my blog you would probably know that this girl here is super paranoid about a lot of things. It really took me quite some time to finally make up my mind about this. I always tell him that I'm afraid he might leave, I'm also worried that whatever feeling I have in my heart right now might be temporary but he told me to have faith that this is going somewhere, and just pray that we're going to be just fine. He's just sweet like that. 

So yes guys, I finally have someone special. I actually wants to write 'boyfriend' but it feels so weird for me to utter or even write such a word. That feels super cringey especially that coming from me hahaha. 

So hmmm his name is Firdaus. He's not a lawyer, not a law student and he's actually in a totally different field compared to mine. As a result, we're so different in character and  I can say in almost everything. He likes things that I never bother about and we're both passionate about different stuffs but so far I think we're quite okay. I would consider myself as a serious person, I don't take life and whatever happens in between for granted, as a result I'm quite on the boring side. My life are all about my family, few close friends and my work. Well, Firdaus is like a total opposite of mine. He's funny, he likes to make jokes and he's very sociable if I may say so. I mean he's always out lepak-ing with his friends during weekend and me on the other hand, always in my room; either sleeping or reading or writing. Boring stuffs. We are very different, like so different. I actually never thought that I'm going to meet such a funny and kind guy. They say, you'll fall in love with those similar to you so all my life I'd been thinking that oh god my partner is going to be as dull, mundane and boring as I am but it turns out that taraaa he's different. So far, I'm pretty much happy and I like his jokes. I like his funny side even though I always tell him that his jokes are annoying and I can't stand them but honestly being funny is a plus though hahaha. 

When I first met him of course he wasn't showing his clown-funny side so I was like hmm yeah okay. We just consider each other as friends. Then after some time, you get to know the person better, they opened up to you and you start to do the same. We've known each other since October last year, yes almost like 5, 6 months ago but I think we decided to be serious about each other since I think last month? I can't specifically remember hahaha tak romantic nya Liyana hahaha because it feels like forever okay. Yeah, we're still new, I mean we've been friends-but-more-than-friends for so long, only recently we decided to like take it serious. Actually, I was the one who initiated this. I mean I knew since the very beginning that he likes me but he never say a thing. I was like how can this guy be like this lah? Can't you just be honest? I get frustrated so I asked haha which I'm quite thankful that I did. There's a lot of things that happened in between which I am not keen to share it yet but I think gradually I will, one fine day. 

Love is beautiful. I say this all the time. I believe that we all need love; and all these while I know that I am so lucky because I'm always blessed with so much love from my family, my parents, friends, my younger sisters and few other people I met along the journey. Not to mention, the most important and valuable love I'd received for the last 24 years is God's love, always beautiful and meaningful. If I have to be honest with you guys, I had only found myself loving God recently. I mean I pray and do all the compulsory stuffs but I never really like put any interest or effort to really really understand what I'm doing. I just do all the amalan because I was taught to do so since I was a child and my ustaz and ustazah used to remind us that if we don't do things that we're required to, we had sinned God and we're going to go to hell.  Also, as I was born in quite a conservative circle I was taught not to question things that Allah had asked us to do which I didn't really get the point behind it. I mean sometimes I just want to know why I can't do this and I can't do that but my ustaz and ustazah were like "don't question stuffs, just do whatever Allah has ordered us to do. If not nanti 'terpesong akidah" but I don't see it that way. As a human, the God has granted us the ability to think and with time we're going to question things because we wants to know why. The thing is God always have perfect reasons behind whatever He has ordered us to do or not to do, but the fellow humans just make it complicated. Allah is Al Rahman Al Rahim (Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang) and He loves his servant, God's love is real. I don't think He will dump us in Hell just because we wants to know better. I don't see a wrong in wondering why because if you are really a thinking Muslim, of course you wants to know certain things better. That doesn't make you a bad Muslim though. So anyway although it is quite shameful but yeah I had to admit I had only found my true love for God recently, I know it took me quite some time for this but I'm glad I did. Now I'm at peace. 

Its already 12am, and I need to sleep. Tomorrow is Monday and I need to go to work. But I'll try to write more often if I can. InsyaAllah. 

Happy

I think even after 24 years of life, I haven't really know myself yet. I mean sometimes I surprise myself, I do things which I thought I would never do. Beyond my comfort zone, things I would never ever think of doing hahaha not even in my wildest dreams. Yet someway somehow, I did it. Knowing myself, I would consider myself on passive-timid side. I always adore those who are 'dare to dreams' because this girl right here is super afraid of a lot of things. Well actually, I'm afraid of failures and me being me, always have high expectations on certain things. That's why these days, I try to play it cool and you know what just go with the flow! I may control myself, but I can't control other people, I can't control the universe. I just encouraged myself to worry less and enjoy the moments. I decided to just live life as it is, not easy but I'm trying though.

Okay now I'm not sure where this post is going. 

But as much as I'm trying to change myself for the better, I figured out that I have less time to write or express myself. Maybe because I'm just busy with work and other stuffs which require my ultimate attention but its kinda sad that I can't write as smooth or often as I used to. 

I also figured out that I can't write that well when I'm happy. You know when you're in a good mood, things are going well, everyday is rainbow and marshmallows kinda day? I think I write better when I'm sad and gloomy. Its just that the words flow better and more natural when I'm sad. Weird.

For example, I wrote my last entry entitled 'Why are you like this?" when I was freaking sad. In fact, I cried tons while writing that. Not to mention all my tears before I wrote that entry (so drama I know). I was so sad and lonely at that moment, I was so gloomy. I had so much problems at that time, my heart and mind weren't at ease. I even thought something so negative like you know what, what's the point of living if you're suffering. I didn't try to kill myself or being suicidal (mintak dijauhkan) but I really really question myself a lot at that moment. I asked God a lot of things, I wonder if He really loves me, why am I suffering and not happy? Then you know people used to say, God's mercy is real and God's plans are always beautiful because the next day after my post and my sleepless night, Allah blessed me with a lot of beautiful things. I got the answers for all my sadness in a very short time. Then I feel bad, I mean as his servant I should not act like that. Who am I questioning things? Padahal Allah dah clearly said "what is meant to be will always be" and He won't test a human beyond his/her limits. I was the one who needs Him, He doesn't need me. I guess that is what happened when I get so negative, but I'm so happy because Allah really showed me that He's always with me, I can't see him but He's there rooting for me, for you and for all of us.

So yeah again back to the topic. It was quite easier for me to write that entry. I mean I'm not saying that it is my best or favourite writing but if I have to say myself, I feel like I was being honest with what I wrote. I was so so much easier for me to write that kind of writing when I'm feeling down compared to when I'm happy.

I really don't know the purpose of this entry, I mean I'm not sure what you're trying to say girl. Maybe what I'm trying to portray here is I'm okay. I dah okay. Things passed by and I'm doing way better now, Alhamdulillah. Looking back more than one month has passed since my last emotional entry hahaha haihhh so drama.

I'll try to share more happy stuffs as well. InsyaAllah.