Insecurities

"Have you ever question about us?".

"Question about us? Maksud you?"

"Hmmm meaning hmm I don't know like you question whether you're with the right person/not or something like you think that if you're not stuck with me, you might actually get someone better?"

With a dissapointing voice, he said "Why you cakap macam ni? I tak pernah terfikir. Bagi I you dah cukup dah. Kenapa you rasa kalau tak dengan I you can actually get someone better ke?"

My conversation with Firdaus last night.

These past few days, I macam paranoid gila and I really really hate this side of me. The thing is even if I'm like super paranoid and scared, there's nothing much I can do about that. The world will keep moving around and things won't stop just because you want so. Every time I feel like I'm being paranoid, I'll try to talk myself out of it like hey girl stop being so insecure you're just fine, stop overthinking and all bla bla bla, but knowing myself such thing is not easy. If you're like me you can probably relate. I macam hmm I can be a good advisor for other people's problems, but when it comes to myself I can be very much clueless. I forgive people easily for all their mistakes but I'm hard af on myself and the mistakes I did. When it comes to myself, I'll hold grudges against myself forever.

Maybe this is normal, maybe every girl feels the same way I do. I believe everyone at some point in their lives would wakes up in the middle of the night feeling that they are all alone, they have no one else to rely on, they will question everything that ever happens to them, they feel like nobody loves them and nobody will ever love them. I mean these thoughts didn't come across often, but sometimes they did. 

So yeah basically when I'm insecure I overthink about everything including my relationship with Firdaus. And its so easy to be paranoid especially because we're still new to this. Sometimes I wonder whether I have trust issues which I think I do. I mean thanks to all the shitty guys and heartbreaks I went through, I discovered that I need assertions (and consistency), like a lot. So kadang kadang macam me and Firdaus, we were talking about something else and then tiba-tiba I'll ask him "you sayang I kan?" and he will laugh at how random I can be. I don't know I'm just worried that he might leave, just like other guys. 

But don't get me wrong, most of the time I trust Firdaus hahahah I trust him so much that I get worried in case he change.  He's such a nice guy and he always make me feel happy and secure about a lot of things, especially about us. Sometimes I wonder whether I deserve such a lovely and kind guy? I mean I don't know; do I deserve him? Maybe.

But then looking back, I realize that there were few moments in my life yang macam I kenal people and then suddenly they said "I don't think we can be together, you're too good for me". The heck? You don't want someone nice/good, so you want someone bad is it? Is it wrong to be nice, I don't think so. And honestly, why do we treat nice/good people like they're parasite? Like it's wrong to be the nice one, you have to be the bad ones. Sama lah kadang-kadang, I saw my friends yang sooo nice and all, tapi selalu kena left with their partners or being mistreated. Tapi those yang macam tak berapa baik, amboii disayangi pulak. The world is weird, sometimes.

So do I deserve him? I think so. I mean I won't say I am the nicest person on the planet but I think I do have some nice traits (and some evil) in me. Firdaus well he's not perfect as well but I think so far, he's good. And while I'm writing this, I realize that actually the question is not whether I deserve him? I think the question I have in my mind is; whether I deserve to be this happy? These past few months with him really makes me happy. I enjoy his company, and his jokes and his laugh and our endless conversations. Maybe I rasa is it okay to be this happy? Because I don't think I ever be this happy before.

Okay, back to our conversation last night. When I asked him such questions, he was a bit macam shocked and disappointed kot. His voice changed. Honestly I felt so bad for asking such question but I don't know I thought I just wants him to know that I'm still adapting myself to us and there are still days yang I get insecure about us. But Fidaus, he's so calm and advise me not to be so negative. Panjang lebar he explains everything, and I don't know why but I feel so secure la with him. Macam he put all my insecurities away. And I'm so thankful for that.
 

" If you feel happy please don't push it away. You deserve to be happy, even if you're not used to it".

Graduation

Okay, where do I begin?

So as you guys know, I had ended my law school journey somewhere in June/August last year. However, the convocation was  only held recently which was on last Wednesday 11.04.2018 (going to remember this for the rest of my life hahahaha). Well actually I don't know why but it's almost like a culture that UiTM convocation will take place like months after you finish your degree. I mean well I'm not really complaining and to be honest, I'm not in the position to complain after all (even though I wait 8 months for my convocation) because I understand that such huge event would require a lot of hard work and planning beforehand. So yeah, I'm not bitter about it. In fact, I'm so thankful that at least we have the convocation going on because I get to meet all of my lovely friends, those I haven't see since the last 8 or 9 months? Plus, going back to Shah Alam and UiTM to be specific really makes me feel nostalgic. I mean I spent 4 years studying in Shah Alam of course I miss the place. Feel like I have memories at every corner, every restaurants, every mamak and every streets there. Good old days.

The convocation was fun and enjoyable. Everyone was so happy and smiling throughout the event. It was joyful and meaningful. It's the one day to celebrate the graduates who'd been through a lot of hardships and struggles for that one piece of certificate. When I was a student, I used to question myself a lot like 'is this really worth it?". I mean it's easy to doubt things including yourself when you're young, vulnerable and tired. I used to question what I did, I mean I was not sure whether these are going to work or is it really worth it. Worth what? Worth all the sleepless nights studying for exams, worth all the time I'd spent studying, reading and hafal all the cases, worth all the tears I had every time I failed any test or scored pretty badly in the exams, worth all the steps, efforts and sw I had to make every morning panjat bukit to bangunan AL? Is it worth all the efforts to keep myself awake in the 2-3 hours lecture, is it worth all the money that my parents had invested on me? Will it be okay? 

When I was studying, I question these a lot. After so many years, I finally had my answer. Yes, it is worth it. It is going to be worth it. That one piece of paper worth everything you can ever imagine. So I don't know how to explain it but if I can revert back time I won't tell my old self to quit because "its just a certificate anyway" instead I would tell my old self to hang it there, you're doing just fine and you'll be fine. I'm not saying that if you have your degree, you can do everything, the world is at your palm, you can move mountains bla bla bla those are to be honest not true at all! Then why is it worth it? Because for me that certificate is not about you know oh I finally graduated, I'm a lawyer now instead its a symbol of perseverance and hard work. It doesn't make me proud with the fact that I'm a law graduate but it makes me proud that I managed to win over everything and finally graduated. It's no secret that I've been through a lot of shit in my life and I'm so proud that regardless of the shitty things that I've been through, I still manage to graduate on time and with an okay result. I have my moments of weakness just like anyone else but overall I'm a pretty tough cookie. I pride myself on my determination and effort to beat my life obstacles, and not allow them to beat me. So yeah your girl is happy and proud :) 

I am also blessed with amazing support system; my family and friends. I won't consider my journey as a one man show instead my family and some amazing lovely friends have been the backbone of everything. They're the ones who keep pushing me to my fullest, who encourage me to do my very best and to always shower me with their endless love and support. To my family specifically my mum, thank you for being so supportive of my dreams. I'm super super thankful for that. To all my younger sisters helloooo your Kak Long finally made it guys! Hahahahaha. I say this all the time but those friends I met throughout my high school and law school journey gosh how should I describe them? They're probably the loveliest and kindest people I've ever meet. I can be stupid at times, but I'm so thankful that despite all my perangai and stupidity, they're so patient and kind to help. There were days where I were literally lacking emotionally, I was so tired, I had a lot of work to finish and assignments to be submitted and I had no money to survive but thank god they always offer me their hands. In fact I have friends who actually scold me for not leaning on them more often and I have friends who drop everything for me in times when I do reach for them. I always and forever will thank god for these blessings.

I want to write more but I think hmmm this is pretty long already. So I have to end this here. If your name is not mentioned here but you know that you've been supporting me and helping me at times when I was in need, please don't feel bad about yourself. I'm really really sorry for that.My bad. Unfortunately, I'm also a human and I tend to forget sometimes. I mean I try to make this as general as I can because if I have to list everyone and everything, this post is going to be super long. Whoever you are out there who'd been rooting for me, supporting, praying and loving me for the last 24 years, thank you so much. I won't be here without all of you. Thank you. Really, thank you so so much.

And here are the pictures I had taken with my family and friends before, during and after my graduation:

 

 

  

Hopefully, this is the beginning of higher and greater achievements. Aminn.

Thanks:)

Love

Yeap, you read the title right.

Okay, hmmm how am I suppose to begin.

To be honest with you guys, I was thinking of writing about this probably since two or three weeks ago. I mean I tried to write few entries but I don't know I just can't finish them. Maybe it's just me, I was afraid of writing something so important (its important to me), I was worried just in case this is just temporary and well if you read my blog you would probably know that this girl here is super paranoid about a lot of things. It really took me quite some time to finally make up my mind about this. I always tell him that I'm afraid he might leave, I'm also worried that whatever feeling I have in my heart right now might be temporary but he told me to have faith that this is going somewhere, and just pray that we're going to be just fine. He's just sweet like that. 

So yes guys, I finally have someone special. I actually wants to write 'boyfriend' but it feels so weird for me to utter or even write such a word. That feels super cringey especially that coming from me hahaha. 

So hmmm his name is Firdaus. He's not a lawyer, not a law student and he's actually in a totally different field compared to mine. As a result, we're so different in character and  I can say in almost everything. He likes things that I never bother about and we're both passionate about different stuffs but so far I think we're quite okay. I would consider myself as a serious person, I don't take life and whatever happens in between for granted, as a result I'm quite on the boring side. My life are all about my family, few close friends and my work. Well, Firdaus is like a total opposite of mine. He's funny, he likes to make jokes and he's very sociable if I may say so. I mean he's always out lepak-ing with his friends during weekend and me on the other hand, always in my room; either sleeping or reading or writing. Boring stuffs. We are very different, like so different. I actually never thought that I'm going to meet such a funny and kind guy. They say, you'll fall in love with those similar to you so all my life I'd been thinking that oh god my partner is going to be as dull, mundane and boring as I am but it turns out that taraaa he's different. So far, I'm pretty much happy and I like his jokes. I like his funny side even though I always tell him that his jokes are annoying and I can't stand them but honestly being funny is a plus though hahaha. 

When I first met him of course he wasn't showing his clown-funny side so I was like hmm yeah okay. We just consider each other as friends. Then after some time, you get to know the person better, they opened up to you and you start to do the same. We've known each other since October last year, yes almost like 5, 6 months ago but I think we decided to be serious about each other since I think last month? I can't specifically remember hahaha tak romantic nya Liyana hahaha because it feels like forever okay. Yeah, we're still new, I mean we've been friends-but-more-than-friends for so long, only recently we decided to like take it serious. Actually, I was the one who initiated this. I mean I knew since the very beginning that he likes me but he never say a thing. I was like how can this guy be like this lah? Can't you just be honest? I get frustrated so I asked haha which I'm quite thankful that I did. There's a lot of things that happened in between which I am not keen to share it yet but I think gradually I will, one fine day. 

Love is beautiful. I say this all the time. I believe that we all need love; and all these while I know that I am so lucky because I'm always blessed with so much love from my family, my parents, friends, my younger sisters and few other people I met along the journey. Not to mention, the most important and valuable love I'd received for the last 24 years is God's love, always beautiful and meaningful. If I have to be honest with you guys, I had only found myself loving God recently. I mean I pray and do all the compulsory stuffs but I never really like put any interest or effort to really really understand what I'm doing. I just do all the amalan because I was taught to do so since I was a child and my ustaz and ustazah used to remind us that if we don't do things that we're required to, we had sinned God and we're going to go to hell.  Also, as I was born in quite a conservative circle I was taught not to question things that Allah had asked us to do which I didn't really get the point behind it. I mean sometimes I just want to know why I can't do this and I can't do that but my ustaz and ustazah were like "don't question stuffs, just do whatever Allah has ordered us to do. If not nanti 'terpesong akidah" but I don't see it that way. As a human, the God has granted us the ability to think and with time we're going to question things because we wants to know why. The thing is God always have perfect reasons behind whatever He has ordered us to do or not to do, but the fellow humans just make it complicated. Allah is Al Rahman Al Rahim (Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang) and He loves his servant, God's love is real. I don't think He will dump us in Hell just because we wants to know better. I don't see a wrong in wondering why because if you are really a thinking Muslim, of course you wants to know certain things better. That doesn't make you a bad Muslim though. So anyway although it is quite shameful but yeah I had to admit I had only found my true love for God recently, I know it took me quite some time for this but I'm glad I did. Now I'm at peace. 

Its already 12am, and I need to sleep. Tomorrow is Monday and I need to go to work. But I'll try to write more often if I can. InsyaAllah.