2017
Hmmm.
2017 was an eye opener. Initially when I started to look back at the year, all I can think about is all the bad things that happened, all the things that didn't work and how terrible the year was. I felt like it was a bad year and I failed myself. But you see it's easy to feel disappointed when all your focus was on the negativity and the bad things, the things that didn't happened or things that you wished to happen.
Looking back, I realized that I had spent majority of my year feeling unsure about a lot of things. Like I was not sure whether I can graduate on time, whether I want to do my chambering or not. I wasn't sure whether I want to be in a relationship or not, whether I can finish this that and a lot of other 'doubtful' moments. It took me quite some time to realize that the biggest problem is because I was unsure of myself. I was doubtful of my own capabilities, I didn't believe in myself. Then when I decided to just go for it, and take a leap of faith, things started to make sense. Things were tough but the harder the challenge gets, I find myself getting stronger and better. Sometimes I get surprised with the way I grow and handle things. So yeah maybe if I have to conclude, 2017 isn't that bad after all? I figured out that as much as these so called 'bad things' being thrown at me, I also get to experience as much or even more moments of great happiness.
I have no words to explain how much the last 12 months have meant to me, and how much I have learned from all the things that came across my path. It was a challenging but a memorable year. How should I describe it? It was a weird year too because someway somehow I was suffering from a lot of problems but at the same time I feel like there are great and enjoyable days as well. Like I'm living my best life and my worst life at the same time. Isn't it weird?
2017 have seen me evolving from being a law student to a working adult. At the beginning of 2017 until July 2017, I was just a normal student enjoying my final year with some friends. Then somewhere in August (14th August to be exact), I began my journey as a pupil at this one firm in KL. Now I'm on my way to 4 or 5 months of pupillage. The transition was fast and it feels almost weird and crazy to me but I believe that it is a compulsory process anyway. I say this all the time, I'm not really sure whether I want to continue practicing as a lawyer after I'm done with my chambering, but one thing I'm pretty sure is I'm going to finish this shit. Chambering is indeed tiring and I feel like quitting a lot but I keep telling myself to embrace it, brace yourself, you can do this. You are not a quitter, you're going to be just fine bla bla bla. The legal world is not as glorious or fun as I imagine it to be, but one thing for sure, it is such an interesting and full of valuable lessons. Things are tough but there are days where I feel like I made a good choice; to start my chambering. It really opens my eyes to a lot of things, mostly because of the fact that I get to see and meet a lot of people from various backgrounds. It also teaches me not to be judgmental. I mean people make mistakes but they don't deserve to be judged for that mistake for the rest of their life, its unfair.
In terms of my life in general, I would say that I have changed so much through out the last one year. I can't remember how and what kind of person I was in 2016 or on the first day of 2017 but I know that I've changed. Sometimes, I felt like I was not being myself and etc but then I realized that there's no such thing as 'permanent' or 'constant' in this world. People change and keep evolving depending on the time and situation. Maybe changing is the only constant thing. I hope I'll be a better person in 2018. I don't care what people say but in 2018 I'll focus on myself more. I had spent my whole life worrying about other people, this year 2018, I decided to be selfish. I'm going to spend more of my energy into improving myself, a better me insyaAllah.
I went through two heartbreaks in 2017 hahaha; one from the guy who hit my car (some people might knew about him) and another one recently. Not that recent anyway maybe somewhere in October/November. So yes I'm still healing. My friends keep advising me to forget them, I want to do that too but this whole heart thingy is so complicated. Healing is such a long process like some days you feel like you're broken and shattered in pieces but then other days you feel renewed. I'm totally over the guy who hit my car, I wish him nothing but happiness. I wrote few entries about him before, but I never wrote anything about the new guy I'm not even sure why probably I'm just too lazy to write or even think about guys anymore. They are all the same demons just different type of evil. Personally, I don't think I can ever trust my heart to any guy after everything that happened but then isn't it stupid? Why am I punishing myself for things that are clearly not my fault? I feel like I'm not giving myself the justice I deserved.
I want to hate myself for giving my precious time, love and efforts away to horrible people but someway somehow these so called 'relationships' have taught me a lot. It has taught me to appreciate love, and it makes me realize the depth of my love. At the same time, it has helped me to see my own character and it has shown me my own demons. So yup, I want to hate myself but I don't see a point in doing so. I made mistakes for trusting them, I acknowledge my mistakes. Lessons learnt, so just move on. Someway somehow, I am so thankful for the horrible experiences because I feel like I had cleansed toxic people from my life. I'm on my own now but it's fine, I'm all good.
I'm not sure the right words to describe how devastated and heartbroken and sad and unhappy I was. Like my heart was so broken and I felt like I can never trust people anymore. Even felt like everyone who's trying to know me has an ulterior motives. It took me quite some time to get over it and have faith in myself again. If you're going through the same situation as I did, let me tell you one thing; you'll get over it. There's no single person on this planet that is worth you laying awake at night feeling like you're not good enough. Not a single person. Love should be something beautiful, and if you're suffering then it's not love. Do not be mistaken.
Hahahahahaha feel like I'm getting emotional. Better stop now.
So in short, 2017 hmm isn't that bad, right?
What do you guys think?
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