Why are you like this?

Life has been difficult.

Actually, I haven't been doing very well lately. I'm so tired of everything right now and I'm really really struggling. Looking back, the last two weeks were full of tears, I can't remember a day where I come home not crying in the toilet or a day passed by without me crying in the car. I feel like I'm not happy and I'm not doing well in anything. Its so frustrating and I'm so freaking frustrated with myself.

I remember reading somewhere that one of the biggest regrets for people at 40s or 50s is 'to stay at a job they hate'. I think its true. That is what I'm feeling and enduring right now. Honestly, I enjoy going to the court and meeting new people. In fact, I also enjoy preparing the cause papers and doing the research. What I hate is probably I don't know whether I can say this or not, but I think the reason I'm hating my days is because of this particular reason which I can't disclose. You know when you really want to say all the shitty things you've been through but you just can't because of hmm defamation?  I don't know whether I should say this or not but I had never met people as shitty, materialistic, crazy and shady as those I met these days. I mean they can be lawyers, clients, staffs or etc. Those who're particularly close to me would probably know. I mean I can say their names if I want to, it doesn't even matter because these are all facts and the truth but you know you gotta keep it low. See, it's so frustrating because I really want to talk about this so so bad and I think these should be lessons to everyone out there but I just can't because hmm I have no power. 

So regarding my career/work life all I can say is this;  When you decided to follow your dreams, take a good look at the path that I took. I leave my footsteps - Avoid them.

While writing this entry, I keep thinking and asking myself  about things that I'm currently okay with, or doing well. I try to list them down, but the paper remains white and new. I'm just bad at everything. I'm not doing well financially or in terms of money. I mean living in KL alone and to survive with that small allowance you received every month can only cover the basic necessities. But I keep telling myself "oh well, at least you didn't die. At least you still can pay your rents and utilities". That's all I can do, I have to keep telling myself that everything will be over once you're done with your chambering and become a lawyer. Better days are coming.


At the same time, this path has taken away the very reason I started running - my family. Once you start working, its hard to get cuti and you know balik kampung and all. Plus, I'm still chambering which means I am not allowed to take any cuti. If I do, I have to ganti them. Also, I'm actually having a crisis with my family which I think no one knows about it. I don't even share it with any of my best friends because I don't know I just feel like keeping it behind closed doors. You know as a human, you get stressed and emotional. I'm particularly as I mentioned above, very tired of everything. So as a result, I get mad at the smallest things. Then some people not understanding my situation calling me emotional and rude. Funny isn't it? When they're struggling, I watch myself, I avoid saying mean things just not to let them hurt. But when it comes to me, everyone expects me to be okay with it. Just because I act like I'm happy, doesn't mean that I am truly happy inside though.

Love life - still sucks.

I've been through a lot the past 24 years but nothing beats the dark days I'm facing right now. For once in 24 years of my life, I don't feel like living. It was that bad.  Every time I find myself crying alone I ask myself "Why are you like this?" "What are you doing with your life". Sometimes, I tell myself "Liyana, if its hard then let's give up and leave". There are days where I really really want to give up, but then to think about if; I have nothing on my sleeves, I got no money, I don't have a boyfriend, my friends are all far away, no one loves me. I'm all alone.

I don't want to say this but if I want to give up, I have to give up my whole life (read: die).

I still want to live though; at least for my mum and my sisters.