Happy

I think even after 24 years of life, I haven't really know myself yet. I mean sometimes I surprise myself, I do things which I thought I would never do. Beyond my comfort zone, things I would never ever think of doing hahaha not even in my wildest dreams. Yet someway somehow, I did it. Knowing myself, I would consider myself on passive-timid side. I always adore those who are 'dare to dreams' because this girl right here is super afraid of a lot of things. Well actually, I'm afraid of failures and me being me, always have high expectations on certain things. That's why these days, I try to play it cool and you know what just go with the flow! I may control myself, but I can't control other people, I can't control the universe. I just encouraged myself to worry less and enjoy the moments. I decided to just live life as it is, not easy but I'm trying though.

Okay now I'm not sure where this post is going. 

But as much as I'm trying to change myself for the better, I figured out that I have less time to write or express myself. Maybe because I'm just busy with work and other stuffs which require my ultimate attention but its kinda sad that I can't write as smooth or often as I used to. 

I also figured out that I can't write that well when I'm happy. You know when you're in a good mood, things are going well, everyday is rainbow and marshmallows kinda day? I think I write better when I'm sad and gloomy. Its just that the words flow better and more natural when I'm sad. Weird.

For example, I wrote my last entry entitled 'Why are you like this?" when I was freaking sad. In fact, I cried tons while writing that. Not to mention all my tears before I wrote that entry (so drama I know). I was so sad and lonely at that moment, I was so gloomy. I had so much problems at that time, my heart and mind weren't at ease. I even thought something so negative like you know what, what's the point of living if you're suffering. I didn't try to kill myself or being suicidal (mintak dijauhkan) but I really really question myself a lot at that moment. I asked God a lot of things, I wonder if He really loves me, why am I suffering and not happy? Then you know people used to say, God's mercy is real and God's plans are always beautiful because the next day after my post and my sleepless night, Allah blessed me with a lot of beautiful things. I got the answers for all my sadness in a very short time. Then I feel bad, I mean as his servant I should not act like that. Who am I questioning things? Padahal Allah dah clearly said "what is meant to be will always be" and He won't test a human beyond his/her limits. I was the one who needs Him, He doesn't need me. I guess that is what happened when I get so negative, but I'm so happy because Allah really showed me that He's always with me, I can't see him but He's there rooting for me, for you and for all of us.

So yeah again back to the topic. It was quite easier for me to write that entry. I mean I'm not saying that it is my best or favourite writing but if I have to say myself, I feel like I was being honest with what I wrote. I was so so much easier for me to write that kind of writing when I'm feeling down compared to when I'm happy.

I really don't know the purpose of this entry, I mean I'm not sure what you're trying to say girl. Maybe what I'm trying to portray here is I'm okay. I dah okay. Things passed by and I'm doing way better now, Alhamdulillah. Looking back more than one month has passed since my last emotional entry hahaha haihhh so drama.

I'll try to share more happy stuffs as well. InsyaAllah.

Why are you like this?

Life has been difficult.

Actually, I haven't been doing very well lately. I'm so tired of everything right now and I'm really really struggling. Looking back, the last two weeks were full of tears, I can't remember a day where I come home not crying in the toilet or a day passed by without me crying in the car. I feel like I'm not happy and I'm not doing well in anything. Its so frustrating and I'm so freaking frustrated with myself.

I remember reading somewhere that one of the biggest regrets for people at 40s or 50s is 'to stay at a job they hate'. I think its true. That is what I'm feeling and enduring right now. Honestly, I enjoy going to the court and meeting new people. In fact, I also enjoy preparing the cause papers and doing the research. What I hate is probably I don't know whether I can say this or not, but I think the reason I'm hating my days is because of this particular reason which I can't disclose. You know when you really want to say all the shitty things you've been through but you just can't because of hmm defamation?  I don't know whether I should say this or not but I had never met people as shitty, materialistic, crazy and shady as those I met these days. I mean they can be lawyers, clients, staffs or etc. Those who're particularly close to me would probably know. I mean I can say their names if I want to, it doesn't even matter because these are all facts and the truth but you know you gotta keep it low. See, it's so frustrating because I really want to talk about this so so bad and I think these should be lessons to everyone out there but I just can't because hmm I have no power. 

So regarding my career/work life all I can say is this;  When you decided to follow your dreams, take a good look at the path that I took. I leave my footsteps - Avoid them.

While writing this entry, I keep thinking and asking myself  about things that I'm currently okay with, or doing well. I try to list them down, but the paper remains white and new. I'm just bad at everything. I'm not doing well financially or in terms of money. I mean living in KL alone and to survive with that small allowance you received every month can only cover the basic necessities. But I keep telling myself "oh well, at least you didn't die. At least you still can pay your rents and utilities". That's all I can do, I have to keep telling myself that everything will be over once you're done with your chambering and become a lawyer. Better days are coming.


At the same time, this path has taken away the very reason I started running - my family. Once you start working, its hard to get cuti and you know balik kampung and all. Plus, I'm still chambering which means I am not allowed to take any cuti. If I do, I have to ganti them. Also, I'm actually having a crisis with my family which I think no one knows about it. I don't even share it with any of my best friends because I don't know I just feel like keeping it behind closed doors. You know as a human, you get stressed and emotional. I'm particularly as I mentioned above, very tired of everything. So as a result, I get mad at the smallest things. Then some people not understanding my situation calling me emotional and rude. Funny isn't it? When they're struggling, I watch myself, I avoid saying mean things just not to let them hurt. But when it comes to me, everyone expects me to be okay with it. Just because I act like I'm happy, doesn't mean that I am truly happy inside though.

Love life - still sucks.

I've been through a lot the past 24 years but nothing beats the dark days I'm facing right now. For once in 24 years of my life, I don't feel like living. It was that bad.  Every time I find myself crying alone I ask myself "Why are you like this?" "What are you doing with your life". Sometimes, I tell myself "Liyana, if its hard then let's give up and leave". There are days where I really really want to give up, but then to think about if; I have nothing on my sleeves, I got no money, I don't have a boyfriend, my friends are all far away, no one loves me. I'm all alone.

I don't want to say this but if I want to give up, I have to give up my whole life (read: die).

I still want to live though; at least for my mum and my sisters.

2017; a short summary

2017 

Hmmm.

2017 was an eye opener. Initially when I started to look back at the year, all I can think about is all the bad things that happened, all the things that didn't work and how terrible the year was. I felt like it was a bad year and I failed myself. But you see it's easy to feel disappointed when all your focus was on the negativity and the bad things, the things that didn't happened or things that you wished to happen. 

Looking back, I realized that I had spent majority of my year feeling unsure about a lot of things. Like I was not sure whether I can graduate on time, whether I want to do my chambering or not. I wasn't sure whether I want to be in a relationship or not, whether I can finish this that and a lot of other 'doubtful' moments. It took me quite some time to realize that the biggest problem is because I was unsure of myself. I was doubtful of my own capabilities, I didn't believe in myself. Then when I decided to just go for it, and take a leap of faith, things started to make sense. Things were tough but the harder the challenge gets, I find myself getting stronger and better. Sometimes I get surprised with the way I grow and handle things. So yeah maybe if I have to conclude, 2017 isn't that bad after all? I figured out that as much as these so called 'bad things' being thrown at me, I also get to experience as much or even more moments of great happiness.

I have no words to explain how much the last 12 months have meant to me, and how much I have learned from all the things that came across my path. It was a challenging but a memorable year. How should I describe it? It was a weird year too because someway somehow I was suffering from a lot of problems but at the same time I feel like there are great and enjoyable days as well. Like I'm living my best life and my worst life at the same time. Isn't it weird?

2017 have seen me evolving from being a law student to a working adult. At the beginning of 2017 until July 2017, I was just a normal student enjoying my final year with some friends. Then somewhere in August (14th August to be exact), I began my journey as a pupil at this one firm in KL. Now I'm on my way to 4 or 5 months of pupillage. The transition was fast and it feels almost weird and crazy to me but I believe that it is a compulsory process anyway. I say this all the time, I'm not really sure whether I want to continue practicing as a lawyer after I'm done with my chambering, but one thing I'm pretty sure is I'm going to finish this shit. Chambering is indeed tiring and I feel like quitting a lot but I keep telling myself to embrace it, brace yourself, you can do this. You are not a quitter, you're going to be just fine bla bla bla. The legal world is not as glorious or fun as I imagine it to be, but one thing for sure, it is such an interesting and full of valuable lessons. Things are tough but there are days where I feel like I made a good choice; to start my chambering. It really opens my eyes to a lot of things, mostly because of the fact that I get to see and meet a lot of people from various backgrounds. It also teaches me not to be judgmental. I mean people make mistakes but they don't deserve to be judged for that mistake for the rest of their life, its unfair.

In terms of my life in general, I would say that I have changed so much through out the last one year. I can't remember how and what kind of person I was in 2016 or on the first day of 2017 but I know that I've changed. Sometimes, I felt like I was not being myself and etc but then I realized that there's no such thing as 'permanent' or 'constant' in this world. People change and keep evolving depending on the time and situation. Maybe changing is the only constant thing. I hope I'll be a better person in 2018. I don't care what people say but in 2018 I'll focus on myself more. I had spent my whole life worrying about other people, this year 2018, I decided to be selfish. I'm going to spend more of my energy into improving myself, a better me insyaAllah.

I went through two heartbreaks in 2017 hahaha; one from the guy who hit my car (some people might knew about him) and another one recently. Not that recent anyway maybe somewhere in October/November. So yes I'm still healing. My friends keep advising me to forget them, I want to do that too but this whole heart thingy is so complicated. Healing is such a long process like some days you feel like you're broken and shattered in pieces but then other days you feel renewed. I'm totally over the guy who hit my car, I wish him nothing but happiness. I wrote few entries about him before, but I never wrote anything about the new guy I'm not even sure why probably I'm just too lazy to write or even think about guys anymore. They are all the same demons just different type of evil.  Personally, I don't think I can ever trust my heart to any guy after everything that happened but then isn't it stupid? Why am I punishing myself for things that are clearly not my fault? I feel like I'm not giving myself the justice I deserved.

I want to hate myself for giving my precious time, love and efforts away to horrible people but someway somehow these so called 'relationships'  have taught me a lot. It has taught me to appreciate love, and it makes me realize the depth of my love. At the same time, it has helped me to see my own character and it has shown me my own demons. So yup, I want to hate myself but I don't see a point in doing so. I made mistakes for trusting them, I acknowledge my mistakes. Lessons learnt, so just move on. Someway somehow, I am so thankful for the horrible experiences because I feel like I had cleansed toxic people from my life. I'm on my own now but it's fine, I'm all good.


I'm not sure the right words to describe how devastated and heartbroken and sad and unhappy I was. Like my heart was so broken and I felt like I can never trust people anymore. Even felt like everyone who's trying to know me has an ulterior motives. It took me quite some time to get over it and have faith in myself again. If you're going through the same situation as I did, let me tell you one thing; you'll get over it. There's no single person on this planet that is worth you laying awake at night feeling like you're not good enough. Not a single person. Love should be something beautiful, and if you're suffering then it's not love. Do not be mistaken.

Hahahahahaha feel like I'm getting emotional. Better stop now.

So in short, 2017 hmm isn't that bad, right?

For 2018, I want to be happy if possible in everything.  I told my friends that I only have two main goals for 2018; one is to finish my chambering and be a lawyer. Another one is to find a boyfriend hahaha. I know that this might sounds like a joke but I am serious okay. I think maybe its time to be serious and start looking for a partner. All these while, I keep making excuses like "takpelah nak focus belajar" and various, countless excuses lagi but now I think it's time dah kot eh.


What do you guys think?