Love

Yeap, you read the title right.

Okay, hmmm how am I suppose to begin.

To be honest with you guys, I was thinking of writing about this probably since two or three weeks ago. I mean I tried to write few entries but I don't know I just can't finish them. Maybe it's just me, I was afraid of writing something so important (its important to me), I was worried just in case this is just temporary and well if you read my blog you would probably know that this girl here is super paranoid about a lot of things. It really took me quite some time to finally make up my mind about this. I always tell him that I'm afraid he might leave, I'm also worried that whatever feeling I have in my heart right now might be temporary but he told me to have faith that this is going somewhere, and just pray that we're going to be just fine. He's just sweet like that. 

So yes guys, I finally have someone special. I actually wants to write 'boyfriend' but it feels so weird for me to utter or even write such a word. That feels super cringey especially that coming from me hahaha. 

So hmmm his name is Firdaus. He's not a lawyer, not a law student and he's actually in a totally different field compared to mine. As a result, we're so different in character and  I can say in almost everything. He likes things that I never bother about and we're both passionate about different stuffs but so far I think we're quite okay. I would consider myself as a serious person, I don't take life and whatever happens in between for granted, as a result I'm quite on the boring side. My life are all about my family, few close friends and my work. Well, Firdaus is like a total opposite of mine. He's funny, he likes to make jokes and he's very sociable if I may say so. I mean he's always out lepak-ing with his friends during weekend and me on the other hand, always in my room; either sleeping or reading or writing. Boring stuffs. We are very different, like so different. I actually never thought that I'm going to meet such a funny and kind guy. They say, you'll fall in love with those similar to you so all my life I'd been thinking that oh god my partner is going to be as dull, mundane and boring as I am but it turns out that taraaa he's different. So far, I'm pretty much happy and I like his jokes. I like his funny side even though I always tell him that his jokes are annoying and I can't stand them but honestly being funny is a plus though hahaha. 

When I first met him of course he wasn't showing his clown-funny side so I was like hmm yeah okay. We just consider each other as friends. Then after some time, you get to know the person better, they opened up to you and you start to do the same. We've known each other since October last year, yes almost like 5, 6 months ago but I think we decided to be serious about each other since I think last month? I can't specifically remember hahaha tak romantic nya Liyana hahaha because it feels like forever okay. Yeah, we're still new, I mean we've been friends-but-more-than-friends for so long, only recently we decided to like take it serious. Actually, I was the one who initiated this. I mean I knew since the very beginning that he likes me but he never say a thing. I was like how can this guy be like this lah? Can't you just be honest? I get frustrated so I asked haha which I'm quite thankful that I did. There's a lot of things that happened in between which I am not keen to share it yet but I think gradually I will, one fine day. 

Love is beautiful. I say this all the time. I believe that we all need love; and all these while I know that I am so lucky because I'm always blessed with so much love from my family, my parents, friends, my younger sisters and few other people I met along the journey. Not to mention, the most important and valuable love I'd received for the last 24 years is God's love, always beautiful and meaningful. If I have to be honest with you guys, I had only found myself loving God recently. I mean I pray and do all the compulsory stuffs but I never really like put any interest or effort to really really understand what I'm doing. I just do all the amalan because I was taught to do so since I was a child and my ustaz and ustazah used to remind us that if we don't do things that we're required to, we had sinned God and we're going to go to hell.  Also, as I was born in quite a conservative circle I was taught not to question things that Allah had asked us to do which I didn't really get the point behind it. I mean sometimes I just want to know why I can't do this and I can't do that but my ustaz and ustazah were like "don't question stuffs, just do whatever Allah has ordered us to do. If not nanti 'terpesong akidah" but I don't see it that way. As a human, the God has granted us the ability to think and with time we're going to question things because we wants to know why. The thing is God always have perfect reasons behind whatever He has ordered us to do or not to do, but the fellow humans just make it complicated. Allah is Al Rahman Al Rahim (Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang) and He loves his servant, God's love is real. I don't think He will dump us in Hell just because we wants to know better. I don't see a wrong in wondering why because if you are really a thinking Muslim, of course you wants to know certain things better. That doesn't make you a bad Muslim though. So anyway although it is quite shameful but yeah I had to admit I had only found my true love for God recently, I know it took me quite some time for this but I'm glad I did. Now I'm at peace. 

Its already 12am, and I need to sleep. Tomorrow is Monday and I need to go to work. But I'll try to write more often if I can. InsyaAllah. 

Happy

I think even after 24 years of life, I haven't really know myself yet. I mean sometimes I surprise myself, I do things which I thought I would never do. Beyond my comfort zone, things I would never ever think of doing hahaha not even in my wildest dreams. Yet someway somehow, I did it. Knowing myself, I would consider myself on passive-timid side. I always adore those who are 'dare to dreams' because this girl right here is super afraid of a lot of things. Well actually, I'm afraid of failures and me being me, always have high expectations on certain things. That's why these days, I try to play it cool and you know what just go with the flow! I may control myself, but I can't control other people, I can't control the universe. I just encouraged myself to worry less and enjoy the moments. I decided to just live life as it is, not easy but I'm trying though.

Okay now I'm not sure where this post is going. 

But as much as I'm trying to change myself for the better, I figured out that I have less time to write or express myself. Maybe because I'm just busy with work and other stuffs which require my ultimate attention but its kinda sad that I can't write as smooth or often as I used to. 

I also figured out that I can't write that well when I'm happy. You know when you're in a good mood, things are going well, everyday is rainbow and marshmallows kinda day? I think I write better when I'm sad and gloomy. Its just that the words flow better and more natural when I'm sad. Weird.

For example, I wrote my last entry entitled 'Why are you like this?" when I was freaking sad. In fact, I cried tons while writing that. Not to mention all my tears before I wrote that entry (so drama I know). I was so sad and lonely at that moment, I was so gloomy. I had so much problems at that time, my heart and mind weren't at ease. I even thought something so negative like you know what, what's the point of living if you're suffering. I didn't try to kill myself or being suicidal (mintak dijauhkan) but I really really question myself a lot at that moment. I asked God a lot of things, I wonder if He really loves me, why am I suffering and not happy? Then you know people used to say, God's mercy is real and God's plans are always beautiful because the next day after my post and my sleepless night, Allah blessed me with a lot of beautiful things. I got the answers for all my sadness in a very short time. Then I feel bad, I mean as his servant I should not act like that. Who am I questioning things? Padahal Allah dah clearly said "what is meant to be will always be" and He won't test a human beyond his/her limits. I was the one who needs Him, He doesn't need me. I guess that is what happened when I get so negative, but I'm so happy because Allah really showed me that He's always with me, I can't see him but He's there rooting for me, for you and for all of us.

So yeah again back to the topic. It was quite easier for me to write that entry. I mean I'm not saying that it is my best or favourite writing but if I have to say myself, I feel like I was being honest with what I wrote. I was so so much easier for me to write that kind of writing when I'm feeling down compared to when I'm happy.

I really don't know the purpose of this entry, I mean I'm not sure what you're trying to say girl. Maybe what I'm trying to portray here is I'm okay. I dah okay. Things passed by and I'm doing way better now, Alhamdulillah. Looking back more than one month has passed since my last emotional entry hahaha haihhh so drama.

I'll try to share more happy stuffs as well. InsyaAllah.

Why are you like this?

Life has been difficult.

Actually, I haven't been doing very well lately. I'm so tired of everything right now and I'm really really struggling. Looking back, the last two weeks were full of tears, I can't remember a day where I come home not crying in the toilet or a day passed by without me crying in the car. I feel like I'm not happy and I'm not doing well in anything. Its so frustrating and I'm so freaking frustrated with myself.

I remember reading somewhere that one of the biggest regrets for people at 40s or 50s is 'to stay at a job they hate'. I think its true. That is what I'm feeling and enduring right now. Honestly, I enjoy going to the court and meeting new people. In fact, I also enjoy preparing the cause papers and doing the research. What I hate is probably I don't know whether I can say this or not, but I think the reason I'm hating my days is because of this particular reason which I can't disclose. You know when you really want to say all the shitty things you've been through but you just can't because of hmm defamation?  I don't know whether I should say this or not but I had never met people as shitty, materialistic, crazy and shady as those I met these days. I mean they can be lawyers, clients, staffs or etc. Those who're particularly close to me would probably know. I mean I can say their names if I want to, it doesn't even matter because these are all facts and the truth but you know you gotta keep it low. See, it's so frustrating because I really want to talk about this so so bad and I think these should be lessons to everyone out there but I just can't because hmm I have no power. 

So regarding my career/work life all I can say is this;  When you decided to follow your dreams, take a good look at the path that I took. I leave my footsteps - Avoid them.

While writing this entry, I keep thinking and asking myself  about things that I'm currently okay with, or doing well. I try to list them down, but the paper remains white and new. I'm just bad at everything. I'm not doing well financially or in terms of money. I mean living in KL alone and to survive with that small allowance you received every month can only cover the basic necessities. But I keep telling myself "oh well, at least you didn't die. At least you still can pay your rents and utilities". That's all I can do, I have to keep telling myself that everything will be over once you're done with your chambering and become a lawyer. Better days are coming.


At the same time, this path has taken away the very reason I started running - my family. Once you start working, its hard to get cuti and you know balik kampung and all. Plus, I'm still chambering which means I am not allowed to take any cuti. If I do, I have to ganti them. Also, I'm actually having a crisis with my family which I think no one knows about it. I don't even share it with any of my best friends because I don't know I just feel like keeping it behind closed doors. You know as a human, you get stressed and emotional. I'm particularly as I mentioned above, very tired of everything. So as a result, I get mad at the smallest things. Then some people not understanding my situation calling me emotional and rude. Funny isn't it? When they're struggling, I watch myself, I avoid saying mean things just not to let them hurt. But when it comes to me, everyone expects me to be okay with it. Just because I act like I'm happy, doesn't mean that I am truly happy inside though.

Love life - still sucks.

I've been through a lot the past 24 years but nothing beats the dark days I'm facing right now. For once in 24 years of my life, I don't feel like living. It was that bad.  Every time I find myself crying alone I ask myself "Why are you like this?" "What are you doing with your life". Sometimes, I tell myself "Liyana, if its hard then let's give up and leave". There are days where I really really want to give up, but then to think about if; I have nothing on my sleeves, I got no money, I don't have a boyfriend, my friends are all far away, no one loves me. I'm all alone.

I don't want to say this but if I want to give up, I have to give up my whole life (read: die).

I still want to live though; at least for my mum and my sisters.