"You're not pretty enough"

A friend of mine came to me and share her stories about how the world makes her feel like she's not enough like you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough and that makes you don't deserve certain things in life. It was sad and to be honest, I find that really relatable. I used to had exactly the same thoughts about myself. Of course I am in a better state and a lot happier now, but there used to be time or moments in my life where I felt really useless and my self esteem was at rock bottom.

Even though I love to wear pretty make up and nice clothes just to look presentable and professional. I discover that for many reasons, looks are not everything for me. I did my very best to never put physical appearance as the most important factor in most of my decision making. When it comes to friends or people I want to keep in my life, I always minus away their look and look beyond that, their personalities and attitudes matter most to me.

However, as much as I keep telling myself that "beauty isn't everything, it's what on the inside that counts" mantra, there were few moments that really snapped me off. Based on my previous few posts I wrote about how I had gained so much weight and that was kind of stressful. I'm working to lose them down but that is not something I can lose overnight. While some people understand that, there are still some people who don't and use that against me. I mean don't get me wrong, I am okay with constructive advices if you're really genuine in advising, by all means I really appreciate that. But some people are hmm nasty and rude. Even though I try to maintain my composure and make jokes about their nasty and unnecessary remarks, deep inside I was still hurt by it.

To be completely honest, I have heard more than enough comments on my appearance and my weight that I if I ever pile them up, I could probably build mountains hahaha. I had people telling me straight on my face that I'm fat or I'm ugly. Some even told me that I had wasted my pretty face because of the weight gain like "kesian muka lawa tapi gemuk" or "you better lose weight because you're pretty, so sayang" kind of stuff. But for me, the saddest comment I ever get was when people look at me pitifully and told me that "wow you had really let yourself go is it?". That was really really heartbreaking. I don't know maybe to some people, gaining weight or being fat is the worst part of living.


"You had really let yourself go" is I don't know macam the saddest remark la I had ever received. How could they said that? I clearly wasn't giving up on my life and my body. It's just that I wasn't healthy I know but I wasn't giving up, at all. And then at that time, masa tu I was so low in self confidence and I didn't say anything to that person. In fact, I said nothing to all those people who comment on my appearance. Why I did that? I should have said something. I should have get mad. How can they comment on my looks like that? Do they have to be so rude? I didn't say anything about their look, but they have the heart to comment on me? Are you that perfect you can point fingers to people's flaws? Seriously, I should have scolded them, at least I won't feel bad for myself for tolerating such rudeness.

I did try to keep myself together, act like nothing hurts and I was not bothered by the comments or remarks made, but I am still a human. My self confidence and self esteem was totally ruined. I had cried countless tears over the fact that I'm too chubby, too imperfect. I’ve compared myself. I’ve clung to the words of harsh people who told me I wasn’t pretty. It was really a struggle.

Also, I had like a guy who used to dump me because of my weight, because I'm fat. One day, he act distance and when I asked him why he's acting like that, he told me because let me quote "I takut bila I tengok size you makin bertambah. I punya impian actually nak cari perempuan yang kurus". Isn't it crazy? Like I was dumped because of my weight? That is something that I can never imagine to happen, movies finally feel so real hahaha. And because at that time, I had really low self esteem, I did thought that yeah because I'm fat, I deserve such treatment. Crazy. People treat me badly and I still thought that it was okay? I remember telling few of my close friends about it, they were so mad about what the guy said but me on the other hand, me hmm I was kind of accepting it. Looking back I feel like I was really really really stupid. I didn't have any self worth is it?

I can't express how stressful life was at that time. I was struggling with work and few issues, and I had people coming to me on my weight rudely. I wasn't joking when I said that my self confidence was at rock bottom. I wasn't happy with my weight and I wasn't happy with life in general. And you know because people kept telling you that you aren't pretty, you're ugly, you're fat, gradually I started to take those as the truth. I started to think that because I didn't look physically pretty then I am not worth it, my inside is bad as well. What I did? I stopped enjoying life. Life at that time was just a passing point, I wasn't thinking about trying to improving my life because even survival was tough enough. I also stopped doing things I enjoy. I stopped taking photos of me. I stopped going out with friends because I was so ashamed of the way I look. I wasn't happy and was so harsh on myself.

Then one day ( after so long of being unhappy and stressed), I started to question myself. How long do I plan on living this unhappy life? Is this the end for me? Like I really have no future anymore? I had really and truly give up? Why am I so bothered with other people? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Is is because I don't believe in myself? Why do I allow people's comments to ruin me? Have I become that insecure of myself that I crave for people's opinions of me and believe in what they say, more than what I I think of myself? Why do I perceive myself from the perspectives of others? Why do I have so much hate for myself? Do I deserve this hate, from myself?

A lot of things happened in between, like really a lot of things. But I want to express my gratitude and just thank you to few friends who were so supportive and keep telling me to be positive. Based on those constructive and loving advices, I started to change. I started to believe and loving myself again. I started to be the positive Liyana again, and I began to reject negativity to peek in.


"You might not have a perfect body, you're not stick thin but that doesn't make you less than perfect. You are amazing Liyana, you have an amazing personality and an amazing heart. You're going to do good things, you're going to be better. All the bad things people said about you are not necessarily true. You're fine, you're beautiful in your own way".

That was an eye opener. 


Like I said earlier, I am a lot better now. Am I happy with my life? My answer is, I think for now as in today now at this moment, yes I am happy with my life.  After everything that I have been through, I can tell for sure that I am happy with where I am and the progress I did to improve my life. Even though I am nowhere near perfect but I still think that I am doing okay. I have a life long enough to fill with experiences and good moments worth living, I don't see a point in why I should let negativity seeks into it. I also would like to believe that I  am pretty, its just that I am working out and eating healthy and to lose weight to look and feel better. 

They say when people say bad things about you, chances are they are not happy with their lives. Therefore, to everyone who used to talk bad stuffs about me, I genuinely hope you're happy.

Have a good day !