New firm - New Journey

Today is my 3rd day in my new firm. 

I started last Thursday and everything is quite new. I am still in the process of adapting myself to this new environment, new colleagues, new working schedule and new area of law. So far so good. My colleagues are pretty nice and helpful. It's quite a challenge for me to be honest because I never did banking litigation before so I had no idea how things work but the people here are so far quite helpful and they kind of guide me how to do things accordingly.

At the same time, I'm changing my lifestyle 360. Okay maybe I'm over la to say this but I'm currently living a different lifestyle. When I was at my previous firm, the workings hours started at 930 am (10am for main office) and the office was only 15 mins away from home. So I usually wake up around 8 am or 830 am and can still make it on time. On the other hand, my new firm starts at 9 am which is not much of a difference to be honest. But then the location is quite far from my home actually not that far but then the traffic will be so bad  and congested in the morning so it takes me roughly 50 mins to 1 hour every morning. As a result, I have to wake up around 630 am and leave the house by 730 am like that. Mornings are quite fine to be honest, maybe because you know you just wake up and still fresh. My real struggle is coming back time. OMG. I don't know how to express my annoyance when I have to deal with 6pm traffic. The traffic will be so bad and maybe because I'm still new, I get sooo tired to deal with traffic everyday. But I have to accept, this is my new life embrace it girl hahahahaha.

Today I woke up quite late. Tomorrow is public holiday since its Depavali. My achik and my sister were all sleeping and I thought that today is also public holiday. Well actually I know that it's not but my eyes wanted to keep sleeping wth. So I woke up a bit late than usual. Thank god the traffic was so smooth (I wish everyday is like this) because some people already took extra leave for today I think. So yeah since I arrived like 30 minutes early, I decided to update this blog to show the progress of mine.

I think that's all for today. Time to work!

 Taken on my first day of working

 My room.

Taken today, this morning.

My Long Call

Leaving the firm...

Finally, finally and finally I get another offer!

If people ask me what is the hardest thing or the greatest challenge I have to endure these past few months, it would be to find a job. A better job. 

As you all know, I was called to the bar on the last 17th August 2018 (a date I'm going to remember for the rest of my life) and since then, I've been working at the firm where I did my pupillage as I am being retained here as a Legal Assistant. Well for a lot of reasons I would reserve myself from in-depth explanations on why I want to leave the firm. Overall, the firm is pretty okay. I learned a lot of things here, I met a lot of new people and the seniors are super helpful. However, deep inside I know that this is not the firm for me. This is not I want to do for a long time and certainly not where I see myself to be in a long time. 

So I have always wanted to leave the firm. Even where I was still doing my pupillage, the only motivation I had was "Okay we'll leave this place once we're done with this 9 months" and I don't know what happened but I just didn't and can't do that. There's always something that hold me back; mostly the cases I handled. I feel like I have this obligation to settle them and make clients happy. In the end, I stayed. I won't say that I regret my decision to stay at a place that I don't belong but I kinda did. 

Then I started applying for jobs. Overall, I think I went to 6 or 7 interviews and I had sent almost 100 emails to firms just in case they have vacancies but didn't advertise. I also had several interviews I have to reject because I can't find time to accommodate that. I have to juggle between working and attending interviews, which is quite a hustle. I didn't get any of the interviews I went to and to be honest, I had felt like giving up countless times. Ada this one extend I get paranoid of myself and I don't feel like applying anymore because chances of me passing through is so slim. They are always looking for something, something else but me. I had listened to enough reasons "You're too young. We're looking for someone with experiences", "We're looking for someone who used to do conveyancing", "We prefer someone with experiences in construction law" and many many reasons I can't think of right now. 

After all that, I really feel like giving up and I get lazy to apply already. But I don't want to stay in my current firm. I felt really miserable and I even thought that maybe I wasn't good enough that I get rejected from all the firms I went for interviews. I also get envious because seems like all of my friends are living happy lives but here I am struggling to find a job? I even felt like maybe being a lawyer is not for me. I had all sorts of negative thoughts you can imagine.

At this point of my life, I am so so grateful to Firdaus because he's so supportive and encouraging. I know that it's a bit overrated but if not because of all his encouraging words, probably I won't be here today in KL still working. I might had packed my stuffs and went back to Kelantan and work at any firm there. Since I'm working in KL all alone now and most of my close friends went back to work at their respective places, I mostly survive things on my own. 

I would consider myself a tough cookie. I pride myself on my determination to beat life obstacles and not allow them to beat me. But sometiems I need emotional supports which I personally cannot doubt that Firdaus is the one I go to when I need that. He always talks me out of my super dark zone and encourage me to always apply for jobs and always pray to Allah. He told me that things happen at the right time, now I am just being tested and Allah wants to see how far and how I handle this ujian. "You will get a better job, better firm. Trust the process"; he said. 

Also, even though I usually share a lot of things with my mum. I don't talk much about work with her because I don't want her to worry. So I always said I'm okay when it comes to work. Its just that sometimes things get over the line, I can't help but ranting to my mum too. Its just something that I think a lot of people can relate, as a child we want to make our parents happy. In my case, my mum takes a lot of pride of me being a lawyer. So I can't go and tell her, I cannot tahan working here I would rather work as cashier or sales girl at Guardian. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking down at cashiers or sales person or any job in general it's just that I get too stressed sometimes I thought I would rather work else where even at Guardian or Watsons rather than here. But I can't do that I am the eldest child and my family's pride. I have to survive.

Two weeks ago I went to two interviews. At that time I told myself "Okay Liyana, these are your last shots. If you didn't get any of these two just stop for a while and just apply practising certificate (like a license for a lawyer) at current firm". So those are my last shots. I thought okay la if tak dapat then I'm going to wait for few months, only then I apply balik.

I think it's true. God/Allah's plan is always beautiful. Just when I was on the verge of giving up and breaking up, last Saturday I received a call from one of the firms I went for interview. They offered me a place and I immediately said yes! I just cannot tahan working here anymore and based on my two times there (I went for first interview and short listed for second interview), it seems like an okay firm. I was so happy when I received the offer (and I still am!).

I tendered my resignation letter yesterday and probably will start at the new firm next month. Wish me luck guys!

Taken on 9.10.2018 - our first picture together.

We've been in a relationship for more than a year now and baru ada our first picture together hahahaha.

(And that's the best I can get from him. He just refuse to cooperate, so annoying huhmmm)

"You're not pretty enough"

A friend of mine came to me and share her stories about how the world makes her feel like she's not enough like you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough and that makes you don't deserve certain things in life. It was sad and to be honest, I find that really relatable. I used to had exactly the same thoughts about myself. Of course I am in a better state and a lot happier now, but there used to be time or moments in my life where I felt really useless and my self esteem was at rock bottom.

Even though I love to wear pretty make up and nice clothes just to look presentable and professional. I discover that for many reasons, looks are not everything for me. I did my very best to never put physical appearance as the most important factor in most of my decision making. When it comes to friends or people I want to keep in my life, I always minus away their look and look beyond that, their personalities and attitudes matter most to me.

However, as much as I keep telling myself that "beauty isn't everything, it's what on the inside that counts" mantra, there were few moments that really snapped me off. Based on my previous few posts I wrote about how I had gained so much weight and that was kind of stressful. I'm working to lose them down but that is not something I can lose overnight. While some people understand that, there are still some people who don't and use that against me. I mean don't get me wrong, I am okay with constructive advices if you're really genuine in advising, by all means I really appreciate that. But some people are hmm nasty and rude. Even though I try to maintain my composure and make jokes about their nasty and unnecessary remarks, deep inside I was still hurt by it.

To be completely honest, I have heard more than enough comments on my appearance and my weight that I if I ever pile them up, I could probably build mountains hahaha. I had people telling me straight on my face that I'm fat or I'm ugly. Some even told me that I had wasted my pretty face because of the weight gain like "kesian muka lawa tapi gemuk" or "you better lose weight because you're pretty, so sayang" kind of stuff. But for me, the saddest comment I ever get was when people look at me pitifully and told me that "wow you had really let yourself go is it?". That was really really heartbreaking. I don't know maybe to some people, gaining weight or being fat is the worst part of living.


"You had really let yourself go" is I don't know macam the saddest remark la I had ever received. How could they said that? I clearly wasn't giving up on my life and my body. It's just that I wasn't healthy I know but I wasn't giving up, at all. And then at that time, masa tu I was so low in self confidence and I didn't say anything to that person. In fact, I said nothing to all those people who comment on my appearance. Why I did that? I should have said something. I should have get mad. How can they comment on my looks like that? Do they have to be so rude? I didn't say anything about their look, but they have the heart to comment on me? Are you that perfect you can point fingers to people's flaws? Seriously, I should have scolded them, at least I won't feel bad for myself for tolerating such rudeness.

I did try to keep myself together, act like nothing hurts and I was not bothered by the comments or remarks made, but I am still a human. My self confidence and self esteem was totally ruined. I had cried countless tears over the fact that I'm too chubby, too imperfect. I’ve compared myself. I’ve clung to the words of harsh people who told me I wasn’t pretty. It was really a struggle.

Also, I had like a guy who used to dump me because of my weight, because I'm fat. One day, he act distance and when I asked him why he's acting like that, he told me because let me quote "I takut bila I tengok size you makin bertambah. I punya impian actually nak cari perempuan yang kurus". Isn't it crazy? Like I was dumped because of my weight? That is something that I can never imagine to happen, movies finally feel so real hahaha. And because at that time, I had really low self esteem, I did thought that yeah because I'm fat, I deserve such treatment. Crazy. People treat me badly and I still thought that it was okay? I remember telling few of my close friends about it, they were so mad about what the guy said but me on the other hand, me hmm I was kind of accepting it. Looking back I feel like I was really really really stupid. I didn't have any self worth is it?

I can't express how stressful life was at that time. I was struggling with work and few issues, and I had people coming to me on my weight rudely. I wasn't joking when I said that my self confidence was at rock bottom. I wasn't happy with my weight and I wasn't happy with life in general. And you know because people kept telling you that you aren't pretty, you're ugly, you're fat, gradually I started to take those as the truth. I started to think that because I didn't look physically pretty then I am not worth it, my inside is bad as well. What I did? I stopped enjoying life. Life at that time was just a passing point, I wasn't thinking about trying to improving my life because even survival was tough enough. I also stopped doing things I enjoy. I stopped taking photos of me. I stopped going out with friends because I was so ashamed of the way I look. I wasn't happy and was so harsh on myself.

Then one day ( after so long of being unhappy and stressed), I started to question myself. How long do I plan on living this unhappy life? Is this the end for me? Like I really have no future anymore? I had really and truly give up? Why am I so bothered with other people? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Is is because I don't believe in myself? Why do I allow people's comments to ruin me? Have I become that insecure of myself that I crave for people's opinions of me and believe in what they say, more than what I I think of myself? Why do I perceive myself from the perspectives of others? Why do I have so much hate for myself? Do I deserve this hate, from myself?

A lot of things happened in between, like really a lot of things. But I want to express my gratitude and just thank you to few friends who were so supportive and keep telling me to be positive. Based on those constructive and loving advices, I started to change. I started to believe and loving myself again. I started to be the positive Liyana again, and I began to reject negativity to peek in.


"You might not have a perfect body, you're not stick thin but that doesn't make you less than perfect. You are amazing Liyana, you have an amazing personality and an amazing heart. You're going to do good things, you're going to be better. All the bad things people said about you are not necessarily true. You're fine, you're beautiful in your own way".

That was an eye opener. 


Like I said earlier, I am a lot better now. Am I happy with my life? My answer is, I think for now as in today now at this moment, yes I am happy with my life.  After everything that I have been through, I can tell for sure that I am happy with where I am and the progress I did to improve my life. Even though I am nowhere near perfect but I still think that I am doing okay. I have a life long enough to fill with experiences and good moments worth living, I don't see a point in why I should let negativity seeks into it. I also would like to believe that I  am pretty, its just that I am working out and eating healthy and to lose weight to look and feel better. 

They say when people say bad things about you, chances are they are not happy with their lives. Therefore, to everyone who used to talk bad stuffs about me, I genuinely hope you're happy.

Have a good day !

One year later...

It has been a year.

When I first came across Firdaus last year, I didn't know that there's something about this guy, that one day he's going to be someone special to my heart. And through out the early days of our relationship, I still remember the feeling of uncertain about love and us in general, I wasn't expecting this relationship to work out. I mean yeah I like him but after few heartbreaks I learn that liking and loving are two different things altogether. In fact, I didn't even expect to be in a relationship with this weirdo annoying guy at the first place. But you know things happened, and now we've been some sort of together for one year. Well, actually I won't say that we've been together for one year because we actually decided to be serious about our relationship around February or March but because we first know each other around middle September last year so we tend to relate to the September one more than the actual day. 

Being with Firdaus has been hmmm..painful? Hahaha just kidding. Being with Firdaus has been very lovely and to be honest, I think I couldn't be happier than this. I wasn't in a lot of relationships before this because I've been busy with studies and other commitments but I can definitely and confidently say this for sure, he's the best guy I ever come across. Well, I could be saying this because he's my special one but to compare him with the previous guys I ever get myself involved with in terms of relationship thingy, he's definitely way better. I don't know how to describe him because he's just who he is. He's funny, a bit dorky sometimes, but very soft spoken and he's so patient. I mean if you can handle my emotional moody crazy bitch all day tantrum side then you're truly patient because even me myself hate and can't handle that side of me.

Looking back at our early days, I remember replying to his questions in english out of habit and he did reply with a lot of like grammatical errors and wrong use of words and at that point of time, that was a total no no for me. I don't know about you guys, but we all have this one thing we really seek in someone and for me, it has always been a dream of mine, to find a guy who can speak good english and who writes in you know good grammar. Not just english but also BM. I prefer someone who writes in proper sentence, no short forms and you know just normal formal way of writing. It might seems macam mehh that's easy but to be honest, its very rare to find people including guys who write in full proper words or sentences like that. I'm just skema like that and I know such a weird thing to look into for your partner. And it's such a petty thing but I remembered telling myself that I don't like this guy because he writes like that, he uses short forms and he's not good in english but you know after a while I don't know what and how it all happens, but I get pass that.

If you ask me I genuinely feel grateful that I didn't totally reject him for that because if I did, I will lose myself such a nice guy. I think gradually I pass that, I started to see him more than the way he types hahahahaha and it has open my eyes to a lot of good things about him. Okay even though he types like that which is not my liking but he's very funny, caring and he makes me happy. That's very important. Sometimes deep inside I feel like a loser because how can I be so judgemental? Just because someone doesn't speak english very well or he writes in short forms, doesn't mean that the person is not good. And well, I am not perfect too. I make a lot of grammatical errors, spelling errors, punctuation and even use short forms once in a while. Every time I did that, I justify myself by saying 'its okay we're human. We make mistakes, its part of life'. So yeah, like I can tolerate those things on me but I want my partner to be perfect? Isn't it too much?

And thing about Firdaus is that he always wants to improve himself. That is something I don't really find in a lot of people. Sometimes, we say oh its okay to a lot of things, we reject improvements because we're too comfortable. But the Firdaus I know always wants to improve himself, his knowledge, his skills and his life in general. I remember him asking me to correct his english if he ever make any mistake and how he encourage us to communicate in english because he wants to improve his language. I really like that part of him. He knows he's lacking, he's not ashamed to admit that and he wants to improve. I kind of admire that side of him because I tend to be egoistic sometimes and I don't really admit my mistakes but now since I'm with him, I'm learning and trying to break the walls and admit that I could be wrong or I could be lacking in this or that area and stuffs like that.

Relationship has never been easier. Actually, one of the reasons why I didn't get myself involved in a lot of relationships before, why I choose to be single is because I used to think that relationships are just very complicated and I don't need another drama in my life (my life is already dramatic on its own lol). But so far being with Firdaus, we always talk about it and we always say 'why la I tak jumpa you awal awal dulu?" , we wish we came across each other earlier than we did because to be honest, our relationship is so simple. I'm glad that I find someone I can actually communicate with, and if he say or do something that I don't like, I can talk to him about it. Communication is very important and that has been the key to our relationship I guess. Like I'll ask him first, when he gives his lawak answers or he's not serious, I'll tell him I'm not joking tell me why you did that, then we talk about it. For me, I always try to listen to his point of view and try to understand that before I counter with my beliefs and where I stand about one particular problem. To be honest, it used to be difficult because you know I have this competitive side where I always wants to win (that probably because I'm the eldest and I study law) so yeah it's really difficult when you listen with intention to reply or to rebut, not with the intention to understand. Once I change my mindset then things work out better.

Also, I'm very grateful because Firdaus is quite matured. I mean yes he's a bit on the funny side but he knows when he needs to be serious, when it's not proper to joke around (ps: well actually, he kinda clueless a bit la awal awal dulu, he used to joke around about everything literally everything then sis educate dia now he's better hahahaha). And maybe because of our age, we kinda passed the stage where we get like overly clingy, overly jealous with each other. We still get jealous maybe not we, I still get jealous but I think its tolerable. In the end, I always tell myself if he really love me then he's going to stay, he's not going to do things he shouldn't be doing. And if he ever do something that he should not be doing, then maybe he's just not for me. I pray for a good guy, if he did something hmm bad then maybe he's not for me.


There's so many things I can write about my little journey with Firdaus, I can talk about his obsession with his new car or my emotional staple sentence "you pergi la kawan dengan dia" and how it works but I think this post is quite long already. So I better stop myself, save some for other days. Also, let me give a disclaimer that I am not writing this to make people jealous or envy me, Firdaus or our relationship nor do I want people to admire us #relationshipgoals stuffs like that. To be honest, I just want people to wish us good stuffs only. We're not perfect and our relationship is still very young and we're still pretty much getting to know each other. I'm just merely sharing and I think I deserve to share my happiness here because I want to be as genuine as I can. I did share some sad or bad experiences I come across before, therefore allow me to enjoy this little happiness of mine with all of you guys too. And if there's any part of my post here makes you feel like hateful or uncomfortable, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean that. Maybe somewhere while I was typing this story, I got carried away then you might find it 'too much' or annoying, I'm really sorry for that. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm still new to this maybe you think writing this much about someone might be too much I don't know people have different views on it. Sorry.


Last but not least, other than all this relationship thingy, I am also very very glad that I am not who I was a year ago and that brings me so much peace. A year ago, I was struggling with so many things but I'm glad that everything is getting better now. I hope everyone reading this is having a better day, and in a better place than you used to be.

Fitness Update #1

I really feel like giving up. 

So last two months I was so into fitness, losing weight, diet and workout thingy which is kind of the very reason why I wrote my previous blog post. But to be honest, life has not been easy. I am still pretty much struggling with it, with working out and eating healthy in general.

To make things worse, two weeks ago I sprained my ankle while moving things from old house to my new house. As a result, I cannot work out and has to stop the so called progress I've been doing all these while. I can't even walk. And I was emotional because of the pain, my left leg mostly around the ankle was so swollen I have to take medical leave for that. Walking was such a pain, so to work out was a total no-no obviously. You know they say workout is just 20% and another 80% is diet, which I should have kept that in mind. However me being me, I literally eat like crazy. And because of the pain, I mostly resort to fast food because its easy I just have to drive thru and less walking means less pain. Looking back I feel so stupid now, I should just keep progressing. 

So now, its pretty much like I'm starting all over again. Just because I have no self control. To be honest Liyana, why you have no discipline girl? Two days ago, I started my normal everyday 1000 jumping ropes and to be honest it was crazy. That's like my first exercise I did after that my unfortunate leg incident and it feels like forever. I think thing about exercising is they always feel difficult at first, but if you just ignore that and do it anyway, you kinda feel that satisfaction. When I did my 1000 jumping ropes, I told myself okay Liyana lets just do this for 200, then I continue to 400 then 600, 800 and then I told myself oh come on just another 200. Then I did 1000! I actually didn't plan to do that in full 1000 jumps because I don't want to pressure my leg but oh well. 

That's pretty much what I did two days ago, but then last night I didn't work out because I was so tired. I don't know la I always say I'm tired but why am I tired at the first place again? Then I didn't work out and I eat dinner (which I told myself no dinner anymore only fruits) then I feel bad for my body. Just how I felt every time I have mcd or kfc, but urghhh I still did it. Me iz stupid. 

Today, I have to work out. My plan is to do like a 100 days challenge. 100 days of work out and eating healthy challenge. Let's see how it goes. Wish me luck !

Fitness

"I need to lose weight"

I keep telling that but I did nothing about it. I told myself "You're fat Liyana you need to lose weight" yet I did nothing.

So last weekend, I did something crazy which to be honest, I am not sure I was in my right mind when I decided to get up from my bed, put on my sport shoes and started following the workout routine from a youtube channel. I am not sure what I was thinking at that time. And to be honest, the whole process was so hard and tiring both mentally and physically. I feel like dying (or maybe I did die at that point of time) but in the end I completed it (of course it wasn't perfect, I pause here and there but I did it!). 

Through out the whole 30 minutes, I was basically swearing to myself, shouting and crying deep inside (literally), I also regretted my choice like wth Liyana you're one crazy girl! But I did it and I am kinda proud of myself for that hahahaha. Felt like I had accomplish something and I lovee that feeling. Also, it didn't take me long to realize that my fitness and stamina levels are super low. I already get tired within the first 15 minutes of the video. It took me by surprised that I was at such a bad unhealthy state. At the same time, I kinda know and relate with it because well look at your daily routine girl, you had never exercised regularly or constantly these past months since you left university. So you have no one to be blamed basically.

Okay, through out my 9/10 months pupillage, I gained almost 10kgs which is super super crazy. Looking back to it, I feel like slapping myself with a chair! How can I let that happened??!!! Back then, I didn't have a weight scale so I wasn't regularly checking my weight. So first time I weight myself after few months, I gained like 4kgs and I was in disbelief. I was thinking "Nope there must be something wrong with this thing I don't think I gained that much my trousers still fit me I feel just fine so yeah no way". I did nothing about it and keep living my unhealthy life. Then slowly and gradually I realize that I keep gaining more and more weight until to the point I can't deny it anymore. It gets to the point I become less confident with myself, I was afraid to meet people because I know they will ask me about me looking 'sihat' which I know its just another way of people saying 'you look fat'. I know some are merely asking, I have friends who joke around saying "you must be so happy that you look sihat" but you know its not something that I personally love to hear. 

The thing about me is I had always been cautious and conscious about my weight. Compared to other girls, I was never born as 'stick-thin'. You know I struggled with my weight since I was 11 years old I think. That's because I always weight more than the girls of my age. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't fat at all, and I was always on the taller side so to be honest, my weight kind of correspond with my height. But you know growing up with friends who are stick thin and those who will never get fat regardless of what they eat and those petite cute girls urgh I grew up feeling I wasn't pretty and I wasn't enough. Looking back hmm I shouldn't live like that, I should just enjoy my teenage years (well I actually did but I should not be so weight conscious). Plus, I used to do sports. I play netball, volleyball almost everyday so yeah. At that time, I thought I was fat but looking at the picture and what I actually weight back then, I was soooo thin. I was 165cm with 50-55kg but deep inside I still feel fat.

 Me back when I was in high school (2011)

Then when I started my foundation I gained like almost 10kgs because I totally stopped doing sports and my nafsu makan was so uncontrollable you know. Plus, masa tu foundation I wasn't thinking about living a healthy life at all, all I ever want to do is to study hard so that I can enter law school. So for all the late night discussions, random delivery, late night snacks all that total up to me gaining so much weight. Then I was accepted to my law school and it was an eye opener, all the girls are super pretty and thin. So throughout my 4 years of degree I was on and off from my diet, sometimes I exercise sometimes I didn't but with all the struggles I managed to keep my weight at the standard or healthy BMI. 

Me during my degree life,I gained weight but my BMI was still okay.

 Few months after I finished my law school, I just begun my pupillage. I gained few kgs but I thought still okay.

But you see, based on my story I always struggle and have issues with my weight. Its just that the difference is this time I let that continues and it ruins me, the worst part I did nothing about it. Back then whenever I know and realize that I gained weight, I'll start dieting or do something about it like hey you need to lose that fat but now? I did nothing. That's why I feel like I have no one to be blamed for this, except myself. I let this happened. But you know what, those are all in the past. I feel like it's still not too late for me to do something and I know that I really need to do something. I don't want to look back and have regrets like I did now. I can keep blaming myself like I let that happened, I should exercise more often, I should control my diet yedda yedda but I can still mend things right. So many people gained weight and with discipline and determination, they manage to get rid of the pounds. Its not impossible and I think I can do it too!

So with that resolution in mind, I dragged my lazy ass, put on my shoes and started work out. After that 30 minutes workout hmm or the right terms 'trying to basically kill myself' hahahaha, I feel happy and accomplished. So I promised myself that I will keep doing that everyday. So it has been like 4 or 5 days since the first day I took the leap of faith and challenge myself, and so far I have been regularly exercising for 30-40 minutes everyday. Except yesterday because yesterday I was so freaking tired. But I plan to exercise double today to compensate for yesterday. I really need to lose that additional unnecessary weight and fats. To be honest, it is still hard. I still struggle with it, I still need to drag myself to exercise. And I am still contemplating every time I put on my shoes like "Do I need to do this?" "I am so lazy, okay or not if I just skipped today" but someway somehow I figured out like you know what you have to. Its just that yesterday I was soooo tired because I already exercise in the morning so bila balik kerja tu I rasa macam urgh malasnya. 

My plan is to keep doing this for 30 days and my target for this 30 days is to lose 5kgs. I'm not sure whether is it achievable or not but according to my friends it is possible. And yes I am also controlling my eating and diet a bit. I started eating healthily as well. No more fast food even though gosh mcdonald's is my favourite. I thought I might have like a cheat day once every 2 weeks because gosh my craving is crazy. Also, its sooo hard to maintain 1000-1200 calories and exercise at the same time. Sometimes when I eat less than 1200 calories I feel lazy to exericise anymore. So one of my friends advise me to eat around 1500 calories and workout for 30minutes to 1 hour. 

To be honest, I am still doubting myself. I am not sure whether I can lose all the fat or not but I figure out if I control my diet, I eat healthy and clean, I also exercise regularly, there must be at least some changes at the end of the day isn't it? There must have been some changes I could feel after the 30 days if not in weight reduction, it could be in the form of inches lost I don't know but I think it is possible. So I shall see on 22nd August, what I'm going to achieve. I want to see what happens if I don't give up. Actually before this I already started like jogging around my house twice per week and as a result, I lost like 3kgs in general but I wasn't consistent so I stopped. That's because I really hate running, or jogging since I don't know as long as I can remember! Maybe because I hate the idea of running and people will see me and its something I have in mind I think people will judge. I know I should not think like that but yeah. So I didn't enjoy that so I stopped. These days, I've been doing cardio and basically simple workout, dance routine, sometimes boxing workout and I feel better.

The hardest part for me right now is my mental. Some part of me really want to do this and really want to challenge myself while the other part of me really struggle with it like really hate this idea. But the hardest part is always the beginning, these 2 weeks going to be hell and after that I'll get use to it, right? I read somewhere "Your fitness is 100 percent mental. Your body won't go where your mind doesn't push it" and I couldn't agree more. So I need to push myself, I know I can do this. I just can't be lazy as the body achieves what the mind believes. I can do this, fighting!

Wish me luck guys!

You can change the world girl!

31 Days of Self Love Challenge!

I was scrolling my Pinterest and I come across this. 

So I was thinking that hmm maybe I should do this? I mean it looks fun and I never did this kind of thing. I mean I used to come across few of my favourite bloggers did this kind of hmm some sort of a challenge back when I was new to blogging (that was probably 5 to 6 years ago). But then at that point of time, I was not interested and was like mehhh but now I feel like doing it (after so many years yeah I know I'm just random like that). Plus, you know your girl has been so harsh on herself these days for a loooottt of things/reasons hahaha. So I think that I kinda need this, I need to remind myself of who I am and what I can achieve, just basically trying to gain all my confidence and motivation back. 

I don't know whether I can do this challenge like once per day which hahaha the chance is super super low. In fact, I might stop halfway lol but I'll try okay. I'll give a fair shot. So yeah do not expect that you're going to see me updating my blog everyday because hmm I won't! But if I have time, I'll try to finish all the 31 days challenge by the end of this year. Year? Yes, year hahahahaha. Hey that actually quite an accompolishment okay considering the fact that I'm quite busy these days and update for like what? Once per month? 31 entries are quite impressive okay plus I might be updating about my everyday life as well. 

Okay lah, I think that's all. My plan was just to introduce for like 5 to 10 sentences jer. What the heck 2 paragraphs Liyana? 

All right, bye.

Have a nice day everyone !

Love is weird.

Orang selalu tanya aku apa perasaan aku dah tak single sekarang?

Jawapan aku; pelik.

Such a weird feeling. Aku ni dah lama single, dah bertahun tahun dah. Macam tak percaya kan? But to be honest, I've been single through out my degree years and then masa sekolah pun tak pernah couple gak sebab masa tu kononya nak 'focus on my studies' konon laaa. Tapi tu lah masa asasi ter-couple (is this even a word?), I was in a relationship for like less than a year la with this one guy. I don't think I love him anymore but well I used to (tak boleh nak tipu dah come on). We're still friends now and I wish him nothing but the best. Aku terfikir kalau la masa tu aku tak couple ngan sesape memang like wowww aku boleh cipta rekod la as one of the manusia yang stay single.

Jadi disebabkan aku tak pernah or the right words dah lama takde boyfriend, now I feel weird. Macam eh tetiba I have another person I care about. Eh tetiba ada sorang lagi yang I get to share my happiness (and sadness) as well. Eh another ear to listen to me ranting about my problems. I always always love my family, they can never be replaced. And now I have Firdaus, he feels like a family too. 

Aku jugak rasa yang love makes me do things I never thought of doing before. Like suddenly you get jealous, suddenly you get clingy, suddenly you feel like marah him for unnecessary stuffs, suddenly you guys fight for small stuffs. Aku mana ada perangai macam tu. If korang kenal aku, and my friends always said I lah manusia yang takde perasaan tau. I never get jealous. I am not clingy at all, I never text people first okay! I don't know about the marah part but I bukan lah seorang pemarah jugak (I think so). Now hmmm feel like I'm being the total opposite of who I am.

Macam minggu ni selang sehari aku gaduh and/or merajuk dengan Firdaus. Hari ni okay, esok tak okay, lusa okay then next day tak okay balik. Eh eh eh. Rasa macam ntah pape jer. Masalahnya kitorang kalau gaduh kejap jer like few hours. Then say sorry semua then okay balik jer sebab ntah la I think we both jenis yang matured tak suka gaduh lama lama, sebab masalah nya bukan besar pun. Bukannya kitorang ada orang ketiga ke apa (kalau bab cheating this one I memang cannot tolerate at all kbye) And I pulak jenis yang believe that everything can be discuss nicely, properly and professionally. 

Tapi tu lah walaupun kitorang this week gaduh/merajuk hari-hari, I still love him (and I know he loves me too hahahaha). Weird isn't it? 

"Kite tak nak kawan dengan awak lepas ni"
"Alaa kawan la ngan kite"
"Okay la kite kawan"
 
Nope that's not Liyana.
That's another side of me, I called her 'Loveyana'.

Ewww. What happened to you girl?

"Allah ada dalam sangkaan hambaNya"

Hari tu (hari Rabu minggu lepas to be exact), aku dah buntu sangat sangat dah. The thing about me is I don't feel like working in my current firm anymore. Since daripada habis chambering hari tu 15.09.2018 (first day of raya) until la now, I currently stay at my current firm. They offer to retain me, actually they start offering masa bulan ke 3 macam tu dah. Tapi dulu masa tu tak habis lagi chambering so boleh bagi macam macam alasan "tengok lah dulu, I haven't think about it yet" or "its a long way to go, I haven't decide what I'm going to do after this". 

And then hari tu sebab tarikh aku habis chambering tu time first day raya so aku ambik like quite some time la before I actually file all my borang 6, notis perbicaraan and other stuffs. Yelah sebab dah cuti raya pun dah seminggu pastu balik KL banyak pulak benda kena settle before I can actually file my papers. So on 02.07.2018 baru dapat file all my papers. 

Masa lepas aku balik raya, master aku tanya "Liyana are you going to stay?" Aku tak sempat jawab lagi dia dah cakap "I hope you stay and continue working here", aku pun rasa bersalah la. Tu tak masuk senior partner aku duk call aku suruh aku stay, we know your potential other firms might not know yet yedda yedda which aku rasa bersyukur they offer me to retain me. Bersyukur sangat sangat ramai kot kawan kawan aku yang firm diorang tak offer nak retain. Tapi tu lah deep inside aku ni memang tak tahan dah. Aku pun tak tau apa yang aku tak tahan, aku tak tahan dah jadi lawyer ke aku tak tahan dah ke stay kat firm ni ke apa? And then pasal nak stay ke tak tu end up someway somehow semua orang assume aku nak stay which actually at that time I don't mind staying pun sekejap. Dalam hati aku, aku fikir "takpelah kau stay je lah Liyana sekejap" sebab yelah banyak lagi tak settle masa tu.

Then in the mean time, aku ada la apply kerja sikit sikit kat firm lain. Ada satu firm aku pergi interview and dapat tapi kata hati aku kuat mengatakan yang aku tak sesuai firm tu. So aku terpaksa tolak sebab of course I don't want to masuk to a worse firm kan. And then aku ada pergi lagi satu interview, firm dia aku suka dah. Suka gila la. Interviewer aku tu pun baik tapi tu lah takde rezeki kot. Aku pun faham walaupun dia cakap dia suka aku, the fact yang I haven't called to be bar yet and I have no practising certificate make things difficult for firms to actually hire me. I can totally relate. If there's two candidates which are equally good but then candidate A got no practising license yet of course I'm going to take the other one; with a valid practising certificate. Aku pun faham the urgency of the firm to find someone yang can fill in the gap right away.

After second interview aku gi tu and tak dapat, aku dah macam tak semangat and the right word is 'lose hope' nak cari kerja. Aku sampai fikir memang dah nasib aku kot kena stay kat firm sekarang ni sampai tua. Firm sekarang ni hmm overall okay tapi ada certain things yang aku tak sesuai thats why aku nak keluar. Pastu aku macam depressed tau sebab aku apply like banyak gila firms; aku hantar resume kat banyak gila firms and then satu pun tak panggil interview. Which I know is because aku takde pc lagi and tak long call lagi. Tapi still aku macam depressed la. Moody pun ada gak. Kau imagine la dengan takde mood nak kerjanya, ya ampunn.

Then hari Rabu hari tu something jadi kat office aku macam ada issue la sikit. After what happened lagi la aku rasa aku takleh nak kerja dah kat sini. Sampai aku cerita kat Firdaus sampai nangis nangis, aku cakap aku dah tak tahan dah semua. Tapi at the same time aku macam sedih sebab aku rasa macam dah takde positivity dah dalam diri aku, aku dah macam tak percaya yang aku akan dapat kerja lain. Like everything in me is so messed up already, I see no hope for my future. Masa tu aku memang cakap kat Firdaus aku nak berhenti walaupun actually decision nak berhenti tu actually susah sangat because regardless  aku still kena pay for my rent and my bills anyway. So if tak dapat secure a place yet and berhenti jer memang risky gila. Masa tu aku macam sedih gila sebab aku rasa macam am I that desperate that I have to stay working at a place yang I seriously and honestly tak enjoy as long as I can continue to survive. Masa tu la aku faham maksud desperation and survival tu macam mana.

Masa tu memang aku macam dah tak tau nak buat apa, memang buntu gila weh. Semua orang nasihat aku pun aku still macam tak boleh nak terima because I was so negative. I was like no no I can't.  Aku honestly tak pernah negative macam tu. Most of the time, aku biasanya selalu percaya yang Allah tu ada and dia akan tolong aku kalau aku time susah. Tapi maybe la masa tu macam bodoh sangat, and dengar orang cakap "ahh la tak dapat pc susah kerja" and campur dengan masalah dekat current firm and plus with the rasa dalam hati membuak buak nak berhenti kerja, I macam jadi ntah la. Macam lupa yang Allah tu pemberi rezeki. And lama gila Firdaus advise aku dia cakap you jangan mind block diri you, you kena percaya yang Allah dah tetapkan rezeki you actually, akan ada peluang pekerjaan tu. Thats when he tell me about the above title "Allah ada dalam sangkaan hambanya" meaning if you percaya that you're going to be successful insyaAllah Allah akan support your plan. And kalau you keep rasa "aku memang fail, aku takleh buat bla bla bla" you're going to fail because Allah tu ada based on apa yang hamba dia nak and trust in. Lebih kurang gitu la. 

Tapi what he said actually panjang gila and actually motivating sangat sangat and that makes me macam istigfar la. How can I didn't trust my own God? When he's the one who creates me? And he clearly says if you want something, I should ask from Him. How can I forget that Allah is Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim? Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. He will murahkan us with rezeki if we ask and belive in Him. And if He doesn't grant what we want, doesn't mean yang Dia tak sayangkan hambaNya or Dia nak tengok kita hidup dalam kesusahan and unhappy, maybe that's the best for us tapi kita tak tahu. Sedangkan Allah tahu. He knows everything.

Malam tu aku sedih gila, aku macam mintak ampun kat Allah sebab rasa macam diri ni dah lupa kat Pencipta sendiri. Padahal kite ni takde apa apa pun kalau bukan sebab Allah yang menciptakan kita hmm.

So begitu lah cerita dia how I come across the meaningful words tu. For now, I still tak dapat secure a place in other place yet tapi I percaya rezeki Allah tu luas and dia ada tetapkan a better place for me. I just have to keep praying and trust His decisions because He's the best planner for all of us.

Anyone yang come across this post of mine, please pray for me. Please make dua that I get offer at better firm pleaseeee. Thanks :)

ps: Dah lama gila tak menulis dalam bahasa malaysia ni. Tapi okay jer kan? 

“Aku bertindak menurut sangkaan hambaKu kepadaKu. Aku bersamanya apabila dia mengingatiKu. Jika mereka mengingatiKu dalam dirinya, nescaya Aku menyebutnya dalam diriKu. Apabila mereka menyebut namaKu dalam kumpulan nescaya Aku menyebutnya dalam kumpulan yang lebih baik daripada mereka.”

(Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim)

Why him?

That is the most frequent question I get from my friends. 

Why him? Why this guy?

I wrote about Firdaus few times already in my previous posts and to be honest, I want to keep our relationship as private and confidential as I can. I don't want anyone to know about it, anyone except us. Maybe because I wasn't ready yet? I'm not really sure why. But based on my previous experiences, I always met and ended up with a lot of shitty guys,  I found myself becoming more and more careful about sharing these things. It doesn't mean that my love for him wasn't passionate enough or real enough for me to share with the whole world, it's just that I want to take time and love this guy as he is and as I am, without people's interfering the process.

However, as much as I want to keep our relationship as private as I can, I am still a human and a woman. I still share and talk about him with some of my best friends and close friends. I think it's not fair to keep it as secret from them since these people hmmm they have been supporting and loving me since I was no one (I still am though). At the same time, I find it sad not to document at least bits of everything about us, what we've been through, how I feel about him and the random and funny conversations we had. So I decided to write about him here. (that explains the previous few entries about him). I think that its normal that you know when you're with someone, there are things that you want to cherish and remember for the rest of your life. But I can promise for sure, I'll keep writing about other stuffs too :p

We've been in relationship for 4/5 months now and it has been crazy hahaha. To be honest, I never thought that I can be with the same person for 5 months straight. Its something that I can never imagine before. And if I am to consider the period where we were "friends but more than friends" or "friends but I know you like me", I've been with him for like 9 to 10 months already. Wow. I know that well it might be common to maybe half of the world out there but for me, it's an achievement. To be completely honest, we do fight here and there, but I think it's pretty normal right? Couples fight all the time. We're still in the process of getting to know each other better, so there were days where I find his jokes to be super super lame and weren't funny at all, there were days where I find him too much of an annoyance or there were days where we decided not to text each other. I think it's a common thing, as long as there is still love then it should be fine.

I am the kind of person who always seek for advices from my friends. That is because I think my friends know me better. So every time I had a fight with Firdaus or there's something that he did that I don't like, I'll ask my friends their opinions about it. As a result, he has become so famous in our groups hahahaha. We talk about him all the time; when we were playing PUBG  as a team, when we went to eat for lunch/dinner/brunch somewhere, when we were in the car, on our way to shopping basically everywhere. Pity my boyfriend becomes the talk of the town! hahahaha. As we all like to discuss about my relationship, my friends always ask me why do I choose him. Out of all guys? And I always become clueless to answer that. I know that I have the answer its just that I don't know how to explain it or to put it in words.

One time, one of my friends asked me "Why do you like him?" and after contemplating for few seconds I said "Hmm I also don't know why. Isn't it love requires no reasons nor explanations? There's no specific reasons why I love him, I just do". Looking back at the moment, I feel like oh my god, that's such an embarrassing answer. So embarrassing, cliche and ewww. That's literally not the normal Liyana. If I'm in my right mind, I won't give such answer, I think that's the crazy-in-love Liyana hahahaha.

Why I love him? Yelah Liyana why you love him? Why not the guy with the good looks and perfect smile? Why not the stable guy with a big car and a house? Why not the smart guy with the bright future?

Hmmm I always tell myself (and I told him this once as well) but I think my love for him is the most illogical thing ever. The most illogical feeling I've ever felt and experienced. He always teases me, he challenges me, sometimes he pisses me off but someway somehow I am still with him, listening to his annoying jokes and how he made fun of the fact that I'm so dramatic (even though that might be true). I can't even consider the idea of leaving him. He's like a home to me, whatever I do, or how bad the fight we both had, I always find my way back to this guy. Annoying isn't it?

At the same time, I found him to be a passionate lover. He just didn't realize that about himself. I know that it might seems like I'm the one who leads the relationship or I made 'us' but to be honest, he's just a very very nice person and a lovely boyfriend. He calls me almost every night and we talk for few hours. He always asks me how I was doing and those simple gestures of his care and love always made my day. Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to find this man and to have him by my side but because I don't know how to express myself well; instead of thanking him for his presence and love, I said mean jokes about him hahahahaha. But I hope you know that I love you and appreciate you.

Okay, dah puji boyfriend sendiri and back to being that crazy dramatic and super mean girlfriend muehehehe :)

If it's meant to be, it will be.

The Gift of Guilt

Even though I always refuse to admit this but on good days, I would say that I have maybe a handful of things I like about myself or things that I enjoy/love on daily basis. On the other hand, I also have a lot of things that I don't like about myself. And to be honest, I might not be sure about what I like but I am always clear of my dislikes. I don't know, its just how and who I am as a person I guess.

But there's one characteristic of me that I'm kind of 'on the fence' about it. I mean I'm not sure whether I should be proud and thankful about it, or I should like stop myself from behaving like that. And that is; my guilt.  If you know me, I always feel bad and guilty for almost everything. For example if someone asks me to do something, and I have so many things to settled but I feel bad for not helping so I said okay. In the end I'm burdened with loads of work and I get stressed. I think that's just who I am and I have this 'thing' going on since I was in school I guess? I think so.

Then I start doing dock brief through out my pupillage which we are required to mitigate for the OKT/offenders. Sometimes the Magistrate passed denda as sentence or sometimes the Magistrate gave like months of imprisonment depending on their offences, but me being me hmm there are days where I can't sleep at night because I keep thinking about those I represented/mitigated about. What if they don't have enough money to pay? Is it okay 4 months imprisonment for that? Does he feel happy for such punishment? I did a good job right? Things like that.

I'm a working adult now and I can't help from feeling bad for my parents and my sisters. I'm working in Kuala Lumpur which is like 400km away from home. It would take 7 hours to drive home. Plus now I'm working my time is so limited, I can't attend to them as much as I used to and as much as I want to. I know that they're always a phone call away and now we have video chats and stuffs like that but honestly nothing beats real presence. On last 12th April, my youngest sister turns 10 and I spent few hours crying because I couldn't be home and spent time with her and the rest of the family. I have always been there for her especially on her birthday, I never missed her birthdays before even when I was studying back then, I'll make time and go back home for her. But now I'm working, I'm not as flexible as I used to.

To be honest, its hard. Sometimes I wonder why do I choose this career? and why the heck I chose to do my 9 months pupillage in KL? Should just went back to Kelantan after my degree back then. I always wanted to become a lawyer, its been one of my dreams since I was a child. And to be honest, if I didn't become a lawyer I don't know what I'll be doing with my life. But now it feels like hmm I don't know I just feel bad. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm choosing to go for my dreams and disregard my family. Isn't it weird? The very first reason I want to do this is because I want to be successful and help my family. I want my parents and my sisters to be proud of me. Now it almost feels like this path has slowly taking away that very first reason.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe its just me being overthinking and all. But I'm trying to be positive, and I know that my parents and my whole family are praying for me and my journey so I don't want to complain much. I'm just blessed. I've learned so much from my experience and I've become so independent. That's an achievement.

Random

Mother,
Your daughter is struggling.
I have things inside me that I didn't bury properly

Some nights your daughter tear herself apart
Yet heals in the morning.

Tell me, which to ask forgiveness for: what I am or what I am not? what I become or what I didn't?

Insecurities

"Have you ever question about us?".

"Question about us? Maksud you?"

"Hmmm meaning hmm I don't know like you question whether you're with the right person/not or something like you think that if you're not stuck with me, you might actually get someone better?"

With a dissapointing voice, he said "Why you cakap macam ni? I tak pernah terfikir. Bagi I you dah cukup dah. Kenapa you rasa kalau tak dengan I you can actually get someone better ke?"

My conversation with Firdaus last night.

These past few days, I macam paranoid gila and I really really hate this side of me. The thing is even if I'm like super paranoid and scared, there's nothing much I can do about that. The world will keep moving around and things won't stop just because you want so. Every time I feel like I'm being paranoid, I'll try to talk myself out of it like hey girl stop being so insecure you're just fine, stop overthinking and all bla bla bla, but knowing myself such thing is not easy. If you're like me you can probably relate. I macam hmm I can be a good advisor for other people's problems, but when it comes to myself I can be very much clueless. I forgive people easily for all their mistakes but I'm hard af on myself and the mistakes I did. When it comes to myself, I'll hold grudges against myself forever.

Maybe this is normal, maybe every girl feels the same way I do. I believe everyone at some point in their lives would wakes up in the middle of the night feeling that they are all alone, they have no one else to rely on, they will question everything that ever happens to them, they feel like nobody loves them and nobody will ever love them. I mean these thoughts didn't come across often, but sometimes they did. 

So yeah basically when I'm insecure I overthink about everything including my relationship with Firdaus. And its so easy to be paranoid especially because we're still new to this. Sometimes I wonder whether I have trust issues which I think I do. I mean thanks to all the shitty guys and heartbreaks I went through, I discovered that I need assertions (and consistency), like a lot. So kadang kadang macam me and Firdaus, we were talking about something else and then tiba-tiba I'll ask him "you sayang I kan?" and he will laugh at how random I can be. I don't know I'm just worried that he might leave, just like other guys. 

But don't get me wrong, most of the time I trust Firdaus hahahah I trust him so much that I get worried in case he change.  He's such a nice guy and he always make me feel happy and secure about a lot of things, especially about us. Sometimes I wonder whether I deserve such a lovely and kind guy? I mean I don't know; do I deserve him? Maybe.

But then looking back, I realize that there were few moments in my life yang macam I kenal people and then suddenly they said "I don't think we can be together, you're too good for me". The heck? You don't want someone nice/good, so you want someone bad is it? Is it wrong to be nice, I don't think so. And honestly, why do we treat nice/good people like they're parasite? Like it's wrong to be the nice one, you have to be the bad ones. Sama lah kadang-kadang, I saw my friends yang sooo nice and all, tapi selalu kena left with their partners or being mistreated. Tapi those yang macam tak berapa baik, amboii disayangi pulak. The world is weird, sometimes.

So do I deserve him? I think so. I mean I won't say I am the nicest person on the planet but I think I do have some nice traits (and some evil) in me. Firdaus well he's not perfect as well but I think so far, he's good. And while I'm writing this, I realize that actually the question is not whether I deserve him? I think the question I have in my mind is; whether I deserve to be this happy? These past few months with him really makes me happy. I enjoy his company, and his jokes and his laugh and our endless conversations. Maybe I rasa is it okay to be this happy? Because I don't think I ever be this happy before.

Okay, back to our conversation last night. When I asked him such questions, he was a bit macam shocked and disappointed kot. His voice changed. Honestly I felt so bad for asking such question but I don't know I thought I just wants him to know that I'm still adapting myself to us and there are still days yang I get insecure about us. But Fidaus, he's so calm and advise me not to be so negative. Panjang lebar he explains everything, and I don't know why but I feel so secure la with him. Macam he put all my insecurities away. And I'm so thankful for that.
 

" If you feel happy please don't push it away. You deserve to be happy, even if you're not used to it".

Graduation

Okay, where do I begin?

So as you guys know, I had ended my law school journey somewhere in June/August last year. However, the convocation was  only held recently which was on last Wednesday 11.04.2018 (going to remember this for the rest of my life hahahaha). Well actually I don't know why but it's almost like a culture that UiTM convocation will take place like months after you finish your degree. I mean well I'm not really complaining and to be honest, I'm not in the position to complain after all (even though I wait 8 months for my convocation) because I understand that such huge event would require a lot of hard work and planning beforehand. So yeah, I'm not bitter about it. In fact, I'm so thankful that at least we have the convocation going on because I get to meet all of my lovely friends, those I haven't see since the last 8 or 9 months? Plus, going back to Shah Alam and UiTM to be specific really makes me feel nostalgic. I mean I spent 4 years studying in Shah Alam of course I miss the place. Feel like I have memories at every corner, every restaurants, every mamak and every streets there. Good old days.

The convocation was fun and enjoyable. Everyone was so happy and smiling throughout the event. It was joyful and meaningful. It's the one day to celebrate the graduates who'd been through a lot of hardships and struggles for that one piece of certificate. When I was a student, I used to question myself a lot like 'is this really worth it?". I mean it's easy to doubt things including yourself when you're young, vulnerable and tired. I used to question what I did, I mean I was not sure whether these are going to work or is it really worth it. Worth what? Worth all the sleepless nights studying for exams, worth all the time I'd spent studying, reading and hafal all the cases, worth all the tears I had every time I failed any test or scored pretty badly in the exams, worth all the steps, efforts and sw I had to make every morning panjat bukit to bangunan AL? Is it worth all the efforts to keep myself awake in the 2-3 hours lecture, is it worth all the money that my parents had invested on me? Will it be okay? 

When I was studying, I question these a lot. After so many years, I finally had my answer. Yes, it is worth it. It is going to be worth it. That one piece of paper worth everything you can ever imagine. So I don't know how to explain it but if I can revert back time I won't tell my old self to quit because "its just a certificate anyway" instead I would tell my old self to hang it there, you're doing just fine and you'll be fine. I'm not saying that if you have your degree, you can do everything, the world is at your palm, you can move mountains bla bla bla those are to be honest not true at all! Then why is it worth it? Because for me that certificate is not about you know oh I finally graduated, I'm a lawyer now instead its a symbol of perseverance and hard work. It doesn't make me proud with the fact that I'm a law graduate but it makes me proud that I managed to win over everything and finally graduated. It's no secret that I've been through a lot of shit in my life and I'm so proud that regardless of the shitty things that I've been through, I still manage to graduate on time and with an okay result. I have my moments of weakness just like anyone else but overall I'm a pretty tough cookie. I pride myself on my determination and effort to beat my life obstacles, and not allow them to beat me. So yeah your girl is happy and proud :) 

I am also blessed with amazing support system; my family and friends. I won't consider my journey as a one man show instead my family and some amazing lovely friends have been the backbone of everything. They're the ones who keep pushing me to my fullest, who encourage me to do my very best and to always shower me with their endless love and support. To my family specifically my mum, thank you for being so supportive of my dreams. I'm super super thankful for that. To all my younger sisters helloooo your Kak Long finally made it guys! Hahahahaha. I say this all the time but those friends I met throughout my high school and law school journey gosh how should I describe them? They're probably the loveliest and kindest people I've ever meet. I can be stupid at times, but I'm so thankful that despite all my perangai and stupidity, they're so patient and kind to help. There were days where I were literally lacking emotionally, I was so tired, I had a lot of work to finish and assignments to be submitted and I had no money to survive but thank god they always offer me their hands. In fact I have friends who actually scold me for not leaning on them more often and I have friends who drop everything for me in times when I do reach for them. I always and forever will thank god for these blessings.

I want to write more but I think hmmm this is pretty long already. So I have to end this here. If your name is not mentioned here but you know that you've been supporting me and helping me at times when I was in need, please don't feel bad about yourself. I'm really really sorry for that.My bad. Unfortunately, I'm also a human and I tend to forget sometimes. I mean I try to make this as general as I can because if I have to list everyone and everything, this post is going to be super long. Whoever you are out there who'd been rooting for me, supporting, praying and loving me for the last 24 years, thank you so much. I won't be here without all of you. Thank you. Really, thank you so so much.

And here are the pictures I had taken with my family and friends before, during and after my graduation:

 

 

  

Hopefully, this is the beginning of higher and greater achievements. Aminn.

Thanks:)