"You're not pretty enough"

A friend of mine came to me and share her stories about how the world makes her feel like she's not enough like you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough and that makes you don't deserve certain things in life. It was sad and to be honest, I find that really relatable. I used to had exactly the same thoughts about myself. Of course I am in a better state and a lot happier now, but there used to be time or moments in my life where I felt really useless and my self esteem was at rock bottom.

Even though I love to wear pretty make up and nice clothes just to look presentable and professional. I discover that for many reasons, looks are not everything for me. I did my very best to never put physical appearance as the most important factor in most of my decision making. When it comes to friends or people I want to keep in my life, I always minus away their look and look beyond that, their personalities and attitudes matter most to me.

However, as much as I keep telling myself that "beauty isn't everything, it's what on the inside that counts" mantra, there were few moments that really snapped me off. Based on my previous few posts I wrote about how I had gained so much weight and that was kind of stressful. I'm working to lose them down but that is not something I can lose overnight. While some people understand that, there are still some people who don't and use that against me. I mean don't get me wrong, I am okay with constructive advices if you're really genuine in advising, by all means I really appreciate that. But some people are hmm nasty and rude. Even though I try to maintain my composure and make jokes about their nasty and unnecessary remarks, deep inside I was still hurt by it.

To be completely honest, I have heard more than enough comments on my appearance and my weight that I if I ever pile them up, I could probably build mountains hahaha. I had people telling me straight on my face that I'm fat or I'm ugly. Some even told me that I had wasted my pretty face because of the weight gain like "kesian muka lawa tapi gemuk" or "you better lose weight because you're pretty, so sayang" kind of stuff. But for me, the saddest comment I ever get was when people look at me pitifully and told me that "wow you had really let yourself go is it?". That was really really heartbreaking. I don't know maybe to some people, gaining weight or being fat is the worst part of living.


"You had really let yourself go" is I don't know macam the saddest remark la I had ever received. How could they said that? I clearly wasn't giving up on my life and my body. It's just that I wasn't healthy I know but I wasn't giving up, at all. And then at that time, masa tu I was so low in self confidence and I didn't say anything to that person. In fact, I said nothing to all those people who comment on my appearance. Why I did that? I should have said something. I should have get mad. How can they comment on my looks like that? Do they have to be so rude? I didn't say anything about their look, but they have the heart to comment on me? Are you that perfect you can point fingers to people's flaws? Seriously, I should have scolded them, at least I won't feel bad for myself for tolerating such rudeness.

I did try to keep myself together, act like nothing hurts and I was not bothered by the comments or remarks made, but I am still a human. My self confidence and self esteem was totally ruined. I had cried countless tears over the fact that I'm too chubby, too imperfect. I’ve compared myself. I’ve clung to the words of harsh people who told me I wasn’t pretty. It was really a struggle.

Also, I had like a guy who used to dump me because of my weight, because I'm fat. One day, he act distance and when I asked him why he's acting like that, he told me because let me quote "I takut bila I tengok size you makin bertambah. I punya impian actually nak cari perempuan yang kurus". Isn't it crazy? Like I was dumped because of my weight? That is something that I can never imagine to happen, movies finally feel so real hahaha. And because at that time, I had really low self esteem, I did thought that yeah because I'm fat, I deserve such treatment. Crazy. People treat me badly and I still thought that it was okay? I remember telling few of my close friends about it, they were so mad about what the guy said but me on the other hand, me hmm I was kind of accepting it. Looking back I feel like I was really really really stupid. I didn't have any self worth is it?

I can't express how stressful life was at that time. I was struggling with work and few issues, and I had people coming to me on my weight rudely. I wasn't joking when I said that my self confidence was at rock bottom. I wasn't happy with my weight and I wasn't happy with life in general. And you know because people kept telling you that you aren't pretty, you're ugly, you're fat, gradually I started to take those as the truth. I started to think that because I didn't look physically pretty then I am not worth it, my inside is bad as well. What I did? I stopped enjoying life. Life at that time was just a passing point, I wasn't thinking about trying to improving my life because even survival was tough enough. I also stopped doing things I enjoy. I stopped taking photos of me. I stopped going out with friends because I was so ashamed of the way I look. I wasn't happy and was so harsh on myself.

Then one day ( after so long of being unhappy and stressed), I started to question myself. How long do I plan on living this unhappy life? Is this the end for me? Like I really have no future anymore? I had really and truly give up? Why am I so bothered with other people? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Is is because I don't believe in myself? Why do I allow people's comments to ruin me? Have I become that insecure of myself that I crave for people's opinions of me and believe in what they say, more than what I I think of myself? Why do I perceive myself from the perspectives of others? Why do I have so much hate for myself? Do I deserve this hate, from myself?

A lot of things happened in between, like really a lot of things. But I want to express my gratitude and just thank you to few friends who were so supportive and keep telling me to be positive. Based on those constructive and loving advices, I started to change. I started to believe and loving myself again. I started to be the positive Liyana again, and I began to reject negativity to peek in.


"You might not have a perfect body, you're not stick thin but that doesn't make you less than perfect. You are amazing Liyana, you have an amazing personality and an amazing heart. You're going to do good things, you're going to be better. All the bad things people said about you are not necessarily true. You're fine, you're beautiful in your own way".

That was an eye opener. 


Like I said earlier, I am a lot better now. Am I happy with my life? My answer is, I think for now as in today now at this moment, yes I am happy with my life.  After everything that I have been through, I can tell for sure that I am happy with where I am and the progress I did to improve my life. Even though I am nowhere near perfect but I still think that I am doing okay. I have a life long enough to fill with experiences and good moments worth living, I don't see a point in why I should let negativity seeks into it. I also would like to believe that I  am pretty, its just that I am working out and eating healthy and to lose weight to look and feel better. 

They say when people say bad things about you, chances are they are not happy with their lives. Therefore, to everyone who used to talk bad stuffs about me, I genuinely hope you're happy.

Have a good day !

One year later...

It has been a year.

When I first came across Firdaus last year, I didn't know that there's something about this guy, that one day he's going to be someone special to my heart. And through out the early days of our relationship, I still remember the feeling of uncertain about love and us in general, I wasn't expecting this relationship to work out. I mean yeah I like him but after few heartbreaks I learn that liking and loving are two different things altogether. In fact, I didn't even expect to be in a relationship with this weirdo annoying guy at the first place. But you know things happened, and now we've been some sort of together for one year. Well, actually I won't say that we've been together for one year because we actually decided to be serious about our relationship around February or March but because we first know each other around middle September last year so we tend to relate to the September one more than the actual day. 

Being with Firdaus has been hmmm..painful? Hahaha just kidding. Being with Firdaus has been very lovely and to be honest, I think I couldn't be happier than this. I wasn't in a lot of relationships before this because I've been busy with studies and other commitments but I can definitely and confidently say this for sure, he's the best guy I ever come across. Well, I could be saying this because he's my special one but to compare him with the previous guys I ever get myself involved with in terms of relationship thingy, he's definitely way better. I don't know how to describe him because he's just who he is. He's funny, a bit dorky sometimes, but very soft spoken and he's so patient. I mean if you can handle my emotional moody crazy bitch all day tantrum side then you're truly patient because even me myself hate and can't handle that side of me.

Looking back at our early days, I remember replying to his questions in english out of habit and he did reply with a lot of like grammatical errors and wrong use of words and at that point of time, that was a total no no for me. I don't know about you guys, but we all have this one thing we really seek in someone and for me, it has always been a dream of mine, to find a guy who can speak good english and who writes in you know good grammar. Not just english but also BM. I prefer someone who writes in proper sentence, no short forms and you know just normal formal way of writing. It might seems macam mehh that's easy but to be honest, its very rare to find people including guys who write in full proper words or sentences like that. I'm just skema like that and I know such a weird thing to look into for your partner. And it's such a petty thing but I remembered telling myself that I don't like this guy because he writes like that, he uses short forms and he's not good in english but you know after a while I don't know what and how it all happens, but I get pass that.

If you ask me I genuinely feel grateful that I didn't totally reject him for that because if I did, I will lose myself such a nice guy. I think gradually I pass that, I started to see him more than the way he types hahahahaha and it has open my eyes to a lot of good things about him. Okay even though he types like that which is not my liking but he's very funny, caring and he makes me happy. That's very important. Sometimes deep inside I feel like a loser because how can I be so judgemental? Just because someone doesn't speak english very well or he writes in short forms, doesn't mean that the person is not good. And well, I am not perfect too. I make a lot of grammatical errors, spelling errors, punctuation and even use short forms once in a while. Every time I did that, I justify myself by saying 'its okay we're human. We make mistakes, its part of life'. So yeah, like I can tolerate those things on me but I want my partner to be perfect? Isn't it too much?

And thing about Firdaus is that he always wants to improve himself. That is something I don't really find in a lot of people. Sometimes, we say oh its okay to a lot of things, we reject improvements because we're too comfortable. But the Firdaus I know always wants to improve himself, his knowledge, his skills and his life in general. I remember him asking me to correct his english if he ever make any mistake and how he encourage us to communicate in english because he wants to improve his language. I really like that part of him. He knows he's lacking, he's not ashamed to admit that and he wants to improve. I kind of admire that side of him because I tend to be egoistic sometimes and I don't really admit my mistakes but now since I'm with him, I'm learning and trying to break the walls and admit that I could be wrong or I could be lacking in this or that area and stuffs like that.

Relationship has never been easier. Actually, one of the reasons why I didn't get myself involved in a lot of relationships before, why I choose to be single is because I used to think that relationships are just very complicated and I don't need another drama in my life (my life is already dramatic on its own lol). But so far being with Firdaus, we always talk about it and we always say 'why la I tak jumpa you awal awal dulu?" , we wish we came across each other earlier than we did because to be honest, our relationship is so simple. I'm glad that I find someone I can actually communicate with, and if he say or do something that I don't like, I can talk to him about it. Communication is very important and that has been the key to our relationship I guess. Like I'll ask him first, when he gives his lawak answers or he's not serious, I'll tell him I'm not joking tell me why you did that, then we talk about it. For me, I always try to listen to his point of view and try to understand that before I counter with my beliefs and where I stand about one particular problem. To be honest, it used to be difficult because you know I have this competitive side where I always wants to win (that probably because I'm the eldest and I study law) so yeah it's really difficult when you listen with intention to reply or to rebut, not with the intention to understand. Once I change my mindset then things work out better.

Also, I'm very grateful because Firdaus is quite matured. I mean yes he's a bit on the funny side but he knows when he needs to be serious, when it's not proper to joke around (ps: well actually, he kinda clueless a bit la awal awal dulu, he used to joke around about everything literally everything then sis educate dia now he's better hahahaha). And maybe because of our age, we kinda passed the stage where we get like overly clingy, overly jealous with each other. We still get jealous maybe not we, I still get jealous but I think its tolerable. In the end, I always tell myself if he really love me then he's going to stay, he's not going to do things he shouldn't be doing. And if he ever do something that he should not be doing, then maybe he's just not for me. I pray for a good guy, if he did something hmm bad then maybe he's not for me.


There's so many things I can write about my little journey with Firdaus, I can talk about his obsession with his new car or my emotional staple sentence "you pergi la kawan dengan dia" and how it works but I think this post is quite long already. So I better stop myself, save some for other days. Also, let me give a disclaimer that I am not writing this to make people jealous or envy me, Firdaus or our relationship nor do I want people to admire us #relationshipgoals stuffs like that. To be honest, I just want people to wish us good stuffs only. We're not perfect and our relationship is still very young and we're still pretty much getting to know each other. I'm just merely sharing and I think I deserve to share my happiness here because I want to be as genuine as I can. I did share some sad or bad experiences I come across before, therefore allow me to enjoy this little happiness of mine with all of you guys too. And if there's any part of my post here makes you feel like hateful or uncomfortable, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean that. Maybe somewhere while I was typing this story, I got carried away then you might find it 'too much' or annoying, I'm really sorry for that. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm still new to this maybe you think writing this much about someone might be too much I don't know people have different views on it. Sorry.


Last but not least, other than all this relationship thingy, I am also very very glad that I am not who I was a year ago and that brings me so much peace. A year ago, I was struggling with so many things but I'm glad that everything is getting better now. I hope everyone reading this is having a better day, and in a better place than you used to be.

Fitness Update #1

I really feel like giving up. 

So last two months I was so into fitness, losing weight, diet and workout thingy which is kind of the very reason why I wrote my previous blog post. But to be honest, life has not been easy. I am still pretty much struggling with it, with working out and eating healthy in general.

To make things worse, two weeks ago I sprained my ankle while moving things from old house to my new house. As a result, I cannot work out and has to stop the so called progress I've been doing all these while. I can't even walk. And I was emotional because of the pain, my left leg mostly around the ankle was so swollen I have to take medical leave for that. Walking was such a pain, so to work out was a total no-no obviously. You know they say workout is just 20% and another 80% is diet, which I should have kept that in mind. However me being me, I literally eat like crazy. And because of the pain, I mostly resort to fast food because its easy I just have to drive thru and less walking means less pain. Looking back I feel so stupid now, I should just keep progressing. 

So now, its pretty much like I'm starting all over again. Just because I have no self control. To be honest Liyana, why you have no discipline girl? Two days ago, I started my normal everyday 1000 jumping ropes and to be honest it was crazy. That's like my first exercise I did after that my unfortunate leg incident and it feels like forever. I think thing about exercising is they always feel difficult at first, but if you just ignore that and do it anyway, you kinda feel that satisfaction. When I did my 1000 jumping ropes, I told myself okay Liyana lets just do this for 200, then I continue to 400 then 600, 800 and then I told myself oh come on just another 200. Then I did 1000! I actually didn't plan to do that in full 1000 jumps because I don't want to pressure my leg but oh well. 

That's pretty much what I did two days ago, but then last night I didn't work out because I was so tired. I don't know la I always say I'm tired but why am I tired at the first place again? Then I didn't work out and I eat dinner (which I told myself no dinner anymore only fruits) then I feel bad for my body. Just how I felt every time I have mcd or kfc, but urghhh I still did it. Me iz stupid. 

Today, I have to work out. My plan is to do like a 100 days challenge. 100 days of work out and eating healthy challenge. Let's see how it goes. Wish me luck !